Inevitable Endings

1

About a month or two, things drastically changed for me.
I'm a 17 year old kid who lived life normally, wake up, go to school, come home, play games, sleep.
Normal right?
I had a toxic relationship with a girl, let's call her Sophia for obvious reasons
I loved her so much, too much, to the point where it was affecting my mental health
She'd so dirty things, suck my best friends dick, leave me to come back, talk shit about me to her friends.
Now I'm not saying I didn't to fucked things too, I was really controlling, I was scared of her cheating and all that so I limited the amout of guys she would talk to.
Now this got worse and worse to the point where I would have nonstop panic attacks and thoughts of suicide.
We would constantly break up, go back out, break up, go back out. It was a never ending cycle, that is up until the week before Valentines day of 2018. We broke up for good, I did give her the chocolate and the stuff I bought her.
I wasn't the same after that, I was so attached to her, in all honesty I thought what we had was love, I never really did what I did with her, so I wanted her, I would always get jealous over any guy she was "talking" to, she made it out like they were talking to make me jealous, which she got a kick out of.

Flash forward to march 5th, I return to school after 2 months of missing out on it. I had a spinal fusion surgery done on me to correct my scoliosis.
So I was out for a bit, but I returned and it was hell, I had so much to learn and catch up to in so little time, I honestly lost hope, I turned to drugs and skipping school. This is when i hit rock bottom...my parents (who are divorced) were disappointed in me, I was disappointed in myself. My friends were motivating me, which helped a little, but I didn't help myself which made things worse.
I failed the grade I'm in, for obvious reasons, I kinda knew it was gonna happen. I become even more depressed, I stayed inside all day, played video games, listen to my favorite artists like the late XxxTentacion, Frander, and many others, now X died in late June early July, which had a huge impact on me, I was devastated because his music related to my situations so much. 4 weeks later I start thinking about death, I have a huge panic attack as my brain tries to process the unprocessable. I try to vision what death is like, is there such thing as God? Why are we forced to go through such things on a day to day basis, we grind our entire lives to die and be forgotten. Why?