wilderness | paul lahote

{20}

Days had passed with no sign of Paul once again. He had pulled his disappearance trick again, so it had seemed. I had mostly been locked away in my room. Emily and Sam had come in to check on me every day.

They had been waiting for the shock of everything to settle in. And so was I. Yet it seemed to never come. After five days had passed, Emily and Sam were sure that I was okay. Yet Sam had still been concerned, even if I had assured him I was fine.

And I wasn't lying. I was fine. I was okay. For the most part I truly was. But there was a huge part of me as well, that sunk more and more into the confusion of everything. I hadn't asked anyone about any of what had happened, simply because it felt as though none of this was made for me to know.

But at the same time, the confusion and the feeling of being in the unknown ate me alive. Night after night. Most of them I spent sleepless, tossing and turning in my bed. And the little sleep I could get, I had dreams and nightmares. The same things over and over again. The lady of red, Paul shifting into the animal, growling, warnings. And every night that I woke up, covered in cold sweat, it almost felt as if Paul was there. But I knew he wasn't and I deemed it as being my own imagination through the sleepy haze.

With each dream I had, each night, the more I felt like running. Leaving everything and everyone behind and just running away. Hitching a ride to Port Angeles. Finding my mother and just trying to make it work somehow. I knew how crazy it all sounded in my head. Yet I grew more and more impatient. It was like a force pushing me away. Maybe that way, the people here would have it easier.

Paul wouldn't have to pull his disappearances, leaving Sam concerned for him. Sam and Emily wouldn't have the burden of concern for my well being. Jacob wouldn't get yelled at by Paul for just simply being in love with the Bella girl. He seemed to have problems already anyway, Paul was just making it worse for him.

Jacob had come to check up on me some days as well, whenever he had time. He didn't speak much, yet he tried to be happy in front of me. I had told him not to fake it for me. And that I understood everything he was going through. Most of the time we sat in silence. It had been weirdly comfortable. Silence was always comfortable with Jake. I looked at them all as if they had been brothers of mine. But not Paul.

My stupid heart was falling for him as if it was falling from a cliff, plummeting to its demise. And it hurt. Every day I didn't see his face after what had happened, every day a new shatter grew into my heart. The anger towards him had mostly subsided. I had now been just worried. I missed him. I hated it but I missed him.

As I was laying there on my bed, fiddling with my fingers and thinking. A soft knock tore me from my own mind. Emily peeked from behind the old wooden door, smiling slightly.

"Dinner's ready."

I nodded and sat up. "I'll be down in a minute." I smiled as she closed the door and I heard her footsteps walking down the stairs.

I rubbed my eyes, trying hard to be more alive. More out of my head and actually present, before walking down into the kitchen for our typical dinner gathering with everyone.

I rounded the corner from the stairs to the kitchen and stopped dead in my tracks as I looked over to the table. Instead of the lately usual five bodies sitting behind the table, there was six. My breath hitched as I looked over all of them, to see if I was correct.

The boy looked up, and a state of misery took over me, my expression dropping in an instant. He looked to be around the same age as Jake and Embry as he sat next to the latter boy. Same skin, similar eyes and the same tribal tattoo on his shoulder. He flashed me a friendly smile, which quickly faded. I realised what my face must've looked like. Disappointed. I hoped I hadn't offended him, but I had hoped deep in the pits of my stomach that it was Paul.

I moved over to the table and sat down between Jared and Jake. Jared gently elbowed my arm, I shot him a weak smile, before looking at my plate. I felt so stupid for believing even for a second he'd be here. For all I knew, even if he'd come back, he'd probably lash out again anyway. I sighed.

"You okay?" Jared whispered from beside me. From the corner of my eye I saw Sam looking up at us. I tried to ignore his concern. I nodded at Jared. "Yeah, I'm okay." I smiled.

I looked over at the new boy now, smiling shily, he looked back at me. "I'm sorry. I must've looked so rude. I'm Ariah."

He flashed me a big grin again. "I know who you are. Pau-," he stopped as Jared elbowed him in the ribs, making the new boy flinch and scowl at Jared. He cleared his throat, before speaking again. "I've heard lots about you. I'm Quil." I nodded at him. His positivity was weirdly contagious.

"Dig in now guys, before the food gets cold." Emily said, as arms around the table started rapidly grabbing all the food laid out before us. In these moments you had to be quick.

..

After dinner everyone gathered in the living room, but just like a routine, I went off upstairs, as I did every evening. I sat down onto my bed, looking out of the opened window. The full moon softly lighting up my room as the rain pattered down on my windowsill.

I sighed. As much as I loved being on my own, I hated being alone. I hated the feeling of loneliness. The longing for someone. For a certain someone. And I hated that that someone for me was him.

I wish I understood why I'd been so drawn to Paul. Why him out of all the people? The boy who acts so cold one minute, but then seems to care the next. The boy who finds it hard to express his emotion, yet is seemingly so full of it. In a way we were similar. Both tough. Both gone through pain. We both had issues, some more similar than others. We were perfectly imperfect. It made me sick.

I lay down on my back, kicking off my shoes and pulling off the leggings I'd been wearing before snuggling up under the covers. My eyes were still fixed on the window, watching the raindrops slowly trickle down the glass.

My mother walked before me on the beach, wearing a white lacy dress. I followed her as she stopped just where the ocean met the land. As she looked at me, her eyes were tired, her face more worn out than ever. Yet a small smile lingered on her lips. I watched as she looked over to the ocean. "Mum," I had whispered. I wanted to reach over. To hug her. But I couldn't.

Her expression turned sad as she still gazed over the stormy waters. "It's my time, darlin'." She sang. Slowly, she stepped in the ocean. She walked and walked until she disappeared into the mist.

I woke up sobbing. I didn't know why I was crying. Or when I had started crying. But the tears were streaming and I could feel my eyes being puffy. Small whimpers left my lips.

A figure stood next to my bed. Shocking me to my core. It walked over and sat down next to me, before pulling me in an embrace. It was warm. So very warm. A sudden feeling of comfort washed over me. It felt like home. The whimpers escaped my lips again. I didn't know the reason for my crying. I was still so tired, I was sure I was still dreaming.

"Shhh. It's okay."

I recognised the voice. I would recognise that voice anywhere. I pushed myself further away from the embrace. In the moonlight and through my foggy eyes I could see him clearly.

Paul was sitting there, next to me on my bed. He was tired, I could tell. The same expression he had when I had woken in the Cullen house. Only worse. His hair had grown longer, sitting messily on his head, spiking to every direction.

I don't know what came over me in that moment. Was it the sleepiness? Was it the weird sadness I had felt in my dreams? Was it the homesickness? Or was it just him?

I lunged myself back over to him, throwing my hands around him as I nuzzled my face into the crook of his neck, taking in his scent. He seemed startled at first. His body tensed up, solid as a rock. His breathing stopped. After a minute of hesitation I felt his arms snake around my waist.

And the faucet of tears was opened again as I sat there, in the middle of the night, in the arms of Paul as he rubbed soft circles on my back and told me it's all okay.

k I'm sick and have been for the past few days so I'm sorry if there's any mistakes i didn't check over it :(((