Waiting To Be Found (Jalex)

Buried In My Heart

Chapter Six.

Title from Guts by All Time Low.

The first time we made love it was in my sleepy attic bedroom, The impression of that night is still there, far beyond the bed that I had spent so many sleepless nights in.
It started with a kiss that wasn't exactly meant to lead to anything, but wasn't exactly meant to lead to nothing. His lips were hungry, as were mine and I craved more of him with every second.
His tongue in my mouth, dancing around my own was enough for both of us to need each other. I wanted to know him in all the ways possible, and I knew that he returned that because he was the one that whispered the words into my lips.

He knew that I was nervous, because I showed it, and that night I would've done anything with him. I knew that he was nervous too, before he even knew it himself I think. I could see it in his eyes when he pulled away to pull our shirts off, and I could see it in the slight tremble of his hands while he undid my jeans.
He knew that I was nervous, and I'll never forget it because he knew exactly why, and his nervousness all made sense when he whispered that I could be the one inside of him instead of the other way around.
He was protecting me because he knew I was nervous about the pain. We took turns, of course, the next times. But he had been generous enough to spare me the first time.
I believe both of us expected it to be worse than it really was.

The moment it happened, I felt rather guilty. We took our time, and yet rushed due to the intense anticipation that left my gut aching for him. He winced and squirmed while making the most beautiful noises, stuttering my name.
I made sure to go very slow, almost painfully slow until he was begging me to go faster.

At one point, towards the end, we stopped caring about how loud we were. Jack turned around under me to where his face was halfway buried in the pillow as he gripped it with his free hand so hard that his knuckles turned white from the pressure.
"Alex, Alex, Alex, Alex, Alex, Alex, Alex"
He writhed under me, getting louder. I never wanted to hear anyone else say my name again, I wanted it to be his to say. I caressed his neck and the side of his face that was softly dampened with his sweat.
He pulled his hand from the pillow and wrapped it around my wrist, squeezing harder as he called out for me again and again as he climaxed moments before I did inside of him.

It was the most beautifully intimate moment of my life, including the other times with him.

When it was my turn to be in his place, I understood it all. I repeated his name like a broken record, it was the only thing that felt perfect in my mouth. I never wanted to utter another name. he kissed my neck while I climaxed with him inside of me, his lips soaking up the salty sweat that dampened me.

I wanted to repeat his name forever, and I wanted him to repeat mine. We grew to call out to each other in unison, feeling the belonging that came from the desire of all of these moments to belong to each other.

***

I couldn't sleep. Not one bit.
Everything was on my mind.
Jack specifically, as always.

I thought of him in every way possible. The memories, the images of him, the drawings and guitar lessons and when we made love, how he called for me and how I called for him and how we were perfect in unison.

It wouldn't stop.

I thought of how I missed him for thirteen years, and how he won't be with me now because I'm engaged.
I thought of how I never even really wanted to be engaged to Lisa, even before I met Jack again.
The engagement was something I did when she cheated on me, a question as to if she really loved me. It was making sure she wouldn't leave me too.

I wiped tears from my eyes as I stumbled out of bed, walking down the dark hallway and slipping on my shoes, prepared to take one of my usual night walks on nights like these where my mind is far too loud to sleep.

As soon as I shut the door as quietly as possible, my eyes landed to a figure on the steps.
Jack turned towards me, a half smoked cigarette between his fingers and a shameful look on his face.

"You smoke?" Is the first thing I asked him, he sighed and pressed it to his lips once more, inhaling the poison.

"Please don't tell Derek" he said in a whisper as he exhaled, the smoke leaving his lips. The smoke was closer to him than I'll ever be, and I was somewhat jealous of it.

"I won't" I said as if it were obvious. I sat down next to him on the step.

"Thanks" he muttered, looking at me with sore eyes. He looks about as shitty as I do. Shitty and beautiful, Jack can make swollen eyes and bad habits look stunning.
"What are you doing up and out at 3am?" Jack asked, looking into my eyes for a moment before breaking the gaze.

"Couldn't sleep" I said simply "I was going to take a walk" I said truthfully.

Jack took another drag from his cigarette. We looked out past the parking lot of the apartments, and we could see faint stars.
They are far more noticeable where I'm from, but you can see them here if you try hard enough.

"Where do you work?" Jack asked me, his voice sounding so raw. It was the closest thing to the nights we spent in each other's arms.

"I'm a graphic designer, I have a studio" I answered, watching his lips as he took another drag, smiling midway.

"You took my advice all those years ago" he said, smiling a smile so beautiful I almost stopped breathing.

I do remember.

"Thirteen years" I said gently.

"Trust me" he said lightly "I know"
With that, he looked at me, and I could see the torture that I wondered if he had gone through. I could see the sleepless nights. I could see the pain in those thirteen dammed years.

We sat in a comfortable silence as Jack finished his cigarette. He put it out once it reached the filter and sat the butt down beside him on the step.
"I want you to know that I don't blame you for leaving, Jack" I said, looking into his eyes and giving him my honest statement.
I never blamed him for that.
"You had to go home, you didn't have a choice" I added, watching him nod his head.

It took me a moment to see the glimmer in his eyes as tears formed.

"I-I should've told you" he said, his voice raspy. "But I left you there.. to-to wait on me" he cried, bringing one of his hands to his forehead as he closed his eyes. "I'm so sorry, Alex, I couldn't do it. I couldn't tell you, I just couldn't" he cried harder, his body shaking with so much more than pain.

"Jack, it's okay" I assured him, leaning closer to him.

"For-for years after that I just- I tore myself up" he cried even harder, and my eyes leaked tears as well but I made it a point to be here for him. "I didn't think I would ever see you again. I never gave you a goodbye and I never thought I would ever see you again" he looked me in the eyes with so many emotions, so much pain and loss, and everything he felt was in his voice.

"I know" I cried, my voice breaking too.
"I know" I repeated, letting him lean his head on my shoulder, his body still shaking with cries that forced their way out. "It's okay" I whispered, moving my hand to the back of his neck in a way that was meant to comfort him.

Friends or lovers, we sat there on the steps that night for another hour. Most of the time not saying anything, or talking of things unrelated to the situation, but we spent that hour together. Truly together again, and In each other's comforting company.