Moments Before

Ashton

Logan's car pulled up and I didn't hesitate climbing into his civic. He just looked at me before pressing the accelerator and eating up the road ahead of us. The silence is filled with my occasional whimper as I desperately try to pull myself together. 

He pulls in front of Cole's bilevel home and Max's bungalow and we all sit in the car the silence is now tense as they wait for an announcement of some sort. 

"Derrick and Ramon are home as you know. And um-" I want to tell them what Ramon said, because they know how our relationship, or lack there of tears me apart. They know that those words are what makes me feel like I'm rotting from the inside out. "Derrick has cancer. It's apparently pretty bad. I don't know. I didn't- um ask questions. I couldn't... I just, I don't know." I think I'm going to cry again. When it's just Logan and me I'll tell him about Noah. But for now I needed all three of them to drag me through this.

The rush of condolences is overwhelming as the park the car near the forest path to our beach. It's ours because only locals know about it and it's about a ten minute hike through forest no matter which direction you come from. Sometimes people discover it, but not usually. Sitting on the sand that's clear of food wrappers or cigarette butts I feel like I can finally take in a breath of air. It's so humid and the salty air is refreshing. There's a few mosquito's nearby but other than that nothing to bother us. 

There's a feeling, when you know you're going to lose somebody you love. It's like your soul is dry bread and pieces are flaking off with every passing moment. Like a rusting piece of metal as hopelessness spreads. When you'd jump in front of that bullet for them but you can't. You'd trade whatever it takes to save them, but you have nothing to offer. When every goodbye, everything you say has to be epic because it might be the last thing you say to them, or the last thing they hear. When you just sit and wait for the announcement and part of you feels like they're already gone. When you can't mourn, because they're still there but you've already lost them. 

Every time I get touched by someone I love I am reminded of that hopelessness. Yet this feels different, the idea that my brother could be gone so soon. That there's no hope that I will be able to fix it. Sitting on the stupid sand on the stupid beach I cry. It's not the tearing your clothes, hysterical balling, or the panicked and shocked kind. It's the kind when there's something broken and your soul is cracking apart and there's nothing that can be done to soothe it. It's calm, steady, and it doesn't feel like I'll ever stop. The boys huddle near me, trying to calm me down but I know I won't calm down. I can't. 

Eventually after a long time sitting on that beach I follow the boys back to the car, get in and ride home. No one says anything when I re-enter the building. Rosanna stays in the basement and pays rent alongside her two roommates whose names I can never remember. Grandma, Grandpa and Pops all stick their heads out of the doors before closing them without a word. Mom is crying and Dad is consoling her. I can hear it all through the walls crystal clear. Ramon sticks his head out of his door and takes a step towards me, hand outstretched. I shake my head and by some miracle he listens and returns to his room. 

My room is one of those places where other people haven't been for years. I have a chain and bolt on the door, of course I didn't lock it before I fled the house. Even my own parents haven't been in it for about a year and a half. Ramon and Derrick even longer and the grandparents have only ever looked in once. 

When I entered I wasn't prepped for Derrick to be sitting cross legged on my bed looking at the pictures. To be precise, all the pictures he was in. My small gasp of alarm at seeing him alerted him to my presence and he stood. 

"I'm sorry. Ash, I'm so sorry." His voice breaks and I know I should cut him some slack. Because someday I'll wish that we hadn't fought so much. 

"For what?" It has an edge to it but I can't help it. 

"For... everything. For what Ramon said, for being a shitty brother, for blaming you, for not helping you through everything, for having cancer. I'm just sorry for all of it. I love you Ash. You're my sister and I love you. I came home because of the trial, and the lack of money. But I could've figured all of that out without coming back here. But I had to. Because somewhere along the way I forgot to be your big brother. I screwed it up, but please, please, let me be part of your life again." His pacing goes from fast and erratic to pleading and desperate and I feel tears well up again. I cannot take another crying spell. 

"It's fine Derrick. I love you too. I'm just tired right now. I want to go to bed." It's a mean way to answer him. I know that. But everything aches and if he keeps talking I'll fall apart. With how many hits I've sustained today I don't think I can take another, if I fall apart I don't think they'll be able to put me back together again. He nods. 

"I'm not going to abandon you again Ash. This was a wake up call. You're my sister, and I barely know you. I don't know why you don't like to be touched, or what you do on saturdays or even your favourite brand of cereal. But I'm going to learn all of it." He turned to say this on his way out. 

"Cinnamon toast crunch."

"What?" His head snapped back like he thought he missed something important. 

"Cinnamon toast crunch is my favourite cereal." I know that it's not much but it's something. My brother nods again and wishes me a goodnight before retreating to his own room. While the twins have always been boys, and hot headed to say the least I know that Derrick loves me.