Moments Before

Noah

When Ashton started crying in the car I'd never been so confused in my life. Her hand tore away from mine like she had just touched acid. My mouth dropped open to speak but words evaded me. What was I going to say anyway? She grabbed the sunglasses from me and ran not into her house but around the back. A part of me longed to follow her and check that she's okay. But I was reminded that I'd already spent my day on her. I had to get back to my life. 

Peeling away from her street I drive to go see Sonya. Pulling up to the familiar small blue house I knock on the door a few times and wait. She swings the door open so wide I'm afraid it'll tear off the hinges and pulls me down into a hug. Her hair is effortless auburn ringlets swings back and forth while she talks animatedly. I follow her into the kitchen and for once I can breath. The entire house is more like home than my own. The entrance has two sets of stairs, one going up the other down into the basement. The space is open concept and flooded with natural light. Lily, only five years old comes bounding up the stairs and gives me a hug. I swing her around before plopping her down in a barstool up at the island. 

"Hey Lil. How's going? How was school?" Her eyes are so dark brown they're almost black, her hair in pigtails on either side of her head. She's missing one of her front teeth so she almost has a lisp when she talks.

"Good I guess. My teacher's mad because we didn't have the markers on the school supply list. But I made a new friend! His name's Duke. He's pretty awesome. He let me borrow his markers." Lil has a tendency to rant and I have a tendency to indulge her. I could sit and listen all day, unfortunately a red flag has already come up and I look over at Sonya with a piercing glare. "Why are you mad at mommy?" Lil's voice interrupts my and Sonya's stare down. 

"I'm not mad at her nugget. Just concerned that we had a communication breakdown." 

"What's communication? That's a big word." Lily's question stuns me for a second because how does one define it in words she'll get.

"Communication is delivering a message or meaning to someone. Typically we communicate through words, like talking or in a letter. " I'm about to go on when Lily cuts me off with an oh. 

"I have homework to do. Are you staying for a while? Will you help me with it?" Her voice is so cute and I swear her tiny pink lip wobbled a little. 

"I need to chat with your mom for a second and if I have time before work of course." She squeals before running up the stairs with the endless energy only small children have. "Sonya, I thought you said you covered all of her supplies. What the hell? I would have given you more money if I knew you needed it? You know that I'll do whatever I can to support her and you. I know I'm not around much but I care about you two." Sonya is a force of nature when she's mad so I'd rather not piss her off. Still we had agreed that I would cover Lily's finances.

"No. I am her mother. You are not her father Noah. You don't have an obligation to help us out. That money needs to go towards your future. I accept a little help when I need it but you're already working three jobs. I am not letting you ruin your life so that Lily can have a new batch of markers." Sonya had marched into my personal space and was gripping my hand tightly, standing nose to nose with her I tried to take a deep breath.

"I know I'm not her father. But Lily is like a little sister to me. I worry about her. I want her to have what I didn't growing up. And as for obligation? Of course I have an obligation. When dad kicked me out ... I would be dead if you hadn't taken me in. You supported me when I couldn't do anything. You think I'm going to forget that and skip out on you and Lil? Besides you wouldn't have even had Lily if it weren't for my father." Dammit I do not want to get emotional.

"You are not responsible to pick up after your father. You and I both know that he could be here picking up this financial mess without even making a dent in his bank account. And you don't owe me, Noah. So please, stop putting all of this on your shoulders. You have enough to worry about with Rico. Just come by and visit more. That's all we want." Sonya ended her speech pulling me into a hug. The idea of letting this go tore me apart but she was right, with Rico and my own living expenses I didn't have a lot of cash to spare. 

Sonya always has food cooked. Left over spaghetti was packaged away in tupperware while I started to head out. Wrapping Lil in a hug I kissed the top of her head and exited my own private Nirvana. The second I stood outside on the porch I took a deep breath and regained my practised composure. Can't show up to work emotional. Just have to get through the next few hours of work and then go sleep before I have to return to school and face Ashton. 

I work three jobs. Construction, McDonalds and filing at a law firm. Today I will work 3-6 at the firm, 6-8:30 construction and 9-12 McDonalds. I'll be exhausted and smelly at the end but it's what pays the bills. Bitterly I'm reminded of Ashton's luxurious house, the bakery, the several stories, the fact that she has parents waiting inside for her. It's while I'm flipping burgers and covered in grease that I remind myself why we can't be together. She'll expect to much, and I don't have time for it anyway. Let the girl go, focus on money and Rico, Sonya and Lil.