Why We Can't Be Together ✔

Nostalgia

Dear Nostalgia,

Where do I start?

Hey Nostalgia, welcome back. It's been a while.

I'm not really sure what I want to say to you. You've been out of my life for over five years, so I don't where I fit in anymore.

How have you been?

What have you been doing?

What has been happening in your life?

Any new changes?

On my side, there is everything and anything you can think of − it happened to me.

My life is a hot mess; I switched out of my very stable program; I broke up with my boyfriend; I have been diagnosed with anxiety and depression; I am not sure what to do in my life anymore.

It's very attractive, isn't it?

Well, at least, I can talk to you, right?

I only know what I saw through the public's eye; what I saw through your public profile; what I saw through my friend's gossip and rumours. Their view didn't align with my view of you.

We had history − messy history − but history, nevertheless. You were an interesting character; I could never get a good look at you; I could never reach over the barrier that you built.

You pushed away from me; I'm not really sure why anymore, but you did; it still haunts me; I still dream of you and what transpired between us. I keep thinking to myself, "How could I be so immature? How did I let you slip away?".

You had your own life; I had mine. We were two souls going on very different paths in life; our circle of friends didn't mix; our interests didn't align; I didn't see you in the halls unless it was by accident.

I always secretly wanted to tap on your shoulder one day and talk to you, like have a real conversation. It's been a few years, and I felt like we could both be mature about the situation.

I had a letter ready and everything:

"Dear Nostalgia...I wish I understood what went wrong between us. I'm sorry I neglected you; I was angry when you blatantly rejected my peace offering."

It was a difficult letter to write; I didn't want to sound too desperate and naive and ignorant; I understood that I hurt you; I just didn't understand the extent; I didn't think that meant you would just walk away from me.

Nostalgia, why did you exit my life?

I eventually made new friends; I was fortunate enough to meet them when I did.

But...I missed you. I really did; despite what happened between us.

"Dear Nostalgia...Why did you ignore me? Why did you block me? Was I not enough for you? Was my apology not enough for you? Did our friendship mean anything to you? Was everything just one fucking life? Why did you leave when I needed you? Why did you move on? Why did you move without me?"

I always wanted you to know that I was sorry; I never intentionally tried to hurt you; I was hurt by you, and I couldn't confront it properly; I couldn't tell you how I was feeling; I wasn't honest with you or myself.

Even after all these years, Nostalgia, you're still the same person I was friends with, but with a touch of enlightenment and maturity.

You did change, but for the better.

You and I still go well together; you and I have philosophical conversations.

You and I.

I don't want to think anything past friendship; it isn't right; you aren't available; I'm not emotionally stable − it can't work.

But is it bad for me to be curious? Is it bad for me to wonder?

Sometimes, just sometimes, I wonder what it is like to be with you; I wonder what it would be like to hold your hand; I wonder what it would be like to have you all to myself.

You may not be in my life completely, but I can feel it − my gut is telling me this − you and I will get along very well; we can still be good friends.

But why is it so hard for me to say all of this?

I don't think I can be with you.

You're an idea I made up in my head; you're closed off; you're private; you are a serial monogamous; you're going through an emotional roller coaster that I cannot join unless you want complete ruin.

You're a mystery; you're a stranger; you're just what I made up in my head. You're the past; you're history; you're a far-off memory that I keep replaying over and over in my head.

I don't think I can be with you.

I painted you in this perfect light; I made you the hero of my daydreams; I made you the protagonist of my many stories; you were always there in some way.

I never understood that about myself: Why did you affect me so much?

You need to understand where I am coming from.

I want to be done searching; I just want the good parts of a relationship; I want a true, honest partnership.

I'm still trying to figure exactly what I want.

I want to the flawless qualities from Mr. Perfect; I want the spontaneity and excitement from Eccentric; I want the innocence and promise of long-term partnership from Immature; I want everything; I want it all.

I want it all.

However, I tried to make something work when it just wasn't; I couldn't let go; I couldn't just leave.

I don't think I can handle another relationship without going into emotional turmoil.

I finally feel okay with myself now; I finally feel at peace; I feel like I'm handling myself and my surroundings; I don't feel like I'm crazy.

If we're ever going to be friends, you need to know that.

I don't think I can be with you.