Why We Can't Be Together ✔

Eccentric

Dear Eccentric,

Oh, the joys of life, right?

You are a free spirit; you have no care in this world; you hurt whoever you want whenever you want.

Okay − why we can't be together? So many different reasons.

Why did I fall for you? Well...I'm still trying to figure that out.

I liked you. Although I didn't know you long, I thought we had potential; I thought we connected. 

You told me you wouldn't just leave me alone, and that meant the world to me.

I was vulnerable to you; I told you my darkest fear and what troubles I was facing; you gave me a lot of good advice.

I think what made you so attractive to me is the fact that you were so emotional secure and stable during my time of need. Unlike me, you had a positive and optimistic outlook on life; you told life that you weren't taking its shit; you stayed so positive even after what happened to you.

The first time we spoke on video call; it surprised me. We clicked instantly, and I knew you felt it, too. We talked about all sorts of things during our calls, such as your family, your job, politics, your interests, my work...

The sky was the limit when it came to the two of us.

You were a really good friend; you helped me during a really tough time, and I'll never forget that.

That's where things got tricky.

I started developing feelings for you. I was lonely and confused; I got out of a difficult breakup and I was in an entirely new country, how can I not feel something for you? I just wasn't sure if it was infatuation, real feelings, or just attachment. I knew we connected, there was no doubt in my mind, but I was getting very unsure that more we talked. I heard, from a mutual friend, that you also got out of a bad relationship as well; I heard about it briefly when you were explaining your "tragedy". 

Did I like you?

It wasn't clear yet, so I decided to talk to you once more to see how much.

We talked. I told you I didn't want to be alone; I wished that you were with me; I wished that we could meet; you told me that you wanted to meet me, too, and you didn't want to wait for six more months. I could feel the butterflies when you said all that. You said you would talk to me until I felt better; you could leave the video call on, and we didn't need to say anything, just be in comfortable silence. You don't understand how much that meant to me at that time.

I had to tell you.

I did. I told you just how I felt and how I wasn't ready to be in a relationship after my breakup.

You told me you needed space. That was hard, hearing that. I knew it was the right thing to do, but it was hard to confront.

Due to unforeseeable circumstances, I had to come back. I had to come back; I resigned; I wasn't willing to work in that damn place anymore; I was done.

I guess, it was all so soon after that it seemed like you were the sole reason.

You weren't. I knew that much.

I talked to you about it. We still had to take a break from each other.

I got lost for some time without you...I didn't know what to do. I didn't have many friends, and I was hating my job. I was in an awful rut.

I talked to you during my emotional meltdown. I had to. Who else was I going to entrust with my feelings?

Then, one day, you decided − you made the executive decision to end things between us. You didn't clearly say our friendship was over, but that's what it felt like. You said you didn't want to have long conversations, long calls, long voice messages with me, about things you weren't interested in talking about. Now, I understand that you meant that you didn't want to talk to me for too long because you didn't want to lead me on. 

But, at the time, I was hurt really badly. 

I felt betrayed; I felt like I lost another friend; I thought we got along. I thought you felt like we connected; I thought our differences didn't have to be a big deal, but it seemed like there was a much bigger deal to you. 

I was too serious for you, while you were light-hearted and free-spirited. I was always complaining about your need to comment on everything that I say, and that...didn't make you feel comfortable with me. You were always going to be an entrepreneur or a business-savvy guy, while I aspired to change the world, to work for a charity. 

The reasons, to me, sounded hilariously ridiculous. Those differences were so superficial and shallow that I couldn't believe that I even liked you. If you didn't understand why we weren't clicking anymore, you could have just said that. I know you tend to be more on the emotional side and do what you think is best without really thinking too much into it. I understand the emotional side of things because I am that emotional and more. 

You wanted there to be differences between us, so there's an excuse for you to push away from me. I hold the resentment in my heart because I got so emotionally invested in you; I'm not sure why, but I did.

I really liked you, and I'm never going to completely understand why I did.

You took me by surprise, Eccentric. I could feel the energy between us; I knew we would make great friends even if we didn't start having feelings for each other. 

But I am starting to forgive you and myself; I am starting to understand why you did what you did. Maybe it wasn't the best approach or the best timing; we both could have been better in that situation.

I know you didn't want to hurt me; you just wanted to make sure we were on the same page; you wanted to make sure that I didn't see you in a romantic way; you wanted to "rip the band-aid off". I understand that; I lived through that.

You tried reaching out, but I blocked you; I wasn't willing to accept that yet, but I am now.

But why we can't be together? That's the important bit.

I can forgive you; I can accept you for the way that you are; I can accept that you left me and our relationship, but it doesn't mean there's a good chance we'll ever be together, even if you said you changed your mind.

A person who can change their mind about someone so quickly means that it wasn't meant to be in the first place; you didn't care enough about me to say how you were really feeling about all of that; you weren't as emotionally attached to me as I was to you; I was an anomaly in your life, so if I left, it wouldn't change much.

You are someone who is impulsive and emotional; you have a family that has been through too much and would be very difficult to repair; you are in a very unstable state of living; you let your brother control who you can be with and when you can be with them; you are not emotionally stable or conscientious of people; you let people go very easily when things don't go your way. 

And maybe these are all assumptions to your character by the way you acted, but I have to believe this because I don't want to reminisce about you; I don't want to feel anything more than "this was the past" with you. I don't want it to be another incident.

You will be who you will be, and I will do the same; we can't change; if you aren't okay with our differences or emotionally prepared to be with me, that's fine. 

It has taught me a valuable lesson of being patient and knowing the right time to be honest with someone. Sometimes, you can find people in the strangest of places, but losing them can be just as heartbreaking.

Don't try to avoid heartbreak, just embrace it because you never know when that person can be a big part of your life, and maybe one of those times, they'll actually stick around.