Hard Candy [Carl Grimes/The Walking Dead]

One By One

Maybe this is a bad idea, I remind myself for the billionth time as I stand outside this door. I'm not usually this impulsive. Maybe it was after my confrontation with Melly that I gathered some real courage, or maybe it was three sleepless nights of spinning thoughts and decisions, or maybe for the first time in my pathetic life I've realized what the saying, "You only live once" really means. I never liked holding grudges. Who does? We all make mistakes. We're human, after all. (Well, for now at least.) And, being the small group of humans we are, sometimes you've just got to forgive and forget. Or at least forgive.

***

I rap my knuckles on Carl's door. "Can we talk?" I twiddle my thumbs nervously as I wait for a reply.

It's been thee days since the whole diner table fiasco. My sorrow-turned-fury-turned-disgust is wearing off. I guess after one episode of grief, my mind couldn't bear to hold on to another so soon. It's times like these I really like my mind. That is, until it talks me into going back to Carl.

Big picture, Yara. Life is short.

The handle clicks, and I step back before it can hit my I'm the face, and there's Carl. His eyes survey mine suspiciously. "About what?"

"You know... Stuff. Things." Twiddling intensifies. "You. Me. Her." My thumbs are getting sore now. How am I still nervous around him?

He sighs impatiently. "What's there to talk about?" He starts to close the door. I jam my foot in it. He grudgingly opens it up again. "Alright. Let's hear it."

"Can we go somewhere else?"

***

"Start from the beginning," I instruct. "Everything."

"What do you want to know?"

"Whatever you have to say."

We're lying in the back of the flatbed, staring at the stars. I can see the Big Dipper from here.

"Like what? Why I broke up with you?"

My stomach jumps, and I'm not sure I really want to know. But we have to start somewhere.

I nod hesitantly. "Sure. Let's start there."

"Well..." He pauses. "I guess I was just mad. About, you know, the whole thing about us not... you know."

"Expand." I shake my head. "What's on your mind? I'm here to listen."

"I never wanted to hurt you," He bursts out. "I know it seems like that but I didn't want to hurt you." He stops to clear his throat. "It was never my initial intention, honest."

I believe him. I don't know if I want to, but I do.

I pick up where he trailed off. "You were upset because I I wouldn't have sex with you. Let me guess, you thought I was pulling away."

"Yes and no," He admits. "I was using sex as an excuse. And that was a really shitty thing to do." I snort. "No shit." He blinks. "I know. And I'm sorry. But I guess it was sort of that. Not really though, now that I think about it." His eyes reflect the stars. "But you're right about one thing. I saw it that you were pulling away because you thought I was. Over Melly, I guess."

I nod. "Good guess. Okay, my turn. You're right, I'll admit it. I've gotten hurt a lot in the past, to say the least. Maybe not like you," I laugh. He laughs too. "But still a lot," I continue. "Okay. I was getting a little crazy. I saw you and Melly getting closer in my mind. I..." I can't go on. As much as I'm hurting, I don't want to risk hurting him. Even more.