Finding Me (A Joe Sugg / ThatcherJoe Fanfiction)

Chapter Nineteen

The hotel was coming up and I walked as quickly as I could to get here. My eyes were stinging because my makeup was running into them and the only thing I could do was cry more and wipe my eyes. Once inside the hotel, every worker recognized me and consoled me asking what had happened.
"I'm fine," I lied grabbing a few tissues some bellboys brought me. Everyone really cared about me here and every time I walked into the hotel it brought me back to the first day I was in London and how beautiful I thought everything was here. When reality caught up I just realized this was the same shitty place as Wyoming- except the boys had cute accents. The lady that ran the front desk gave me a room key and escorted me to a small room that was on the first floor. This room wasn't as magical as the room I had before, but it would definitely serve it's purpose as a room where I would sleep... And cry the night away. Once inside the room, I told her thanks and locked the door to have a little more privacy than before. I looked in the mirror at my makeup stained, tear-ridden face and started to cry even harder than I already was. I know Joe and I were only dating for a week or two, but to me he was my everything. My forever in two weeks. When we had a conversation, I wanted to hold that conversation forever. I fell in love with him not for his good looks, but for his personality. He was so good to everybody and treated everybody with respect. A gentleman like that was definitely hard to come by these days and in fact those kinds of boys never entered my life until recently. We were only together a short time when I came to the conclusion that he might be "the one". I could only imagine being with him and nobody else. I love him. I still do in fact. I wish he would've chased after me and consoled me... Just held me in his arms and ran his hands through my hair and whispered sweet words to me. That's what I wished would happen as oppose to what really did happen. The past is the past, right? So why was I so hung up on Joe's past if we were living for the future? I grabbed a towel and wet it under the sink to wipe all my makeup off. After I took it all off, I truly noticed how gaunt I was. It looked like someone took me to go see the saddest movie in the world and I just cried for hours. God, I am pathetic. I put my hair up in a ponytail and I laid down on the bed, face up. The last time I slept in this hotel I was with Joe. We made a lot of good memories here and I would never take them back. Since we were broken up, did that mean we weren't friends anymore? I shook my head and wiped my eyes in fear of crying more. I lost the one thing that meant anything to me. Why did I have to fuck everything up? Was I that big of a screw up? I pleaded myself not to cry anymore, but the tears continued to fall. My phone buzzed and I immediately knew who it was. I let it go to voicemail, not even bothering to look at it. Again, my phone rung with "Little Things" playing. My sobs turned into this heart wrenching sob and I couldn't control myself anymore. I lost him. Forever. My YouTube heartthrob boyfriend and only love. Gone. For a third time my phone rung and I decided to answer it.
"Hello, Marilyn?" Joe asked, he sounded pretty upset. I didn't say a word in response, I just wanted to hear what he had to say.
"Listen Mary, that was my past, I knew they were going to bring it up. I miss you, where are you? I'm worried about you... Will you talk to me Mary?! I screwed up okay! I fucked everything up and now I can't have you anymore, but I need you! Okay? I need you Mary, so please talk to me..." Again, I said nothing. "Marilyn Stewart, where the hell are you?... Please just tell me you're safe and I'll never bother you again..."
"I'm safe," I said and hung up. Tears were forming the whole conversation, and I just let myself go. I wonder how many tears I would actually cry tonight and whether or not I should drink some more water, because I was losing all the water from crying... At least that's how I think it goes.

