Why We Can't Be Together ✔

Nocturnal

Dear Nocturnal,

What is wrong with you?

Every time we text you're only available at the dead of night. You say you're "compartmentalizing", like you were proud of that fact.

All I read was: egotistical, ignorant, insecure, inconsiderate − should I go on? 

I thought − I thought we were getting along well. We had long conversations through text. Dating crossed my mind, but that wasn't what I wanted. I wanted− I needed a friend. I liked talking to someone who had just as much to say as I did; someone who seemed just as engaged in the conversation as I did.

I wasn't used to that.

Someone who was engaged in the conversation, as I was.

It was a rare quality of guys I encountered. 

It seemed like I was always forced to be the initiator or to make the first move. It's bullshit that guys always have to make the first move. Guys take too long to ask someone out; they think about the "right opportunity", the "right moment"; that's all bullshit.

"I just wanted to make sure she actually liked me."

"I just wanted to make sure that it was the right time."

"I just wanted to make sure she was single."

"I just needed to make sure."

All I hear is that you were scared; you didn't want to take a chance; you were just cowardly. If you like someone, tell them; if you feel like you connect, tell them; if you want to date them, tell them.

Why wait? It's not just guys, it's all of us. Just ask them out!

We all wait around for the "right person" to come along. We want that moment to arrive where we see them from across the room; we want to make eye contact; when our eyes meet, it's like love at first sight; it's true love; we're soulmates. 

That's not our reality; love isn't easy; it hasn't been easy for all of human history; if you want something, if you like them, if you feel like you connected, tell them how you feel.

Be brave.

Be bold.

Nocturnal, you did ask me out − I actually thought you liked me. I thought for the first time in weeks, someone was interested in me, despite not meeting in person. 

Nocturnal, why did you lead me on?

I was so looking forward to our date at that cute gelato place; we would talk for hours; we laugh and smile at each other.

We had similar tastes; we had the right mindset to have long, charming conversations.

I thought you were interested. 

Was it all in my head?

Was it all one-sided?

Were you really there?

Were you even real?

I thought, for once, there was someone that wanted to talk to me and talk about something more than just our favourite YouTubers; more than all of that superficial bullshit.

Am I the only one who gets emotionally involved in these relationships?

What is it about me that makes people dump me, forget me, ignore me? Is my taste in people just that...bad?

What attracts me to people who don't reciprocate my interest?

It's lonely, being the only one who cares; being the only one who wants to invest any time and effort; being the only one who wants something more.

It's a lonely place to be.

It hurts; it feels like a contagious disease that infects everyone around me; they want to get away as fast as they can; they want to leave and never look back.

Am I that unforgettable?

Am I something disposable?

Am I just circumstantial?

Am I convenient at the moment?

Do I deserve all of this?

It's lonely, Nocturnal.

Yet again, another person leaves me.  It feels like it's karma for not liking someone back; it feels like karma for breaking up with my partner; it feels like karma for every bad thing I've ever done in my life.

My heart must suffer now...at least that what it feels like.

How can I have faith?

They want me to have faith; faith in a concept that feels so foreign to me; something I have only felt once; they want me to have faith in destiny, in soulmates, in relationships, in love.

They want me to be optimistic.

How can I be optimistic?

You wanted to go on a date with me.

But after a talk with your friends, I was disposed of. It was like I wasn't a person; it was like I didn't matter; it was like I wasn't a real person.

That hurt − that hurt − that fucking hurt.

What gave you the idea to leave? 

What changed your mind?

Why do I invest so much into someone who clearly wasn't interested in me?

I ask all the questions.

I engage in the conversations.

I thought carefully about what I wanted to say at every line, at every phrase; I wanted you to like me; I wanted to be wanted; I wanted affection; I wanted attention.

I try to stay strong; I try to be the bigger person; I try to be the one who is "okay" with everything; I try to be the independent woman I've always strived to be; I try to suppress my feelings down; swallow them down and keep them there as much as I can.

I just want one good thing in my life; one good relationship; one good thing with someone; I want to connect with someone. I don't want life to push us away; I don't want to meet someone, then to find out I can't actually be with them;  I don't want to get my heart broken again and again and again.

Just...not again.

I want to be whole, but all I feel right now is broken, again.