Finding Me (A Joe Sugg / ThatcherJoe Fanfiction)

Chapter Thirty-Four: X

In an instant that's what I wanted. Joseph. His eyes soared over my body like a savage looking for a meal, or worse, a victim. I wanted him to terrorize me- to tear me apart. Forever and always, this is how I want it to be, and this is how it shall be done.

"Babe," he muttered. In times like these that's all he would say. Just one smooth word coming from his velvet mouth could set my heart ablaze. I walked up to him slowly and hugged him. Why did I hug him exactly? He felt my warm body up against his chest and he reached lower to put his hands around my waist. I leaned back to look into his eyes, and this time I didn't see the hungry Joe I saw when he entered. I saw a vulnerable Joe that made me realize that something was wrong.

"Joe?" I asked pulling away from his grasp and looking at him directly in the eyes, but now he wouldn't look at me. Did he even see me? One moment he wanted me, and the next he did not want to look at me. Boys are complicated.

"I need to tell you something important, but you have to promise that this will stay between us," he said grabbing my hand and sitting down on the bed with me. He raised his arms above his head and he took his shirt off slowly to hand to me. I graciously nodded and put it on; embarrassed that I thought things were going to heat up, and quick.

"Sure, go ahead," I grabbed his hand and I kisssed his knuckles lightly. He loved that.

"You're going to die... there's like this thirty percent chance you're going to live and... it's hard. I needed to tell you. This has been on my mind since your last visit. Please don't do this," he stammered out. Somehow his hand broke free of mine and he stood up from the bed and paced around the room looking around for something to break, and he did. There was a mug he bought me the first time I moved in and he grabbed it and threw it on the ground with as much force a man could have during a time of need.

"For God's sakes Joseph!" I yelled instantly getting up and going to where he was standing. There was shattered glass on the floor and some actually projected itself onto Joseph's leg. Could he do anything right? I kneeled down on the floor besides the mess, and careful not to cut myself along the way, and scooped up the shards of mug that surrounded his feet. I was mumbling several swear words in incoherent sentences I made up.

"Be careful next time," I yelled grabbing the small trash can from our room and putting the mug in there. I was annoyed at this point because not once throughout my yelling did he even have the decency to tell me he was sorry for his wrongdoing. "Joseph?"

"Listen Mary... I don't want to lose you because when I'm with you it's the closest thing that I have to a real life. I don't have a career,  for God's sakes I make videos for kids that are fifteen and younger, I can't live with anymore burdens anymore..."

"You hate YouTube?" I asked quizzically. Never in a million years would I think that those words would come out of his mouth.

"No, of course not... It's just... this is bad timing," he mumbled. I looked at him and his gaze once again hovered over me.

"Now is the perfect time," I smiled at him. He slowly walked over to me and kissed me like he longed to be kissed. In fact, it felt like our first kiss. Sparks flew over my entire body and I needed this feeling. My body now felt numb all over.

Clothing flew across the room and as soon as I knew it, there was his body on top of mine. His hands rubbed up and down my body giving me enjoyable and pleasurable sensations wherever he touched. When we were in this state of mind- he was spontanious. I never knew where he was going to go next, or what we were going to do. As we were sloppily kissing each other all over, and I do mean all over, he reached beside his bed into his bedside dresser. A beautiful silver wrapper was in between his fingers and he smiled down at me with that same hunger in his eyes.

"Do you?"

"Is that even a question?" I smirked up at him.

In one swift moment he kissed me and unwrapped the condom. Condom- what a funny word. He looked down at me and rolled besides me to put it on. I rolled on my side and watched him put it on. I laughed as he tried putting it on, which he did not think was that funny, but he managed to laugh anyways. Joe stopped what he was doing and stared at me before we continued the process.

"You're beautiful," he smiled and pointed at my discolored mark on my heart. I smiled back, and if it weren't for the lack of clothes I would have instantly been moved and over emotional. He kissed my cheek and he took that as the opportunity to get back on top of me.

With every motion I was sent into a place where I wasn't myself. It was Joe and I, and we were against everybody that had ever hurt us. I arched my back in time with his movements and I shut my eyes hard, for lack of a better word. He leaned down every now and then to whisper innocent words upon me and to make sure I was okay because I was not talking- I was taking it in. This moment was beautiful, although the first time had to be the best. This time was different from the first as we were in our home rather than a hotel room and that I knew he would not leave me after.

"More."

"Faster."

The day did not seem to end, and neither did the moment. All I thought about was how much I seriously needed this after everything I've been going through. We collapsed on the bed after our activities were over and I snuggled up next to him.

"Crap," I said out of breath.

"Yes, indeed," he laughed. He kissed my forehead and we continued to stay in that position until we both fell asleep.

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GUYS ITS ME THIS IS REAL. I UPDATED I AM SO SORRY I AM LATE. IVE BEEN SO BUSY.

news of the week/ month:

Kris and I are meeting Tyler Oakley next week. I'm going to piss my pants.

I was nominated for homecoming court, but didn't make it. #yolo

I have so much homework I am drowning in it. * PLEASE DO NOT TAKE 3 COLLEGE COURSES AND CALCULUS YOUR SENIOR YEAR YOU WILL REGRET IT AND PROBABLY DIE.

Well, I think that's all.... hope you enjoyed this chapter ;)

-Court and Kris (watching fetus One Direction videos)