After All

Chapter Fifteen

Being home was even harder than I thought it would be. I missed Ryan desperately, and his phone calls were the only thing that got me through the first few days. I locked myself in my room, talking to him for hours. We never even ran out of things to talk about. We made plans for all the things we wanted to do next semester, hoping sledding and all other manner of snow activities would be involved. I couldn't wait to start attending his lacrosse games, cheering for my boyfriend on the field. We talked way into the early morning, only getting off the phone when one of us fell asleep on the other line.

After a few days, my mom cornered me in the kitchen. A basket of fresh laundry sat on the table in between us. As she folded the oversized white towels in the same methodical pattern I'd seen her do for years, she said, "Okay, spill. I want all the details of you and this boy."

As close as my mom and I had always been my whole life, it was always a little strange for us to talk about boys and relationship stuff. Mainly because she was so protective of me and never wanted to see me hurt. It got worse when she eventually pulled the story of Jeff cheating out of me. Every chance after that, she encouraged me to avoid boys completely. "You're destined to do great things, Lily. Don't let a man ever drag you down from that," she'd say. She knew Ryan and I were dating, but I'd yet to go into detail about it.

"What do you want to know," I squirmed uncomfortably in my chair, burning my tongue on a sip of coffee to avoid her gaze.

"Well first off, how long have you been in love with him?" she asked bluntly.

"Who says I'm in love with him?" I hoped the indignation I feigned would deflect from the true feelings that were hiding in my heart, dying to be set free.

"Lily, I'm your mother. I know everything. Plus, I had a first love once too, so I know what it looks like. Tell me all about him."

Her words stopped me cold. Because in that moment, sitting at the same kitchen table where I'd had breakfast before my first day of kindergarten, I realized my mom was right. No matter how scared I was, or how much I tried to fight it, I did love Ryan. The thought startled me, and yet made me feel more complete than I ever had in my life.

I smiled, conjuring up his image in my mind. "His name is Ryan Parker and I met him the first day of school. We started off as friends, but now? You're right, Mom. I love him. I really do. And the best part is he loves me too." I filled in all the tiny details of our relationship to my mom, both the good and the bad, from the very beginning to the present. She smiled and nodded along, as if reliving her own past. Each story might feel unique, but falling in love is the oldest story in history, and the one everyone can relate to in some way or another.

As we talked, I realized that falling in love hadn't been like it was in the movies. It wasn't like a light switch turned on one day and I went from not loving to loving Ryan in an instant. It was moments of sparks, physical and emotional, that built up over time. Before I knew it, those sparks had grown into a fire deep inside that burned only for Ryan. Now the only thing left to do was tell him.

***

Christmas was a quiet, relaxing affair. My mom's parents stayed over Christmas Eve and spoiled all of us with an amount of gifts that would rival Santa's sleigh. We checked off each of our yearly traditions of decorating the tree on Christmas Eve while drinking hot apple cider, getting dressed up for Midnight Mass, and driving around Christmas night to look at all the lights strung up outside people's houses. Ryan couldn't wrap his head around the fact that I did all this while wearing only a long-sleeved shirt. It seemed strange to him that I wasn't having a white Christmas, but it was what I'd always known. On the flip side, I couldn't imagine being freezing cold while getting up early to open gifts.