Moments Before

Ashton

I wake up in a cold sweat with my blankets resting on the other side of the room panicked. My mothers voice is announcing the time. I saw it, over and over again in my sleep playing on a never ending loop. Noah strapped to the chair getting gutted like an animal. I can't remember the woman face, I'm not even 100% sure on hair colour, or eye colour. All I can see is the look in his eyes, the fear and hopelessness.

I come downstairs in PJ short shorts and a tank top and hoodie. Skipping my morning routine means that something is definitely off, not going to school would raise flags with my parents but I'm hoping to get away with it if only for one day. When I come down Derrick sits in the kitchen looking at me intensely. Ramon isn't present but beside Derrick is a bowl; of cinnamon toast crunch. It causes a laugh to flutter inside of me before tears unexpectedly well up. I was thinking about Noah for most of this morning and didn't remember my brother's promise to be there for me now. 

"Thanks Derrick. It's sweet. But I just can't. I'm not feeling well, I'm not going to school today I think I just need to rest. But really, I appreciate it." His face fell when he realized I was turning him down before concern painted over it. 

"I can stay and take care of you. Do you like chicken noodle soup? We can watch some movies?" Derrick sounded so eager but I didn't need a mortality reminder and it's what he is right now. Besides, despite his assurances I don't trust him to not take off on me again and it's hurt too much. 

"I'm okay. Really. I just need to sleep." No room for compromise. No suggestion for hanging out later and he definitely noticed.

"Oh. Okay, yeah cool. I'll let Mom know you're staying home. See you later." He exited looking a little lost and disappointed. I nod and pad my way up the stairs back to my room where I lock the door and sit on the bed. 

He's going to die. Noah is going to die. Everyone will die. If I were stronger I would reach out and touch my brother, find out how much time I have left with him. If I were a better person I would go to school and reach for Noah's hand to find his killer. I promise myself I'll do it tomorrow, but I know I can't take it today. Desperate for sleep I pop two of my sleeping pills before heading to bed praying for a dreamless sleep.

Than again, when have I ever gotten what I wanted. This time I'm tortured with Noah and Derricks death. As well as a vivid reminder of my own. Tossing and turning it's hours later when I rise again not feeling even a little better. It's close to the end of school and I know that the minute it's out my three idiotic best friends will rush over here to see me. Not wanting to deal I slither into Rosanna's kitchen and tap her on the shoulder.

"Rose, if the guys come by can you just tell them that I'm resting and really not up for visitors but I promise to call later? I just need a minute to rest." Rose nods before giving me a hug and a kiss on the cheek. 

"Of course dear. Let me know if there's anything you need." Rose answers. She's always been like this, soft and sweet. Like a perfect strawberry pastry with whipped cream on top. She gives me a smile as I return to my room where I plan to hide for... I don't know how long. A long time ago when I come face to face with someone I didn't want to see. 

Ramon is standing blocking the route to my room and looking at me with wide and crazy eyes as if he slept as little as me. Seeing him is like another slow cut on my soul, him reaching out to hold my hand or come near me is lemon juice in the wound. 

"What do you want Ramon?" My voice didn't waver I just sound pissed which is what I want. I'm not an angry crier so at least if I'm mad I won't cry. 

"Just- to apologize Ash. I, I don't know what I was thinking. I said it and I've never been so sorry in my life. I don't know what came over me. I'm sorry, you're my sister, when you- and I-" He's starting to choke up and that causes shivers down my spine. There's a large part of me that longs to wrap my arms around him and hug him, forgive him. "Please Ash, can you forgive me?"

If this were a movie I would say yes. I would run into his arms and we would be reunited siblings. We'd go bowling, or have sunday brunch. But this isn't a movie and it hurts to even look at him. "Ramon, I want to. But you shouldn't lie. I know that I'm an inconvenience. I've known since the accident. And I'm sorry that you can't trade me for Derrick. I'm sorry that I did something to make you hate me so much. But I can't take being the victim of your moodswings. I can't do this anymore. So, no, I can't just forgive you. You're sorry that you hurt me, but it doesn't change that what you said is what you feel. It's what you've been thinking since his diagnosis." I start to push past him to my room when he tries to catch my arm to make me stop. Yanking it out of his grasp I yell. For the first time in a long time I do something that would make my parents angry. "NO. Stop Ramon. I can't do this. Leave. Me. Alone. And don't ever, ever touch me again." The first words were said in desperation, the last apply to everyone. But if I see Ramon's death than I won't be able to be mad at him anymore; because all I'll see is his tombstone. 

I don't want to cry so instead I shut it down. Blocking out all of the white noise emotions I focus on what I can remember about Noah's killer. I'll probably have to touch him and find out what I can again but I'd rather comb through all of the info I have now and avoid that. 

The boys do come by and I hear them whine at Rosanna. She won't let them up so they call my cell but I ignore. I'm not ready to deal with them just yet. There's later an unexpected request to see me so Rosanna comes up and announces his presence and I tell her to ask if he'll wait. She hates stairs so she just texts the message to me. I tell her to tell him I'll be down in a minute after I get ready. She reminds me she's not a carrier pigeon. 

My hair isn't greasy cause it was washed yesterday so I throw on jean shorts and a tank top. I also put on a little mascara, eyeliner and concealer to cover a zit forming near my hair line. All in all it takes 8 minutes before I'm coming downstairs to see him. It's strange that we had been in school together for years and not had one conversation and today he shows up at my house. When I enter the room my hair held back in a messy bun with a clip I see him leaning against the counter chatting with Rose. He looks... nervous. As if whatever is he's totally unsure about what's going to happen. Ne normally looks so in control, but I guess with yesterday's emotional roller coaster his apprehension is understandable.