Why We Can't Be Together ✔

My Pain

Dear My Pain,

Your pain became my pain.

Your sadness became my sadness.

Your praise was my self-worth.

Your recognition was my self-esteem.

Your wrong-doings became my mistakes.

Your difficulties became my difficulties.

Your judgements became my decisions.

I loved you; I love you; I love you so much that I felt like you and I were one thing. 

But you didn't see us that way. 

I sought out your praise; I let you control me; I let you say whatever you wanted; I let myself break down; I cried for hours without an end in sight; I let myself down so many times. 

I didn't feel lovable; I sought your approval constantly; I sought that recognition and praise whenever I was with you.

Words of affirmation—my love language of choice.

I let it me my whole world—your words lifted me up; they were my crutch in the world; they were the only things I've ever known.

I would do anything to be near you; to have you next to me; to have you all to myself.

I would do anything.

I didn't know what I wanted while I was with you, other than the fact that I wanted you—only you. It was enough for me; just you and me; us; our love; it was enough.

It was enough.

...Until it wasn't.

You were enough until you weren't.

You were my everything until you weren't.

Our relationship was my reason for living until it wasn't.

Then, I wanted to die; I wanted to leave everything; no one out there cared about me; no one cared about me; I hated myself; I hated who I was without you; I resented myself.

I left you; you weren't enough; it was all never enough for me.

I kept trying to feel that void inside of me with you; I let you be the critique of my life; I let you be on this incredibly high pedestal; I let you be my whole world. 

Without you, I was nothing.

Without you, I wasn't lovable—loved.

Without you, I didn't love myself.

Everything felt like an obligation to you; I served you; my life was yours.

I belonged to you.

Your judgements became my decisions.  

Your difficulties became my difficulties.  

Your wrong-doings became my mistakes.  

Your recognition was my self-esteem.

Your praise was my self-worth.

Your sadness became my sadness.

Your pain was my pain.

I hated myself; I resented myself; I was your puppet.

But I couldn't let this keep happening to me; I loved you; I would do anything for you, except for this; I couldn't be with you; I couldn't stay around; I just couldn't let myself be with you.

It started as a way to have that space from you. Then, it became a journey to self-discovery; to living my own life; to having my own journey into the unknown.

Without you, I could still live.

Without you, I could still be myself.

Without you, I was a person with so much potential.

Without you, I was still loved.

Without you, I was still lovable. 

I am committed to my safety, my values, my interests, my hobbies; I wasn't going to let myself lose myself anymore. I wanted more; the only person who can give that to me was myself.

I love you, and I will always love you, but I need to love myself first.