Another Alternative

The Best Kind of Insane

Weeks passed, yet I was still thinking about her. That wonderful girl who tore out my heart and left me wandering and confused. I could no longer go a day without wondering what Grace was up to, where she was, what she was doing. I was sick of it. Sick of caring about her at all. I even wished she and I had never met. At work, I imagined her walking through those doors, ordering a drink and not even remembering me. I imagined her bursting in and apologizing, telling me she was just scared and that she wasn't scared anymore.

"Hannah." A voice said from behind me. I realized I was staring at the bottle of vodka Grace and I had shared and turned around. I stopped dead when I saw who it was.

"Grace?" My heart started beating at the fastest pace it ever had and I couldn't manage words that made any sense. After stumbling over my words for a moment, I managed to ask her what she was doing there.

"I came because avoiding you is killing me. Can we talk somewhere a little more, uh, private?" She followed me to the back room so we could talk about what the hell she was doing in my bar. "Look, I know I shouldn't be here. It's just, I've been thinking about you a lot. I know this is crazy and stupid but I really can't stop thinking of you. That night was a lot for me and I think you can figure out why."

"What? Were you scared, or something?" I found I was angrier than I had thought. "Do you have any idea how hard this has been on me?"

"I know, and I'm sorry about that. But it wasn't great for me either." She was looking down at her hands as she said it, and I could tell that it would hurt her to look me in the eye, so I didn't push it. "I just needed to forget. But I couldn't. In fact, I've just found myself remembering more and more about that night. Haven't you?"

"Yeah, I remember almost everything. Except for why we did what we did." I went over to her and took her hands in mine, looking deep into those deep brown eyes. She was crying now. "Hey. Everything's fine. Everything's going to be okay. I swear."

"How can you even say that?" She let out a sob as I pulled her into a hug and kissed the side of her head, loving that she didn't react. "How? How can you say everything will be okay when there's no way you could possibly know that?"

"I told you. I never know why, I just know who." I pulled away, kissing her forehead for a moment that I wanted to last forever. "And I think you can figure out that I'm perfectly okay with who's right in front of me."

"But this is madness." She stood up and started pacing around the room. "Us, being together. What will people think?"

"Who cares?" I half-shouted, standing in front of her and forcing her to look me in the eye. "We are not defined by what other people think of us. If you can look me straight in the eye and tell that this doesn't just feel right, I'll let it go. I'll never contact you again and I won't push it, but you have to be able to tell me. So, how's about it?"

"Why are you doing this, Hannah?" She had tears pouring down her cheeks and at that exact moment, I could hear my heart burning. It was panging rather evidently in my chest.

"I'm so sorry, but I need to know if it's true." I had a lot more sympathy in my voice as I said that. I realized that to genuinely help her I needed to be kind. "So, please, please, can you tell me that?"

"Why?"

"I need to know. That's all I can really tell you without freaking you out." My voice softened and I couldn't take my eyes off Grace for one second. She was so beautiful, "Could you please just-"

"I can't!" She shouted and I stopped dead in my tracks.

"Wha-what?"

"I can't tell you that I don't feel it because I do! Okay?! I do feel it but I can't just say that, Hannah! Ah, fuck it!" In an instant, Grace's lips were on mine. At first, I was as shocked as humanly possible. But after a moment, we both just fell into I and it fit so well. The moment seemed to last an eternity. The world slowed down. Of course, we had kissed before, but that was in a totally different state of consciousness. This I was sober for. And, boy, was I glad I was sober for that.

"Wow." Grace said as she looked deep into my eyes for a long time. She hadn't looked at me for more than three seconds since that first night. To be honest, it was a relief.

"I know." I placed a small kiss on the tip of her nose and saw a touch of redness go to where the kiss had been. It reminded me of the redness in her nose when we first. I smiled a bit at that. "So, what are we going to do about this?"

"It doesn't matter." She smiled a genuine smile for the first time since we met and I was so grateful for that one smile. "Whatever happens, we'll figure it out. I love you, Hannah."

"I love you, too." I kissed her again. "But, seriously what the hell are we going to do?"

"I don't know." She laughed and I rested my head on her shoulder. "Whatever happens, happens. And as much as I hate saying this, we can't tell anyone about this."

"I know. I know." I started crying. "I just wish we could. It sucks so fucking bad that honesty isn't an option."

"Language!" She joked. I smiled and brought my face to hers, kissing her lightly.

"I love you." I whispered. "So much."

"I love you too" She pushed my hair behind my ear. "But I have to go. I told my friend I'd only be a minute."

"Stay." I pleaded. "Please."

"I didn't expect it to go this way. I thought you were going to hate me. This was spur if the moment. I have a show to catch." She laughed. "Not to make you think you're a pit-stop."

"I'm getting off work now. Can I join? I don't want to be without you after this." I was desperate and she could tell. It was pathetic really.

"Alright." She caved. "But no getting all lovey-dovey. This is a secret, don't forget that. Deal?"

"Deal." I smiled as she wiped away my tears. "Well then. Off we go."