Why We Can't Be Together ✔

Patient

Dear Patient,

Hi, Patient. I'm sorry we haven't talked in a while. I hope you're doing well.

It's been a while since we saw each other; it's been a while since we talked anymore than the superficial things; it's been a while since anything worth remembering.

I've been better; I've been getting better; it's been better.

I hope you're getting better, too.

What happened between us—I know now that it was meant to happen; whether it was five months ago, whether it would be a week ago—it had to happen.

I don't regret what I had to do one bit; not one bit.

We had a good run—we did; I loved you; you loved me.

I still love you...and maybe, you still love me.

But that doesn't matter because it isn't meant to be.

That's the hardest part to wrap our head around; that's the hardest part to realize about our relationship—just because you care about someone; just because you love them, deeply, doesn't mean you should be together.

No matter how difficult it was; no matter the consequences; no matter what happened to land you in that point in your life; no matter your history—some things are just not meant to be.

They are just not.

I will always love you. You were my first; my first true love; my first kiss; my first partner. 

You were my first—and I'll never forget that. How can I?

There's no doubt in my mind that you were the right choice from the beginning; you were amazing; you almost fit me like a glove; you loved me like no one else could; you loved me in a way that I may not always deserve—but you did it anyway.

There's no doubt in my mind that we were deeply in love.

It confuses people—why it had to end; why it wasn't meant to be; why we couldn't be together; why we can't be together.

I know, even I was confused.

But I kept reminding myself, over and over again, we couldn't. We were both in different stages in our lives; we were going in different directions in our lives; we didn't align; we weren't on the same page; we didn't always connect.

I was committed; you were committed. We committed our lives to each other; we lost ourselves; we were only with each other; we let ourselves be the most important people in each others' lives; we isolated ourselves; we didn't allow anyone else in our bubble.

That hurt us; it hurt me; it hurt you. But I didn't realize it; I didn't realize what I was doing; I was just utterly, imperfectly in love.

I wanted it to last—I wanted so badly for it to last; I wanted to be the last; I wanted you to be the first and last person I was ever going to be with.

Why do we need anyone else?

Why do we need friends?

Why do we need anyone when we have each other?

With that mentality, that broke us.

Our fragile relationship took its toll, bit by bit, day by day, week by week, month by month...

Until we couldn't anymore.

I wasn't me—I wasn't me anymore.

I didn't want to drag you down with me. I hated who I was becoming; I hated how I was co-dependent on you; I hated and resented myself for a long time; I didn't feel good; I was too reliant on your affection and didn't try to take care of myself; I let your pain be my pain; I let your difficulties be my difficulties; I masked my real emotions and was afraid a lot of time to say what I was truly feeling, afraid to lose you, afraid to be pushed away, when that was exactly what I was doing. 

What I did didn't benefit anyone. By not caring for myself, I was hurting you and, most of all, hurting myself. All I did was seek praise and recognition from you; I didn't care about what I thought about myself; I thought it was irrelevant; I thought I was worthless.

That was no way to be in a relationship, feeling so hateful towards myself, feeling so small compared to you, compared to myself. I lost myself; I lost myself in the relationship; I let the relationship take over my life; I let it take over me.

That wasn't me. It wasn't me who you were dating.

You were dating a stranger; someone I created in my mind; someone I thought you liked—you loved; I thought I was doing us both a favour.

I thought I was okay.

But...it turned out I wasn't, and that was the hardest part. To accept that I turned into something I didn't like; to turn into something I wasn't okay with.

I realized, Patient, that if you and I are meant to be together we will be, but, right now, right now, I cannot. I cannot afford to get hurt again; I cannot afford to lose myself with you again.

I need to take back my life; I need to reclaim my throne; I need to take charge of my life; I need to battle my own battles; I need to slay my own dragons; I need to win my own wars; I need to lose my own wars.

I need to save myself.

I need that time and space—that time and space to be who I am meant to be; to be who I want to be.

Thank you for being patient with me. Thank you for taking a chance with me. Thank you for not giving up on me. Thank you for being there when I needed you. I'll never forget. You will always be this amazing, great person in my heart, and someday, you'll make someone very happy and you'll be happy, too.

But, right now, right now, I need to make myself happy first—first and foremost.

Goodbye, Patient.

Goodbye for now.