Moments Before

Noah

When I arrive it's worse than I thought. Lena gives me a bleak status report, that Rico didn't even get up to do anything other than go to the bathroom today. And he had a fall. For a normal person they fall, dust themselves off and keep going.  For my brother though, he falls and some one else picks him up, dusts him off and plops him back down in a chair to be dealt with later. I relieve Lena but I'm hovering by the door, unsure how to approach him. We used to be close enough that I could practically read his mind. Not anymore though, now it's like we don't even know each other. My brother's always been the kind of guy who does better when he focus's on other people's problems, with that in mind I enter the room differently. 

"Hey man. Had a rough day. How you holding up?" My brother's head snapped up, the rims around his eyes are slightly swollen and I'm pretty sure he was recently crying. I ignore it and hang my head low only slightly exaggerating my bad mood. 

"What happened?" For the first time since the accident he looks attentive and ready. Hell he's sitting up in the bed without anything propping him up. 

"This girl. She just thinks that she's better than me. She lives in one of those nice ass houses and has the perfect little family. And yet she walks around like her life is so hard. Just pisses me off." What I'm saying is true, and it feels good to confide in my little brother again. We used to go on morning jogs and bitch about our problems. We might not be doing cardio right now but a sliver of the old Rico shines through when he rolls his eyes. 

"Maybe she does have real problems man. That perfect family is probably shit. I mean her problems aren't like ours but they could still be there. What made you think that she thinks she's better?" Rico shakes his head and I remember a time when his curls would fall in front of his eyes. His head was shaved after what happened and he keeps it in a buzz cut now since he can't shower alone. My heart squeezes when I think of that but I continue the conversation just glad that he's at least alive. 

"She ran out of my truck crying man. I mean, I get that I'm not Mr. Awesome and don't scream supportive but what did she think I was going to do? And crying is just weird. It's also gross, I hate crying, makes my eyes puffy, my nose run. Disgusting." After saying that I kind of regret it because I think he was crying right before. But than something surprising happened. Something I haven't heard in too long. He laughed. His laugh isn't deep or boistrous, nor is it dainty or sweet. He wheezes and does a hee hee sound. It's a stupid laugh. Even an ugly one. But it's his real laugh, not the courtesy laugh you do when someone tells a stupid joke but he kind that you can't help. 

"Crying is kind of gross. I dunno maybe she has PTSD or something. That would explain the crying at least. What's she like?" I hadn't even considered it and that makes me feel like a dick. 

"She's... chill. Like doesn't overreact an-"

"Which you have a tendency to do." Rico cut in giving me a smirk. Even though he's insulting me I haven't seen this much energy in him for a while. 

"Yeah, well. Shit." That's exactly what I did today. Now I don't just feel like a dick, I know I am one. "Anyway, she's smart too. AP. She hangs out with these guys. They're... interesting. And all really close to each other. I don't really know her all that well." I'm ready to talk about something else. 

"But you like her?" Rico asks. "Like like her, not just like I mean." I'm shaking my head. 

"Nah bro, you got it wrong. She's nice enough, she's pretty but I don't have time for that. I've got college and ball to focus on." And you, I think to myself but I won't say that. It'll wreck the mood we've got going. From the look on Rico's face he already knows what I was thinking but he'll let me get away with it because I didn't actually say it out loud.  

"I don't think that it matters how busy you are. I think that a lot of people treat you like shit day in and day out  but it doesn't bother you. This girl got under your skin without even meaning to. That says something even if you don't want it to." Rico argued. 

"Language. You're too young to say stuff like that." I reprimand him. 

"You say stuff like that. Why can't I?" Rico whines back. 

"Because I'm older. Because I said so. Because you shouldn't try to live like me, man. There's so much better stuff out there." I answer. I'm tired of playing both big brother and dad but that's where we're at right now. 

"Whatever. Do you know how many jobs paraplegic people can be hired for? I can't even work in buildings without elevators. There's not a much better life out there for me. There's a minimum wage job calling my name. And unlike you I'm not going to even get a chance to meet a nice girl like you did. And you're throwing it all away. As if all of the shit that you get to do means nothing." He spit the curse word at me. And this was all going so well only to go down the drain in five seconds. My shoulders fall. 

"Rico your life is going places. You're going places. And they said at the hospital with enough physio therapy they might be able to get you walking again. And yeah, it won't be the same, but eventually you could be functioning again. Which is why I hired Lena. You think it's cheap to pay for her to come help you everyday? But to get into the fancy centers that can help you, you have to prove that you could do it. Get better I mean. She's trying to help you and you chase her away. If you don't want to walk again I can't force you. But at least let me know so I can stop killing myself trying to get enough money for it." I started off in the dad role, and kind of ended in it. But here's the thing, I'm seventeen. I'm tired, I work too much and I am done with trying to force this on him. 

"No. I'm- I'm sorry. It's just hard." He's sniffling when he says it and guilt drops on me like an anvil in a cartoon. "I just wish that you were here more. I know it's not fair to say that but it's true."

"It's going to be okay. Just stop pushing everybody away okay? Let us help you get better." I'm sitting next to him and hugging him. He's crying a little, which like I said is kind of gross but in this case excusable. 

"If I push them away now, it'll hurt less when they leave." Those words hung between us and I was stunned.

"Rico, I won't leave you. Ever. I'm here for you. That's my most important job, making sure that I'm here for you."

"Okay." But he didn't sound like he believed me and that was a kick in the gut. Who could blame him though? Mom left. Dad left. The caretaker before Lena left. His friends stopped visiting. It was than that I decided I definitely had to keep Ashton out of my life. I wouldn't let Rico feel like I was picking her over him. I wouldn't abandon him.