wilderness | paul lahote

{21}

Some time had passed as we were laying on my bed in silence. My head had been rested up on his chest. Listening to his heart beat, feeling his chest rise and fall slowly with each breath he took.

He was still gently rubbing circles on my back. Neither of us didn't say a word, until I broke the silence.

"Where were you?" I whispered. His hand stopped briefly before he continued.

"Why aren't you sleeping?"

"I asked you a question first."

I felt him sigh. "I took some time."

"Over a week is not some time."

He had stopped now, just lazily resting his hand on my shoulders. "Did you miss me?" I could hear the smirk in his voice. I simply nodded.

"I missed you too." His voice was sad.

I was the one who sighed now. I lifted my head and lay on my side as I looked over at him, his tired eyes met mine. "How did you get here anyway?"

He softly smiled as his head nodded over towards my opened window. My brows furrowed before realisation kicked in and I gasped.

"Through the window?" I was bewildered. My room was situated on the second floor. Unless this boy had carried a ladder with him anywhere he went, there was no way in hell he could've possibly come and go through my window.

He nodded, that stupid smile still on his face.

I thought about how I had felt his presence every night I had woken up from a nightmare. How I always thought he was sat in the chair in the corner of my room that was nearest to the window.

"What are you thinking about?" He asked, his eyes still on me. He pushed a stray piece of hair behind my ear so casually.

"How often do you come into my room?"

His expression changed as he thought about something. "Almost every night," he seemed embarrassed to admit it. "It's good that you've left your window unlocked most nights."

"You know you can use the door like a normal person right?"

He chuckled, yet his eyes stayed serious. "I'm not exactly a normal person, A."

I put my head back down on his chest again, his hand moved to my hair, caressing my head softly. "That's why you're so tired." I whispered.

I felt his head nod. "So are you." He whispered. "You keep talking in your sleep and waking up every night. I don't know how you haven't noticed me before."

"I've felt you here. I just always thought I was dreaming."

"What did you dream about tonight? You were crying pretty bad."

I closed my eyes as I thought back to my dream and my mother. "I saw my mum." I simply said. 

"You miss her." The statement was more of a fact than a question. 

I nodded.

"Does Sam know you're here?" I asked.

"No. We're not exactly on the greatest terms right now."

I slowly sat up, crossing my legs, I looked at him as he watched me. "Because of you disappearing again?"

"And the incident that happened." Flashbacks of that came across my mind. I looked over at the window now, fiddling my fingers. I had pushed it all into the back of my mind. I had thought about it too much and at one point I told myself I've had enough. I bottled the thoughts up inside me, and even though they ate me alive, I tried my best not to let them consume me. 

"Are you okay?" He asked, still watching me.

I nodded.

"Be honest with me, please."

I sighed and looked down at my hands. "I'm just confused, Paul. About everything."

"That's understandable."

I looked over at him before a yawn took over me. I had no ways of stopping it.

"You're tired." He simply said as he took my hand in his. "Lay down and sleep, okay. We can talk about everything some other time. It's late." He gently pulled my hand and I fell down onto my pillow. I didn't want to go to sleep. I didn't want to feel tired. I was too afraid of him leaving again as soon as I closed my eyes. But my eyes were heavy and closing on their own.

"Are you staying?" I asked as he let go of my hand and started to get up from where he had sat for what had felt like hours.

His brow furrowed. "I'm not sure."

"Please." I mumbled, my hands grabbing his. Desperate for him to be close. 

I felt him sit back down as the bed tipped slightly. He shuffled around before he crawled next to me under the duvet, the same homely warmth radiating from him, as if he was the sun.

"How are you always so warm?" I muttered as I snuggled closer to him. He placed his hand around my waist, pulling me into him. I felt his chest vibrate as he chuckled.

"One of the many perks of being the way I am."

I hummed at his response, already half way sleeping. A part of me was terrified of him not being here in the morning. A part of me had even thought about if this all was another dream and I'd be soon woken up without him. But the other part of me, the one in the arms of Paul, was content. Once again, everything felt safe and as it should be, even through the endless confusion and the millions of thoughts. Somehow this felt right.