Moments Before

Ashton

School is entirely pointless but all the same I pull myself out of bed and get ready. Brush my hair, examine the split ends and consider cutting it. I refuse to think about last night. Derrick's shocked look. Trying to comfort me. Confusion, pain, despair, anguish-no. I won't think about it. I won't think about how I brushed him off and told him it was about a boy. Won't acknowledge that I once again fell asleep crying. 

Pulling myself together I think about Noah. Not necessarily a happy thought but just thinking about him gives me butterflies. His dark hair, sexy swagger and charming smile. Yummy. Today I'll make things right with him. But first I have a bigger problem. Actually, five. Each of them have names, each of them are difficult and exhausting, three of them will be dealt with easier than the others. Logan. Cole. Max. Derrick. Ramon. I blew the guys off yesterday and owe it to them to give them some attention now. Derrick and Ramon are a little more challenging but I'll work it out. 

Bidding my mother a good morning I skip by her happily. For once I'm determined to be positive. I call Logan and ask for a ride. He says he'll be here soon so I grab what I need from my room and wait while sampling the goods from the bakery. Logan's civic pulls up to the curb and I climb into the passengers seat. 

"Morning." I say tentatively. I'm not really sure how he'll react. He'll feel blown off from yesterday but at the same time can't get mad at me because my brother is going to die. 

"Can we skip first period and go talk? I just, I don't normally feel this distant from you. I like to know what you are thinking. Please?" He's not typically a sappy person so I nod. Text Derrick to call in and tell them I'm sick. Pretend he's dad. He used to do it all the time for Ramon, I would sometimes pretend to be mom and call them both in. "So, any news? Or, I couldn't ask with the guys around but what do you know. About Derrick?"

"Um. Not much actually. I- I touched him last night." Logan slams on the brakes when I make the announcement launching my body forward and giving me whiplash when it hits the seat. 

"And? What did you see? It's been so long since you've accidentally touched Derrick or Ramon." He started driving again. 

"It wasn't by accident. I haven't seen their deaths in years, and I couldn't remember Derrick's age. When he, uh, dies. When you're a kid anyone over sixteen just looks old. But I didn't see it. Logan it was terrible. I heard him die, I felt it, but I didn't see him. His body and the family were on the other side of a hospital curtain. I wanted to know when I would lose him. So- yeah. It's been hard. What's new with you? I just don't really want to talk about it." I sniffle but otherwise don't cry. Which is a relief. 

"Not much new here. Surfing, school, swimming and girls. Lol." I'm laughing as he says it. And we're back to being us. There's only one thing off, I've never kept a secret from him, but I can't tell him about Noah. Logan would tell me to go to the cops, or to stay away from Noah so that I don't get stuck in the cross hairs. So I keep it to myself and spend first period grabbing ice cream with my best friend instead. 

We pull into the school parking lot and the teacher gives us suspicious looks. Who can blame her, we're laughing and I don't look the least bit ill. Noah doesn't even glance up when I enter the room. I'm kind of determined to ignore him like he's ignoring me but on the other hand, he's going to die. Soon.

Class is long and boring, but what else is new. At the end Cole throws me over his shoulder and carries me outside before dropping me onto the freshly mowed field. It smells like summer and grass but my ass hurts from him plopping me down.

"Where were you Ash? All good?" Cole doesn't really do emotions all that much but he'll break that rule for me. Still I know he'd prefer if I keep this short and sweet and so would I. 

"Yeah man. Needed a day off. It's all good." I reach up and yank on Cole's massive hand. He falls down beside me and laughs. Lunch hour was blissful. Like it was before I touched Noah's hand, before Derrick and Ramon came home. Max joins us, he's probably the most sentimental. But I brush him off because I don't want to have some deep moment. For once I want to be selfish and just enjoy a few brief minutes with friends. 

The sun smiled down on our faces and I could feel the vitamin D sinking into my skin. Breathing in I realized that this was one of those moments. The ones that you look back on when you're stressed or sad. The laughing over the stupid things. Not thinking about the things that make you want to curl into a ball and die. That freeing moment that you want to live in forever.

All too soon the bell rings and we, along with the other students assembled on the field all rise in unison and drag our feet reluctantly into the school building. Noah doesn't acknowledge me and honestly he's being a dick. I think that we'll probably go the next day not talking to each other. That's fine, doesn't bother me is the lie that I tell myself. When he sends an irritated and superior glare my way for a split second I feel emotions well up. I decide that for the rest of the day I won't even look at him. Partly because he's being rude but a bigger part of it being that every time I do I'm reminded of the fact that he's going to die.

Sometime soon I will have to summon my courage and touch his hand to see his killer. I'm putting it off because I'm not even close to being over having seen it for the first time. If I wait too long though, than he'll be gone before I know it. Tomorrow, I can't do it today, not after what happened with Derrick. Tomorrow I'll be stronger, not because I want to be but because I have to be. For today I just need him to forgive me, I don't have it in me to argue with him and see his death on the same day. Get the arguing over with now. When the bell rings Logan tells me he'll give me a ride home but that I have ten minutes and he's leaving. The other boys bolt to their lockers. Noah starts to exit the classroom and I have to jog after him and his long legs. 

"Noah, please wait." He ignores me and continues strutting away. I'm starting to lose my patience while I weave in between students praying that someone doesn't accidentally touch me. "Dammit Noah. Stop. Please" Still no response and I can feel my anger sizzling under the surface. Than a student's hand swipes mine. Only a few seconds of the vision. Don't even know which kid it was but he gets pass out drunk on a boat. I don't know if the boat sinks or if he goes overboard, either way he'll drown. Even though it only lasts a few seconds and I don't know him it knocks the wind out of me. "Noah..." My voice breaks on that because I no longer have the energy to chase after him. He turns for a second and seeing my flushed skin doubles back and barely catches me before I collapse.

My knees buckled out from under me. If the visions were only mentally taxing that would be bad enough. But after each one I feel like I've been hit by a bus. He strokes my hair out of my face tenderly and I wonder how someone hellbent on ignoring me could turn around and be so sweet. My hands are wrapped around his arms that are covered by his leather jacket despite the sweltering heat. He's helping me prop up against the wall. 

"Ashton? Are you okay? What's wrong?" We've started to get a crowd around us and I have no believable lie. 

"Nothing. I'm just not feeling great. Didn't know I was going to have to chase you in laps around the school." I hope that my tone has just a little bit of bite because that was a douche move and I won't let it go on in the future. 

"I'm sorry. I-" He stops short and stares at the people who are circling us staring curiously. "Guys, go away." Most of the students disperse at that because Noah tends to be just a little scary. "Seriously guys, fuck off." His tone wasn't angry though the words were. He stared at me with those cloudy eyes.