Don't forget about me. // Joshler

Basket Ball and sucidal thoughts

A/N This may contain suicidal segments so if you're sensitive or going through rough patches I recommend avoiding the parts labelled with a trigger warning. There will be a start and end label so you know where you can read again. It isn't that bad but I just want to give you guys a heads up.

I sat in maths. There was a supply there so no one sat where they were meant to - including myself. I sat myself at the left back of the class in the spare desk. There was no one next to me luckily.

I thought about Josh again but I also had someone else on my mind. Brendon. He had seemed to make me happy all the time. He wasn't afraid to hug me and constantly read my mind. It was like we was made for each other. But then again, I said that about Josh. Now don't get me wrong, I think Josh and I are literal soulmates and I think I am in real love with Josh. I'm really gay for him but sadly he isn't the same for me. It felt like he rejected me and left me dejected.

I felt something hit my back. Another note. Jon and Joe were throwing notes at me. Surprisingly, Ryan wasn't. He didn't look too impressed over it either. I picked up the note and it said:

" You can't be a slut for Josh anymore. Pete is his best friend and you can't change it."

It was true. Josh has replaced me completely.

"Guys stop it!" I heard Ryan say.

"What's up with Stroppy Pants?" Jon said and shook Ryan aggressively.

Ryan pushed Jon off.

"Tyler is a nice person. There is no reason to bully him!" Ryan replied.

"Oh if that is so, go and sit with him!" Joe laughed.

Ryan stood up and picked up his things.

"I will do so then. Good bye idiots." Ryan said and walked off.

Ryan took a seat by the desk by mine.

"Hey. I want to make up to you. Any friend to Brendon is a friend to me."

Ryan stuck his hand out and I took it. We shook hands lightly. I flashed a fake smile to him.

"I don't mean to bully I'm just scared if loosing friends. It seems bullying is the "trend" in keeping friends or something." Ryan continued.

It feels like everyone who bullied me was really just afraid of Pete or loosing their friends. Why me though?

"That's alright." I mumbled.

"Brendon is a nice dude isn't he? I really like his body," he said.

I nodded. I must admit, Brendon did have a nice body. So did Josh though.

"I'm going to hang with him tonight. You can join is for a little while."

I shook my head. I loved the offer but I had basket ball practice and my mum is forcing me to go.

"Loved to but  I have basket ball practice." I said.

Ryan looked sad.

"That is alright. Maybe another night." He suggested.

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I walked home with Gerard and Frank. Brendon had gone a separate way to Ryan's house.

"You like music?" Frank asked me.

"Yeah it is great. Love to learn the piano or ukulele." I replied.

"Well Frank and I plus Ray and Mikey are a band. If you want to hear some of our music then you're welcome to join us in our basement." Gerard said.

"And we could teach you how to play the piano. We have one. Haven't got a ukulele  though." Frank added.

I nodded. "Thanks guys. I will visit you to listen to you play some time next week."

"Ok dude see ya." Gerard said as they both walked away hand in hand.

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{Could be triggering}

I was sat in my room with my basket ball gear already ready. I sighed as more thoughts about Josh flooded though. This time, I was reminded about the time when Josh first took off his shirt. Showing off his sweet abs. I was jaw dropped obviously. He had such a sexy body.

Then I remembered that all of that is gone. He is Pete's best friend once again. He was most likely happier now. I couldn't take these thoughts any more.

Why wouldn't they disappear?

I have better friends now. Especially Brendon. Why can't I just go gay for Brendon? But he has Ryan. Did he actually love Ryan?

I couldn't take it any longer. I throw my basket ball bag across the room causing it to smash into my wardrobe and dent it.

I ran into the bathroom and locked the door. I looked for the sharpest razor possible. It was right at the back and had never been used. I ran my finger down the blade. It sliced my finger a little. I pushed the razor into my forearm as hard as I possibly could until it started to bleed. It bled thick blood. I watched it ooze out of my body and trickle down my skin.

I went to cut my skin again when I remembered that everyone would see the cuts. My other ones have scabbed over. I covered my fresh cut with a plaster and picked at the noticeable old cuts. I tried the best as I could. Hopefully no one would see.

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{Trigger gone}