---

The sunlight actually makes me hate mornings. The way the sun bores into your closed eyelids makes you want to flip your head over and scream into the pillow- which is what I did. There were knocks on the door and I slowly got up to look into the keyhole. I noticed a bunch of people standing around the door. I looked harder to see if I could spot Joe. Once I couldn't find his quiff of a hairstyle, I opened the door.
"Good morning Marilyn, listen we know you're very down in the dumps..."
"But we all chipped in to get you this..."
"And we love you Marilyn, you're probably the nicest and sweetest guest that has ever stayed here. And if you fill out a survey for the hotel just remember my name is Ricardo, R-I-C-A-R-D-O." Everyone gave a friendly slap to Ricardo and he just shrugged his shoulders.
"We don't want to see you sad sweetie. We really don't..."
"Please accept this," the front desk lady said. She handed me a huge basket full of different kinds of things. There was a little basket inside of the larger one with food items and in the larger one there was hotel shampoo and conditioner, an employee shirt, and a bunch of different coupons to local shops around the city. To be honest, I couldn't care less what they got me, it was the fact that all the employees thought about me last night and how much of a wreck I was. I loved the fact that I could not so much count on them, but they would help me in anyway possible. These were the kinds of people I needed to have in my life. Not some YouTube celebrity with a hot body and cute smile...
"Thank you all so much... This means so much to me, you really didn't have to do this..." I started crying a little bit and once everyone noticed they all gave me a group hug. Once the hug was over they all said goodbye and dispersed to go do their jobs. I closed the door and sat on the bed playing with my dress. My heart started to beat really fast for no apparent reason and I figured I was just having some kind of panic attack realizing that I was on my own now. I ran to the bathroom and splashed cold water on my face. What do you do during a panic attack? I had no idea, they don't teach you this kind of thing in school. I decided to sit back down on the bed and took really deep breaths. The whole time I had my hand on my heart and I was really concentrating on getting over this abnormal heartbeat. It took me a few minutes, but after I finally managed to get it to where it's supposed to be. As if on cue, my phone rang. I rolled my eyes because it was so convenient that I would have a panic attack right before Joe called.
"You said you would leave me alone," I said sternly into the phone.
"Mary, I've been an absolute wreck. I didn't even sleep. How am I supposed to live without you?" He said very worriedly into the phone. His whole mood changed from a happy-go-lucky guy to this somber man.
"You did it fine before," I pointed out.
"Do you love me still?" He asked seriously. I debated on answering this question because I did. I wasn't in love with the idea of him, as I was before I met him, I was actually in love with him. Nothing would ever change that.
"Yes," I said truthfully. I clenched my fists because it really hurt me to admit it.
"I love you too Mary, will you please come home to me?" He asked. His voice broke in the middle of the sentence and I could tell how desperate he was. I would not put up with this. It has happened before.
"No. I need time," I said closing my eyes and exhaling deeply. I didn't know what I was going for in this conversation- I didn't know what I wanted. I just want him.
"Marilyn, please we can talk over an ice cream date," he tried to persuade me.
"Joseph, I said no. I told you I love you, isn't that enough torture for one day? You slept with a bunch of girls... I don't know how I can deal with that. How can I deal with you being a player and getting drunk all the time! Joseph I can't. If we ever fought like this, how do I know you wouldn't just turn your back on me and sleep around?" I asked tearing up. Please not this again.
"You don't trust me. Fine. I get it Mary. You don't trust me because of what my parents told you. Get real Marilyn, do you honestly think I would do something like that to you? You're my princess, my raccoon eyed girl when you wake up without taking your makeup off at night... In fact you're the only girl I want to see in the morning. You've changed me Marilyn, you may not understand how or why, in fact I can't, but you just have..." He spit out into the phone. I had to hold a hand over my mouth so he couldn't hear me crying, but oh boy, I was crying.
"Why can't you just leave me alone?" I said in between sobs.
"Because I love you, that's why. I don't want to leave you alone and I never will. I don't want to leave you ever... So that's why I need you to come home and we can talk this over..." I hung up the phone. I could not deal with this anymore. I knew he was sorry he pleaded me to forgive him, but I couldn't. There was a pit in my stomach and I could not breathe from all my sobbing. In fact, I could not breathe at all. I clutched my chest and my heart rate rose again. I think I'm dying. I grabbed my throat and gasped for air, although I could not find any. I never knew breaking up with somebody could mean the next day you were going to die. I mentally smacked myself because I knew this was not any event to laugh or joke about. Once I realized I wasn't going to breathe anymore and I was going to pass out I ran out of my room and into the lobby. People were looking at me strange and one guy tried talking to me. I pointed to my throat and stared crying yet again.
"Someone call an ambulance," the man yelled. I fell to the floor and he cradled my body in his arms.
"Do you know mouth to mouth?" Some guy asked him. He nodded and proceeded to give me mouth to mouth. At this point I knew this was the point of no return. I was dying and nobody could bring me back. I just wished I could call Layla and tell her happy birthday, that was my dying wish...

---

I opened my eyes. Wait, I can do that? Where am I? I thought I died..
"Hello," a man that looked like a doctor said.
"Um hi, where am I? Why am I not at the hotel?" I asked looking around at everything.
"Well, you're at the hospital right now. We called your roommate and he should be here shortly. You passed out at the hotel from lack of oxygen, I'm afraid you're going to have to stay here for the night," he sat his clipboard down and he lowered his glasses, "do you feel alright?"
"I'm fine... I really am I feel 100%... can I call my mom and sister?" I asked worriedly. I did not want them to know I was at the hospital.
"We already did that, they know you're in great hands and the university offered to pay medical bills since you are technically there under school transfer, so you don't have to worry about a thing. My name is Dr. Clifford if you have any more questions you can press the red button on the side of the machine," he pointed to an obvious red button," but you'll have to excuse me. Oh, here's your roommate now." Could this day be any worse? The doctor left the room and Joe walked in.
"Hey," he said standing in the doorway.
"You make a better door than you do window, come in already," I said rudely. He clearly didn't know what I meant but I wouldn't explain it to him.
"So what happened?" He asked.
"I almost died because you were giving me anxiety, that's what happened," I gave him the meanest glance I could, but I didn't truly mean it. I didn't mean anything I was going to say to him because deep down I wanted him to stay with me.
"I'm so sorry Marilyn, I will do anything for you while you're here... Would you like some food or something?" He asked pulling ten granola bars out of his pockets.
"I think I'll take one," I smiled at him. He smiled back and he handed me a granola bar, during the transaction our hands touched and he kept his there.
"I'm so sorry for all the harm I've done. I just want to do right by you Marilyn. I want to make you love me as much as you did before all of this happened," he said in a whisper as if someone was eavesdropping on us.
"I love you even more than before," I said in a whisper as well. I don't know why, but whispering seemed very sensual and emotional. He kissed my temple and a tear fell down my cheek. He rubbed it away and ran his hand on my hairline.
"Why are you crying princess?" He asked softly.
"Because yesterday was stupid Joe. I didn't want to break up with you, I didn't want any of this to happen. I love you more now than I ever did, but that doesn't mean I forgive you for what happened and it doesn't mean we're back together. Just because I almost die doesn't mean we're going to be together," I said rudely. During the talk he took his hand from my head and put it in his pocket. He exhaled cooly and nodded his head to tell me that he understood.
"I get it Mary, I do. But I'll never be able to live with myself knowing I put you here," he said going to the doorway.
"I was joking about this being your fault. I don't know why, but my breathing is acting weird lately and to be honest I'm scared. I'm scared I'm not going to live anymore," I said looking at him with haze over my eyes. I couldn't see anything and I rubbed them to make sure he was still there. I couldn't see him and I rubbed my eyes a little harder when I felt a hand grab mine and kiss my knuckles.
"You're going to live," he said in a matter-of-fact way.
"Promise me?" I asked looking into his ocean blue eyes. I could tell there was doubt clouding them, but all in all he was confident, which made me confident.
"I promise you."