wilderness | paul lahote

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The skies were gray. And with an empty heart I walked this path. My tears met the rain, forming into one. It was cold. And I hated being here more than anything. This lonely forest road was my only companion at this very moment. Even the trees stood still, the birds were as silent as they could've been dead. There was nothing.

I didn't remember how I got here. All I had for a reminder were my clothes soaked of blood. Torn apart to shreds. And this pounding headache. My limbs felt as if they were on fire. Millions of scratches and bruises covered my skin as if it was art work by now.

I didn't know where I was going. But one thing I knew. I couldn't stay here. My strength was giving out, and my legs felt heavy. Soon enough I ended up on the ground. I couldn't do it anymore.

Everything felt numb. Everything was as if it never were. But in the incredible numbness it still ached. It was still cold. Wet. Dark. Yet most of all - it was lonely. The loneliest I'd ever felt. It tore a hole into my chest. It felt as if my heart wanted to escape from the aching gap while my lungs were on the verge of giving up.

I was losing everything. I was letting go. It was a bittersweet feeling I felt on the cold forest ground, with the rain pouring down, burning the bruises on my bleeding skin. A part of me was wishing I could let go sooner. A part of me wished this all would end. Yet something in me wanted to keep fighting. It pushed me to keep my heavy, tear soaked eyes open. Even though I could see nothing. Something urged me to stay breathing through my collapsing lungs.

Breathing was hard. It felt like I was under water and something was heavily pushing against my chest. The pushing had a pattern of a sort. Put it was heavy and it certainly did not do any good for the gaping hole that was ripping its way through my torso. I wanted to scream. But my mouth would not open and the voice I once had was nowhere to be found.

It felt like an eternity had passed. But yet the ending was nowhere near. I'd wondered if this was what it would be like in hell. That the scorching flames were just a myth. Or that each and every one of us will feel a different type of hell when we go.

Death was never something I'd feared. And before the eyes of it, I felt a weird sensation of relief. It's like meeting an old friend. Only meeting an old friend would've been much less painful.

Tired of fighting I let the odd combination of numbness and pain take over me. My mind kept screaming at me. "Don't do this," it growled, "Stay here." Even the voice in my head sounded like a stranger to me. As if nothing was one with me anymore. Taking one last struggling breath I let my already blinded eyes close. And with that I let myself sink into the darkness.