Dancing Through The Night

Chapter 5 - Cohen

Quite ironic to think that I'm usually the one giving people drugs to be numb or fall asleep and here I'm sitting - again - unable to rest. I guess the dizziness and nausea do numb the pain. The more I think about it, my toes do actually tingle. If I remember the text books right, numbness is the next stage. Well, it's still early days, another six rounds of chemo, at least. A lot can happen in that time. The cancer hasn't spread much though and it's more of a preventative measure. Fingers crossed. I still feel like crap.

All night I have been tossing and turning, thinking about those ugly cells. Watching TV hasn't helped, reading was  a useless method of distraction and the minute I entered the world of the wide web, I caught myself looking up depressing facts, most of them I already know. Staring out the window is at least somewhat relaxing. Petting Winston, my loyal rescue labrador, helps. Usually, I focus on the waves crashing against the beach. I love that sound. It's calming and relaxing. It's nearly high tide. The full-moon illuminates the water and sand in the dark, but the sunrise has become my favourite. I should watch it more often when I'm better. For a few short minutes, the rising sun encases the world in its magic colours. Everything then feels surreal. That's also the time life begins.

I've come to know all the regular early birds at the beach. Maybe in a few weeks, I could join the Tai Chi class that meets every Tuesday and Thursday at seven. The three ladies that march every morning with their pooches past my house in their Lorna Jane exercise gear are just entering the dog park further down the road, on the green park patch adjacent to the beach, take-away coffees in their hands. I wonder if they even exercise or just wear comfortable clothes while damaging our planet with those damn non-recyclable paper cups. I should gift them each one of those fancy reusable ones. The hospital handed out free ones a while ago, and I have plenty at home, and even more in my office. I might give them each one tomorrow. Today, I just have to make it through the day without vomiting. I should make an effort to take Winston to the dog park, or at least the beach. It would be good for both of us.

I watch the personal trainer with his large training bag set up next to the bench. In five minutes or so, the small guy with the beard will come, and after some stretches, they'll get straight into the boxing. I'd put some running exercises in, but hey- I'm not the trainer. I guess the chick just running past my house believes in a good old jog as well. She doesn't seem to believe much in personal care though, with that make-up smudged all over her face. Or maybe she's just one of those girls who put on make-up to exercise. She's pretty - okay, she's hot - I didn't really get to see her face, apart from the make-up, her backside is nice to watch though. I don't think I've seen her run here before, and this is often the time I go for a jog when I don't have night shift. If this is not a one-off exercise for her, I might find out if she always runs with make-up smudged all over her face. But I really couldn't care less right now with my head spinning so much.

The ginger tea takes the edge off the nausea. I need to feel fitter when Vicky comes by later. It was a mistake telling her about the cancer. Now, my sister feels responsible for me and doesn't even let Jayden come by anymore. I loved looking after him on the days I was home while she needed to work. Vicky is a great mum, great sister, and I hate seeing her struggle bringing up my twelve year old nephew on her own. For a while, after her for no good partner left her with a toddler to start a new family with his Italian colleague in Italy, Vicky let me help her with the cost for a babysitter. Reluctantly, but she did. We both prefer to accept each other's help over admitting to our parents that we failed. But now Jayden refuses to have a babysitter. He feels too old, which causes a dilemma for Vicky. I'll talk to her later to bring Jayden around again. I love that kid, and he'd be a great distraction.
If Vicky doesn't want Jayden to stay with me because she doesn't trust me with him while going through chemo then I'm more than happy to pay a babysitter to hang around the house as a backup. Jay doesn't need to know it's a babysitter, and I really wouldn't mind some more human contact. At least I don't have to worry about the finances. The insurance I took out when I first started my job at the hospital allows me to stay home with full pay.

After over three weeks of chemo, this is really the first day I'm feeling miserable. I'm just getting a small dose and from what I've learned during my studies is that it probably won't last long. But hell, I've seen people at the final stages, and just thinking about it scares the shit out of me. As an anesthetist, I'm not dealing too much with the human side of things. It usually doesn't faze me, but now that it's personal, it's a different story.

Anyway, a nanny at my place for Jay could work. The smudged up jogger comes back, walking this time. It looks like she wiped her face a bit since she ran past earlier. I wonder if she nannies. She might be a bit too old for that. Shit. I feel like crap. I need to vomit.