Waiting To Be Found (Jalex)

Heavy Hearts

Chapter Four.

Title from The Party Scene by All Time Low.

I watched as the leaves fold over themselves to reveal their lighter side, turning inside out to indicate the oncoming storm.
I wanted to be there to see the first raindrop from those miserable clouds, I wanted it to touch me the way I longed to be touched by something.
The burning summer heat was dismissed by the disappearance of the sun, the clouds moving in as if it were all a planned act.

The clouds were his eyes, and the thunder was his voice. Sometimes soft and distant, sometimes loud and booming. I didn't know what the lightening was yet, was it the flash of giving in to me that I've drawn from his expression during his weakest moments with me?
Was it the warning of all of the hurt he might cause me?

For I didn't care about the warning.
I would proceed to shower, to use the telephone, to stand in a field and hold a 20 inch metal pole if it would get me closer to being touched, to being shocked, to being destroyed by the lightening I was only able to get a glimpse of moments before he spoke, before the thunder broke the sky and shook the earth around me.

I didn't care the cost that came with loving him, I just wanted to get as close as I possibly could to him.
I wanted to find him in the storm the way I long to find him in everything else. Jack was the storm that I never wanted to end.

***

"Alex, are you okay?" Lisa asked, walking into the bedroom after getting up fairly early this morning to do nothing but drink hot tea and look at magazines.

"Yes" I sighed, turning away from her in bed, pretending to still be sleeping though I was doing nothing more than staring at the roof and contemplating everything.

Lisa sighed and I could still feel her presence in the doorway. "Are you having one of your dark days?" She questioned.

I liked that she said one of my dark days.
Most times I have dark days everyday for weeks, at least she's hopeful it won't turn into that.

I didn't answer her. We both know that sometimes I just can't get out of bed, to her I'm lazy and to me, my mind is rushing through so many things it's impossible to move.
Everything hurts.
It's hardly processed that Jack is in the apartment next to me. My one great love. I'm not even sure he feels the same.

"Well.. we happen to have a double date today so.. perk up?" Lisa said, making the anxiety cells of my body kick into overdrive.

"What?" I asked, covering my face with an exasperated sigh.
No no no.
I don't want to go on a date with the girl I'm engaged to but don't want to marry, my new arrogant neighbor, and the boy I've loved for thirteen years that isn't even with me.
I can't.

"I figured we'd go out for lunch and then shopping" she said nonchalantly, walking to the closet and opening it.

I wanted to cry.

"Just because they're gay doesn't mean they want to shop" I snapped.

"And how do you know? Have you ever met a gay person?" She asked, her tone slightly witty.

If only she knew.

"No" I lied "But gay people are just like straight people besides who they love, and not everyone wants to shop. I think you're going by the whole GBF cliché" I said, listening to her scoff as she shuffled through her clothes, but had nothing more to say to me.

After ten more minutes of laying there thinking of how much I didn't want to participate in life, I got up and showered. No matter how unmotivated I am, I'm not going to look like a mess around Jack Barakat.
Lisa and I got ready and eventually met with the boys at a local restaurant we've never been to before.