Luke.
I sat on the couch of my apartment, examining the lighter that October had given me last night at 3 in the morning. I remember how hot she looked in her grey sweatpants and white t-shirt. Simple, yeah, but I'm a guy. It's what guys do. And the memory of how she looked that night was clear in my mind and I couldn't stop the smile forming on my face just thinking about it.
She had told me that she smoked to 'forget problems.' I wasn't one to get attached to someone so quickly with my disorder, but something about October was so... different. I've had people come in, gave me a limited amount of pity and then left, wanting me to feel good about myself but not wanting to take care of me at the same time.
I was diagnosed with Avoidant Personality Disorder when I was 12. My parents had abandoned me when I was 2 years old, and sent me to live with my aunt Whitney in Australia. I stayed with her until I was 18, moved out, flew to New York, didn't go to college and now, I was 21, and depended on my two roommates - who weren't present at the moment - for at least a roof over my head and food on my plate. They'd reassured me that it was completely fine and they understood where I was. I've known them for 3 years and met them in a music store. I'm surprised that I got best friends like them, although I'm not so sure why I haven't gotten any better than I was when I was 14. They cared, so why wasn't I any better?
It turns out, that my parents were complete wackos, my father an alcoholic and my mother a drug addict. They ditched me to travel to wherever the fuck they chose to go, leaving me because I was some 'dead weight'. My aunt managed to choke it out after she got tired of me constantly asking where mum and dad went or whether I even had parents or not. I was ten at the time.
Avoidant Personality Disorder is where a person is persistently tense because he or she believes that he or she is socially inept, unappealing, or inferior, and as a result fears being embarrassed, criticized, or rejected. Ever since I was diagnosed, I asked - no, begged, my aunt to have me home-schooled, seeing that the classroom I was in had at least 20 kids in it, and I was always in fear that everyone would think I was just a weird kid for having a disorder like such. I never talked to them so I wouldn't know, but I guess that was just one of the other problems I had for being me. I shut everyone out, locking myself in, which made things worse. And things weren't fine back then, like how they still aren't up until now.
Until she came along. When she'd asked me to stop smoking, I could evidently see worry in her beautiful brown eyes, which confused me. I was surprised with myself when I agreed that easily, but something about her was so appealing and I don't know if she felt the same about me, but it was like some force that pulled us together. The way she wanted to get to know me that day on the bench, I knew she was different. I've only ever dated about two girls into my life (more like flings), one took my virginity and they both ended up leaving. Surprising? No. But October? There was something about her that tells me that she won't be like them. She won't do that, she's too good for that. I hope.
Maybe she could help fix me.
I wonder when I'll see her again. I thought to myself, but it was obvious that it will be often, considering she works at a Starbucks down the street. And besides, I'll make seeing her often happen if I have to. I held the light blue coloured lighter in my hand and squeezed it slightly. What time is it? I pulled out my phone. 7:13 a.m. She was probably already there, knowing how innocent she was. Was she the kind of person who liked to be early, on time, or slept in? I got up and ran up the stairs, grabbing my journal, and rushed to the front door, putting my Converse on and heading out. I wanted to see her. She made me feel better. And yeah, my disorder might kick in, and I might end up pushing her away from me when she could be my only cure, but I won't let that happen.
I won't. I promised inside my head, before grabbing my keys and heading out.
~~~
I have been sitting on this bench writing nervously for an hour and thirty minutes, and still so sign of October. I had told myself an hour and fifteen minutes ago that she had just been running late, but now I was getting a bit worried.
She's probably just staying in, I reassured myself. Or maybe she was weirded out by the outcome of yesterday and decided to avoid me. No, that's not it. I know that's not it. Was it?
I started to get anxious, my knee bouncing impatiently. I needed to see her today. So I stood up, and walked away from the bench, hoping that she'd be around here somewhere.
October.
I opened my eyes and shut them just as quick when the sun that came from my window had hit them. Odd, I thought to myself. Why would there be sunshine if it was in the middle of November? Guess it was just one of those days. Eccentric, but enjoyable.
I exhaled and turned to my side, checking the alarm clock. 8:06 a.m. Whoops, I was late. Guess I'll have to text Mike and ask him to tell Bruce that I was staying in sick for the day. I extend my arm to my nightstand, my eyes still closed and slapped the surface a few times in different areas in search for the device until I hit my phone.
'hey little shit, sick today. tell bruce im staying in.' I hit 'send', awaiting his reply - which came quick.
Michael:
"awww i wanted to hear you talk about luke and then pretend to care:("
October:
'you said you cared, though :-('
Michael:
'yeah well change my mind since you ditched me, idc anymore. and dont add noses to the smiley faces. it ruins it'
October:
'i can do whatever the hell i want. and oh well, guess you're not going to move in my apartment.'
Michael:
'what no'
October:
'too late'
Michael:
'nO TOBE I WANT TO ok i'll tell mr. asshole'
I was about to reply when he texted back once more. 'got in trouble with bruce, stop texting me k ill tell him luv u'
I chuckled to myself and responded with a quick 'bye' and 'I love you too' and headed for the bathroom to shower, brush my teeth, and use the toilet.
I was in the shower when Luke came into my mind. I smiled to myself, the image of his face just inches from mine when I was leaning against the car, his lips soft looking and pink, with a piercing that I've grown fond of. I wonder what he's doing now, I pondered to myself. Was he waiting for me on the bench? Was he ordering an oatmeal cookie today, or another different beverage? What was it this time, tea? Coffee? Maybe a smoothie?
I get out of the shower and dry my hair. I wonder if he's there now, I ask myself, while changing into a pair of light washed jeans and a hoodie. I wasn't going to spend the whole day here, probably walk around in this unusually sunny-ish November weather, go to a park or something, I don't know. Maybe I'll bump into him. I chuckled. He really was consuming my thoughts.
I put on a pair of boots, deciding to walk today rather than take my car. All I have to do is avoid Bruce, which meant avoiding Starbucks. Easy.
I make my way down the sidewalk of the busy streets of Manhattan, and chuckle to myself.
Maybe I'll bump into him again, who knows?
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^^^ that was me in July and now this is me in December I was such a thirsty hoe yo
