10th August 2018
Each night I find myself wanting to escape
Escape my past
My present
And future
I want to leave this world behind and
Search for happiness
I want to run away and find a place where
My thoughts don't suffocate me
Where silence doesn't scream at me
Where I can hold her hand without worrying about the glares from people too filled with hate to see love
Where I won't worry about the scars on my thighs
And I can keep my promiseI don't want to die.
But
I don't want to live in this world
As the person I am
I don't want to be the awkward person I've becomeI want to destroy the part of me that causes my panic attacks
I want to banish the side of me that keeps me up with my thoughts until I'm crying
I want to let go of the part of me that hates my body
I want to tear apart the side of me that makes me so nervous my hands shake so much that I can barely do anything and makes me stutter so badly I can't get a word out
But if I destroy these things,
What will I have left?Will I just be an empty shell?
Or a different person
These problems take up such a large part of me that I don't know what's left
But I can't escape from this body.
I'm stuck with my problems and insecurities
I'm stuck slowly sinking awayI want to escape
My body
My house
My life
This world
But I can't
I am trapped until I dieAlthough I love some parts of it
The way my shaking goes away when I hear her voice
I can stay sentences without stuttering around her
I love my pets
The strange dogs
The lizards with attitude problems
My curious baby snake
And my antisocial teenage snake
It would kill me to leave themI need to leave this life
It's slowly killing meThe nights I stay up crying
The scars that I sadly don't regret
The thoughts that never end
I need to escape
But I've never found a way to break free
YOU ARE READING
Late night thoughts
Non-FictionWaking up during the night because of nightmares or just on my own usually leads me down a path of thinking. So I write what I think and these are some of the things I have written. These are a few of my late night thoughts