Bittersweet

• Catarina

Catarina was a girl that used to sit in the middle row of my class,
with braids in her hair and messy thoughts in her head.
One day someone made fun of her for her terrible grade in some stupid math test
so she,
and her braids,
ran out of the classroom without saying a word.
She held her backpack like it was the last bit of oxygen in this world and left.
I later heard she broke a chair and punched walls and locked herself in the man's bathroom because "madness does not choose sex", she said.
And at that  moment, as the stories crawled inside my ears I got jealous
of her and her braids.
She was storm and screams and pouring rain
and I was
bite my nails kind of girl
swallow everything kind of girl
if they call your name don't move kind of girl.
She once told me she poured toilet's water inside a water bottle and handed it to the meanest girl of our class
and

she drank it.

Catarina went to parties and never cared about the way her hands looked after playing quarters.
She would undo her braids after p.e. and her hair would fill the room like a hungry lion and I could only wish
I was less quiet and more Catarina
I was less long sleeves and more Catarina
I was less wind and more Catarina,
who was the full hurricane.
Catarina, the girl that would raise her hand with her palm facing the back of the class
because she wrote "fuck you" in it and she wanted to tell you that while finally getting the answers to a math problem right.
Catarina, the girl who wore Baseball caps from her father even though they were too big for her head,
Catarina, the girl who bleed in the bathroom sink but wouldn't cover it up because she thought there was no shame in being human,
and have feelings,
even if they have sharp edges.