Night in the Ruts

Fairytale Shit - Charlie

Holy mother of all things holy.  Holy fucking shit lit on fire in a bag on my doorstep.  Holy... Holy... God, I'm still at a loss for words.

        Steven's words, though they were said yesterday in the parking lot of a pizza place, still rang clearly through my head.  I love you.

        The look on his face when I didn't say it back was like... I don't even know.  It was horrible.  Awful.  Heartbreaking.

        But I don't know if I want to say it back.  I suppose that an intense feeling of deep affection is a little dramatic sounding, and also a little scary, because... How do you love a person?

        Is it like, you can't stand to be away from them?  You just want to hug and kiss them all day?  What is it?  This is all so new and so confusing and... Why me?

        Anyway, all of this was going through my head at a mile a minute and distracting me from chemistry, calculus, and now, lunch.

        Pinky was sitting next to me.  Marky was next to her, and then there was Wayne (ya know, Piss-nado), and several others who reeked of smoke.  Across from Piss-nado was Nicky.  He still refused to look at me.

        "Charlie, you look kinda green," Pinky stated, giving me a concerned once-over.  "Everything cool?"

        "Yeah, Pink," I say with a sigh, "all's cool."

        "You sure?" she asks.

        I nod.  "What about you?" I ask.  She looked kinda sick too.

        "I've cut back a lot on... You know..." she said quietly, tapping the side of her nose.  "It's just a few withdrawal symptoms–nothin' too heavy–and on top of that I've got a cold.  Nothing special."  She grins.  She's had a little cold for a little under a week now.

        "I see," I say slowly, looking over to Nicky.  His eyes immediately shoot back to his sandwich.  I know him well enough to know that it's peanut butter and cheese on a piece of wheat and white bread.

        Cheese goes on the white bread, and the peanut butter goes on the wheat.  Even though he's allergic to peanuts and doesn't like cheese.

        Anyway, I was feeling kind of sick.  But maybe it's because I couldn't stop thinking about what Steven said and how he said it.  Or maybe I really am getting sick.

        What I was really worried about was that Steven took my whole 'non-response' thing the wrong way.  Because I really do like him.  I just–love isn't the same as it is in the movies.  It's completely different.  And a lot more confusing than what it's given credit for.  At least to me it is.

        Also the little fact that I have some slight trust issues.  You know, because my dad left and cheated on my mom and lied to us and all that... Plus, before I even knew about the whole thing, my friends were talking about it behind my back!  'Just be nice to her... Extra caring and that... Her mom and dad're getting a divorce...' and shit like that.  Eventually, I figured out what they were talking about, and I was, well, really really pissed.  I haven't talked to them ever since.  But I can see them sitting at a table with Jake Renyolds among others.

        But I'm glad I stopped talking to them.  They're all too superficial and materialistic now.  I like Nicky's friends because... They're real.  Like, real.  Or... Maybe I'm getting a contact-high.

--

I drove the hour long ride home (to my dad's house) with the top down.  It probably wasn't the smartest thing to do because it was kind of cold out and some rain was drizzling.  But I did it anyway.