Make believe

Chapter 16

He stood up, letting the blanket cascade from his body and on to my lap.

"I'm going to get something to drink." He said, then exited the room.

I pushed the blanket from my lap and awkwardly stood as well, earning curious glances from the boys. I racked my mind for an excuse to leave, then felt silly. They were my friends, as was Luke; I didn't need an excuse to go talk to him in private. Even though that was true, I still muttered, "I'm thirsty as well," and walked passed Ashton to the kitchen.

When I walked in, the light was off and for a moment, I stood puzzled, wondering where Luke had gone. Suddenly, I felt a rush of cold air creating goosebumps on my arms. The scent of fresh air evaded my senses, and I followed the wind, finding the door to the balcony partially opened. The curtains fluttered in the breeze, as did my hair as I neared.

Through the glass, I saw the back of Luke's silhouette hunched over the railing. I pushed the door open, letting even more cold air in to the apartment, and quickly shut it behind me. My body shivered in the cold morning air and the brightness of the sun had yet to return to the sky. The rain had seized, leaving the balcony damp and the smell of wet pavement in the air.

He turned when I walked out, then resumed his position by the railing. I hesitantly walked to where he stood and rested beside him. The clouds hung over us like a blanket, and despite their presence, no rain fell. Below us, few people walked the streets; it was the kind of day you just spent inside. Beside me, I heard Luke's deep intake of breath before he spoke.

"How've you been doing?"

A part of me ached to confide in him; to let it all out. Confess my thoughts of what could've happened if the shooting was in our theatre, and how easily that one detail could've been changed. Such a small detail, but a huge one too. I wanted to tell him of my nightmares; of my sleepless night and my fears of last night becoming something regular. I wanted to cry and have him hold me and tell me it was going to be okay- which I knew it was, but it would sound so comforting coming from his mouth. Instead, I simply said,

"Last night...was a long one."

He forced a chuckle while he clasped his hands together.

"For me too." The boy caught his lip between his teeth and gazed silently down in to the street, a look of concentration settled on his face. He looked deep in thought and I would've given anything to know what thoughts consumed his mind. I began to wonder why he had wanted to talk to me alone, when I realized I didn't care. Spending time with Luke is time being spent with Luke, and since when did I not enjoy that? I swam through the jumbled mess of thoughts in my mind, finding all these words I wanted to say to that boy, but unable to put them into a coherent sentence. He had me tripping over my words even before I said them.

"But it's okay." He began. "We're okay. It's gonna be okay." I leaned forward to see his face and found a hard expression; a blank, clouded gaze.

"I-" I began, then was immediately cut off.

"I was laying awake last night. In my bed... just thinking about what had happened. I didn't want to be that guy that felt sorry for himself, so I uh..." He paused and looked at me, then continued to watch the people down below. "So I, um, started thinking of you, I guess." A shiver ran down my spine at his words. I figured he probably had; I could think of nothing but him either. But hearing him admit it opened up a feeling in the pit of my stomach that I couldn't quite describe. His voice was sharp and defined; he spoke clear and seriously and I found myself hanging on to every word.

"And I realized, that however bad I was taking it. However broken or damaged mentally I felt, I couldn't get the thought out of my head of you crying in that parking lot. And that maybe...you were taking it much worse than me."

I stood completely frozen in my spot, the cool breeze and his words both sending chills through my body. Where was he going with this...

"And I remember wanting you there...with me... I couldn't bear the thou-" For a second he stopped and inside my mind, I begged him to continue. "I couldn't bear the thought of you crying alone in your room, probably reliving the memory. And I realized that I didn't want you hurting. Well, of course I wouldn't want you in pain, but what I mean is, that... It hurt me. Thinking of you hurting actually had me in pain." His voice faded in to a whisper.

I stood there dumb-founded at this new revelation. My heart skipped a beat and I found myself leaning closer; closer to his voice. Closer to him. As I neared, his head turned and I was looking in to his eyes. Those eyes that the sea doesn't even compare to; those eyes that are so light, you could almost see through them. Right through them and in to his beautiful soul.

"I..." I began, but found no words. There were none. None that could be said that could possibly perfectly explain my feelings for the boy. Luke was just... Luke. As a writer, I found the beauty in words; I knew how the right ones could be the perfect ones, and how you could fall in love with the detail put in a simple sentence. I had always found the perfect words to describe things. People, feelings...but there were none to describe this.

I found myself leaning closer and felt my heart flutter when I saw him doing the same. I was vaguely unaware of the goosebumps riddling my arms and the cold air around us because suddenly, I was very warm inside. My chest pounded and I could feel my breathing quicken slightly. His nose brushed mine softly and my eyes instinctively closed, relishing in the moment. I felt his breath against my mouth and wondered what he tasted like. Moments ago, my mind was swimming; racing for words to say. My head was a jumbled mess of thoughts, ideas, things I should've said, but as his lips brushed mine, everything erased. Nothing else mattered really, I just wanted to know what the feeling of his lips on mine would be like.

Slowly, the heat I felt from his body receded, and a cold emptiness took it's place. I opened my eyes and was reminded that I hadn't gotten lost in my own little world with Luke where everything was perfect; though for a second, it felt like it. No, we were standing on the balcony, the curtain of clouds still there and the door to the kitchen was now open. A confused Calum stood in awe, one hand on his hip and the other on the door. Luke had backed away and was now biting his lip, shoving his hands in the pockets of his sweatshirt.

Calum stood there, looking between the two of us a moment longer, then muttered, "We were curious as to where you both went of to..." He faded out and took a step to the side, shutting the door behind him and left the two of us to ourselves. I felt Luke's eyes on me as I stared at my shoes, debating if I should say something, or let him say something. Moments passed; maybe no-one would say anything... I heard a scuffle and looked up to find myself staring at Luke's back. He had turned around and began walking to the glass door. I stood there completely frozen. Was he going to go on like nothing had happened? Well, nothing had really happened... but something most definitely almost did.

He placed a hand on the door and cracked it before he turned and looked back at me. I watched him watching me and felt a want I had never felt before. His sad eyes tried to tell me something, but I'm afraid I'm terrible at reading them. He walked out, leaving the door wide open for me to follow.

My head literally hurt from overthinking the situation. Why hadn't he said anything? Why had he left me to my thoughts when I should've been feeling the softness of his lips and what his lip ring felt like to kiss...

Luke is my friend, I reminded myself. An amazing friend.

I guess he wanted to keep it that way.