Dancing Through The Night

Chapter 20 - Alannah

Five hours of sleep since Izzy left. That is little sleep for one night, but torture for two. And I feel the part. I miss my sister. I miss her help and I miss her company. My cousin Nick's visit is the next scheduled one, and he's not visiting to help me. He's coming to advance his music career. I feel like I'm going insane. Sleep is all I can think of. A look at the clock on the wall shows me that I shouldn't have any expectations for at least another four hours. How do people do this parenting thing? My parents were here to help and then my sister. I had my child for forty-eight hours by myself and I'm at cracking point. I want to cry, scream and just hide under a blanket, all at once. Through the haze of my eyes I watch Josie on the play mat. Taking advantage of my free arms, hands and the calm, I slouch over to the kitchen to make myself a tea. A coffee would be more appropriate but I'm doing the right thing by my daughter. No coffee, no alcohol. Chocolate is fine though, I decided early on. The dark bar with orange zest calls me through the closed cupboard door. I shouldn't, but the sugar will give me some much needed energy and really, I deserve it. I deserve a row, maybe two. Not more. Two rows and that's it.

Guilt washes over me as I look at the last two chocolate pieces in the silver foil next to the cold cup of tea. The sweet orange taste still embraces my tongue. I'm not going to eat those last two pieces. I have control. A sip of cold tea washes away part of the chocolate taste and with it part of the temptation. Josie has been complaining for a while but she now screams. I pick her up. I should play with her, show her a book or sing to her, but I'm too tired. She isn't due for a feed for another hour but if I feed her now, she'll be content for a few minutes. Maybe she'll even fall asleep for a forty minute sleep cycle. How nice that would be.

While Josie eagerly gulps, I reach out for the second last piece of chocolate. Stuff it, I deserve the last one, too. I'm a tired, breastfeeding, single mum. I can eat a bar of chocolate in a day.
It was dark chocolate, anyway. Lots of antioxidants.

Oxygen will do me well, and hopefully the fresh air and stimulation outside will tire Josie. It's warm but I pack a light blanket anyway. Maybe I'll take her down to the beach, then it may come handy in the breeze.

The stroller feels heavier than usual, even though the big baby bag isn't hanging from the pushbar. I took it off three days ago when coming back from the beach with Izzy. The muslin wraps had been soaking wet and full of sand from when Dr Leyton used them as towels. He is one amazing human being, but I don't allow myself to go there further and push away the pictures of him helping me at the hospital, taking me home, helping those boys, drying that chest.
Why is this stroller still so heavy? After emptying out the baby bag three days ago I properly cleaned it and put it out on the line. It's still hanging there. I should get it in later. I grabbed a new blanket and some other necessities and put them in the basket below. The stroller should be easier to push. My legs feel heavy, too. It must be the tiredness. I don't think I'll make it to the beach. Josie is still cheerful, so I can't go back either. There's a little park coming up on the other side of the road. I'll sit there for a while.

Sitting on the bench, facing the neatly planted line of trees in front of me, I turn Josie's stroller around. The sun is setting behind the trees, encasing the world in an eerie light. I look at my gorgeous girl and show her the squawking flock of birds flying by. My mouth feels heavy too. I softly sing twinkle, twinkle to her. My eyes and mouth feel heavier. As the world around us turns dark, the street lamps turn on and my singing turns into humming.

I don't know how long I've been sitting on this bench. The humming sounds are voiceless now, only in my head. Twinkle, twinkle.... what happened to me? Josie's legs are still, her eyes closed and she's breathing steadily. I take out the blanket from under the stroller and tuck it around her. A glance at my phone reveals that it's just past seven. With all my strength I push myself up and slouch back home. I'm too scared to wake Josie, so I leave her in the stroller as I collapse onto my bed.