Scent (Scomiche)

Rud(e)y

Bryan, sticking to his word, pokes at me to sing in the car on the way back. He switches to a pop station which I can see hurts him, and he waits for me to pick a song to sing along to. Shy as I am, I don't sing to any of the songs, hoping he'll give up.

He turns the radio so low it might as well be off. “C’mon, Mitch. There has to be something you're comfortable singing in front of me. Just a little sample. Please?”

“Not really.” I think about it. Will he ever stop asking me to sing randomly if I don't do it now? Probably not. I could sing Amazing Grace…
Fine. That's not too hard.

Bryan sighs, and I feel a sting of sadness that I disappointed him.

“Well, actually, I could sing a part of Amazing Grace. I know that one pretty well.”

He turns towards me excitedly, but he can't do that while driving safely so he has to keep glancing back to the road. “Oh, please.”

“Okay, but I'm really not that good…”

He rolls his eyes. “Yeah, okay, just sing.”

So I do. Softly. But I do it. And when I finish I open my eyes and the silence of the car overtakes and embarrasses me.

“Wow,” he comments breathlessly. “Where did you learn to sing like that?”

“I guess choir? I don't know. I wasn't in it for long. Stopped singing after my mom's funeral for the most part.”

He reaches over and grabs my hand. “Well you are a wonderful singer, just as your dad said.”

I shake my head a little. “I sang it for Lindsey the night of her dad’s funeral. She couldn't sleep that night.”

He smiles softly. “That was sweet of you.”

I shrug. Thinking of Lindsey these days either makes me really happy or really sad, so unfortunately I try not to think about her too much.

“You've been texting her a lot lately, I've noticed.”

My first reaction is to become defensive, but I've been trying to work on that because after all, isn't that how I lost Scott? I take a deep breath, then answer, “Yeah, I want to make sure she knows she has support.”

“Doesn't Scott support her?”

“Of course, but a person can use more than one person supporting them in life.”

He nods. “I know, I just want you to be careful.”

“Of what? A ten year old? I think I can protect myself against her.” I recognize I'm being defensive at this point, but I held it together for a second there… didn't I?

“But can you protect your own emotions when it comes to her?”

“She's more important than my emotions.”

“I don’t think that's necessarily true. She's not your responsibility. Your emotions are. And if talking to and worrying about her all the time are going make you an emotional wreck, you need to feel like it's okay to back off from her a little bit. That's all I'm saying.”

I say, “Okay,” but inside I'm completely rejecting everything he just said. If I want to wallow in this and text Lindsey, then I can. I can't separate from her. That would hurt both of us. I can't even see a scenario where he's right. But I wonder if that's because I am too emotionally invested. God, life has gotten so exhausting.

-

Me: i hope today is filled with nothing but love and peace for u and lindsey. let me kno if u need anything