Why We Can't Be Together ✔

Imaginary

Dear Imaginary,

Dear Imaginary Boyfriend...Dear Imaginary Man...To Someone I Knew Before...

I really loved you, even since we broke up. I broke down the minute we broke up. I was walking home from work, and I called you because we needed to talk.

I talked to you.

I could barely get the words out.

"I think we need to break up."

It hurt so much to say because what hurt the most is that I needed to say it.

What sucks is realizing that I took you for granted, and how much you loved and cared for me for granted. Everyday you would miss me. I would hurt you every time, in one little way, or in a big way. I hurt you so much.

I regret not loving you as much as I should have.

I regret not loving you the way that I could have.

You deserve to be loved to no end. You deserve to be happy and have someone who really cares about you. 

I didn't want to be this bruised banana that you had to eat around all the rotting parts. I did not want to be rotting when I am with you.

Even if the realization was slow and fast at the same time, I knew that when were a part, something was wrong. I wasn't the person that you can be with.

It was selfish of me to think that something could have changed between us.

It was silly to think that we could even try to be together after everything I put you through.

I closed myself off for so long, that the one person who opened me up - I shut them down.

I don't like it when someone tries to understand me.

I don't like it when someone knows me more than I know myself.

I love you so much. I will always love you.

But now, I know, I know, for sure, you are not thinking about me. You can never know how I feel about you.

In some twisted, manipulative way, I want you to know that I care and love you. But doing that again would only cause great hurt between the two of us.

We can never become who we were before.

We can never become who I want us to be when you were that and I am who I am now.

I want to freeze and turn back time to the moment that you really loved me.

But I think who you are today won't love me the same.

You are the same person I met four years ago.

You were hurt yet again by another partner.

I wonder if your serial monogamous ways led you to another girl. I have been curious and not wanting to know at the same time.

I want you to be happy.

That's why I need to avoid you, not only for my sake, but for yours.

I don't want to hurt you as I have for the (almost) two years we were together. What good would that do?

I have been avoiding this feeling?

This feeling of guilt and discomfort to how I treated you as a girlfriend. 

It wasn't right.

I wish I had loved you more, or at least showed you that I cared. 

Not in self-destructive and passive-aggressive ways.

Not by going after partying

Or going after a guy at a club I met once.

Or, trying to break up with you for the fiftieth thousand times.

I think, really, what I need to do is to become a better person for myself.

I need to learn that I can love again, and I can have someone love me again in that way.

I don't want to lead a relationship that was toxic as I made ours, but I want to create a relationship that is health and has boundaries and has a meaningful end.

I did not want to teach you once again that another girl would break your heart.

I didn't want to take that away from you.

You are probably more mature than that by now, since you are probably just coding away, or playing video games, or hanging out with your new friends (or girlfriend) at this time. 

I won't know, because you're so private, which has made the breakup so much easier.

But I wish I knew if you were okay.

I wish you all of the happiness in the world.

I really do want you to be happy.

Even if it is not with me.

Even if it means I will never see you again in real life.