Dancing Through The Night

Alannah - 34

It took longer than expected at the dentist and I'm glad that Josie didn't have to sit in the corner of the examination room. She probably would have complained the entire time and I wouldn't have been able to attend to her. I had the appointment booked for three days from today when my parents are here, but Dr Lim called yesterday to reschedule. Rather than putting it off even longer - I had last been early in my pregnancy - I decided to take the bullet. These are the things I have to get used to doing on my own. I admit, I couldn't think of anything else than my little sweetheart with Cohen, who now was a stranger to her. He'd made it quite clear two months ago that we were a charity case and I wasn't going to go there again. I can't deny the attraction to him, and in another life, maybe we'd have had a shot but I came to terms with the fact that for some time to come I'll be a parent, and not a girlfriend.

Because I can't see Cohen with my daughter outside the dentists' I settle on the bench in front of the building, enjoying the sunshine on my face. I'm not worried. Cohen probably decided to walk a bit more with Josie when he noticed I would be late. Thinking back at our encounter earlier, I cringe. What an embarrassing performance, letting myself get drawn into his dating life. He should have had the guts to just tell her that he wasn't interested instead of making me lie. I have to admit though, at the time, it felt nice that he needed me and preferred my company - or Josie's - over that woman's.

Josie is awake, and happy - of course she is - when they cross the road, heading towards me. Cohen looks happy too, the brightest grin plastered on his face.
"You didn't use her cuteness to collect phone numbers, did you?" The words are out before I register them. Filter, Lani. Use your filter. His grin disappears before re-emerging even wider. With fake insult he asks, "What do you take me for?"
I hope that my raised eyebrow is answer enough, even though I don't really believe he'd do that. I like to think that I know him better than that.
Butterflies I had felt before but hadn't trusted myself to admit to danced inside my stomach. How easy it would be to take his charm for flirting. But I know better then that.
"So, you took off without telling me," he states bluntly and with still faked insult. I guess I could have send him a message, letting him know. At the time I felt quite hurt and maybe I wanted him to worry, just a little bit. It backlashed though. Cohen made very little attempt to contact me. One meekly message.
Does he now want to have a full conversation or the short version? "Yes, we went to my parents for a few weeks." I didn't volunteer more information. He's probably trying to be polite and doesn't want to hear the elaborate story.
"A couple of weeks? It felt like months. But I have to say, you do look well rested." Wow. Well rested. I must have really looked like a zombie. I lost six kilos. He could have pointed that out. Okay, I would hold any comment about my weight against him.
"I take that as a compliment. Sleep, exercise and healthy meals are rumoured to make a difference."
"All of those three happen to be on my to-do list for today," Cohen smirks. "Why don't you come over to mine. I've got a healthy meal in the fridge ready to be heated up. There's enough for two, easily."
"What about the exercise?" I'm sure I blush the moment those words leave my lips.
"Well, I was going for a surf."
I can't surf. My parents booked me in many holiday camps when I was younger and when on vacation I tried lots of different activities. I've done a one-day surf course once, but I would not count that as knowledge of the trade.
"I'll teach you."
Teach me? As if it were that easy. "I've got Josie."
"I'm aware. We don't need to go in the water at the same time." He must have noticed my sigh, and adds: "Why don't you just go for a swim, or a walk?" The offer sounds good. I need to keep my fitness up. "Unless, of course, someone is waiting at home for you?"
Who would be waiting at home for me? Maybe he misunderstood and thinks my parents are already here?
"Nope, noone is waiting at home. Hence, the solo trip with Josie to the dentist."
"So really, your only excuse is that you don't want to have a healthy dinner with me and exercise?" I probably blush again at the thought that he hasn't mentioned sleep. If he is going back to old habits, then he'll take Josie for a walk while I do sleep. No, no and no. I'm not going there.
"No, I shouldn't. I should go home, finish unpacking. I also have work to do."
The grin on his face stretches wider. "So I've heard. How was your meeting with your client?"
"You've heard? Who told you about the meeting?" For a moment he looks puzzled, but not as much as I feel. "I bumped into Tessa at the shops. She had Josie with her."
She didn't mention a thing to me. I'll need to have a word with her.
"Seems like we have a bit of catching up to do," he continues. "You'll have to eat. This way you don't have to cook."
He is right, of course. But my time isn't the problem. My heart and my head. They are the issues at hand. And as much as I tell myself that Cohen and I are friends, I know that we are not. I may have used my time away to wean myself off him but here I am, not even a week back yet, agreeing to dinner at his place. It was only re-heated leftovers, so no big deal, I try to convince both my heart and my head.

I've only been at his place once, and that time I ruined his party. It's a stunning space, with beautiful ocean views on one side and overlooking the greens of the parkland on the other. This would be the type of house I'd be living in, had I followed my families expectations. Or Harry's. The thought enters my head as fast as I shake it off again. I'm not hung up on him anymore. It's the idea of raising my daughter in a family that I can't fully shake off. Possibly also my conscience which, every once in a while, questions my decision to keep Josie from him. Right now though, I'm here, in Cohen's house, getting dinner and possibly some time for a swim.

Cohen offers me something to drink and over a weakly caffeinated iced coffee we talk superficial things about the last months, while Josie is having dinner from a jar. Ever since she started solids, I keep a few jars and food pouches in the baby bag. I state facts about how I visited my parents, went away with Tessa and signed up my first client. Josie is tired. She only had a short afternoon nap and I hope that she'll close her eyes soon, while Cohen tells me about some of his life saving adventures. The elephant is still stagnant been us. Who are we, what are we doing here and what really happened in the past months. The idea that maybe he was seeing the woman I helped him getting rid off crosses my mind. I don't really think so, but apparently I'm also not the best judge when it comes to men and their lies. Not that he was lying. He had every right to see her. Still...
"You know," he starts, and I can tell that he feels uncomfortable. "I was wondering about your cello days? That was amazing, the way you played." I had been waiting for him to ask about the concert.
"Oh my gosh. That was such a weird night, fun, embarrassing. I don't know. I used to play in High School with the boys and Nick completely caught me off guard that night. But it was fun, I guess. I thought I didn't know how to play anymore but it's strange how our brain works. It suddenly all came back." Cohen watches me intensely as I continue. "Nick let the cello get delivered to my place and I started playing a bit again. Without the stress of music exams and concerts it's actually really relaxing to play. And Josie loves listening to it."
"I bet she does. You were great." Why didn't he tell me that night? "So," he goes on, "You've known the band for quite a while then. - Good friends?" Cohen seems a bit tense. He's no longer looking at me, but making funny faces at Josie. She won't fall asleep this way.
"Not anymore. We used to be. Now it's really just Nick. He's my cousin. I see the others because they're good friends." Cohen stops messing around with Josie and looks at me again with this intense stare. It's like the air is suddenly changing. Uncomfortable butterflies in my tummy make me doubt again what I'm doing here. Pre-Josie I would have loved this feeling, embraced it. Now, it's just awkward.
He's still staring at me and I can't read his thoughts. The silence between us stretches. Josie's winging is a welcome distraction and I jump at the opportunity to get up.
"I think I'll need to take her home."