Late night thoughts

Breaking free

10th August 2018

Each night I find myself wanting to escape
Escape my past
My present
And future
I want to leave this world behind and
Search for happiness
I want to run away and find a place where
My thoughts don't suffocate me
Where silence doesn't scream at me
Where I can hold her hand without worrying about the glares from people too filled with hate to see love 
Where I won't worry about the scars on my thighs
And I can keep my promise

I don't want to die.
But
I don't want to live in this world
As the person I am
I don't want to be the awkward person I've become

I want to destroy the part of me that causes my panic attacks
I want to banish the side of me that keeps me up with my thoughts until I'm crying
I want to let go of the part of me that hates my body
I want to tear apart the side of me that makes me so nervous my hands shake so much that I can barely do anything and makes me stutter so badly I can't get a word out
But if I destroy these things,
What will I have left?

Will I just be an empty shell?
Or a different person
These problems take up such a large part of me that I don't know what's left
But I can't escape from this body.
I'm stuck with my problems and insecurities
I'm stuck slowly sinking away

I want to escape
My body
My house
My life
This world
But I can't
I am trapped until I die

Although I love some parts of it
The way my shaking goes away when I hear her voice
I can stay sentences without stuttering around her
I love my pets
The strange dogs
The lizards with attitude problems
My curious baby snake
And my antisocial teenage snake
It would kill me to leave them

I need to leave this life
It's slowly killing me

The nights I stay up crying
The scars that I sadly don't regret
The thoughts that never end
I need to escape
But I've never found a way to break free