Emotionless Emotionals [Analogical College Au]

[2]

Overall, Virgil thought he was settling into the college life extremely well. He was a few weeks in and hadn't fucked anything up so far, which was nice. His anxiety hadn't been through the roof since move-in day, which was an incredibly nice change... but he wasn't surprised when it resurfaced again. He scrambled to unlock the door to his dorm, slamming the door and locking it once he was inside Accidentally startling Logan. He closed his eyes and breathed out a low sigh, sinking and sitting on the ground. "Um..." Logan paused trying to decide whether to ask 'are you okay?' Or 'what happened' Seeing Virgil in an almost panic attack like state he already knew the answer to the first question so he asked the second, "What happened?"

Virgil jumped when Logan awkwardly spoke up, feeling a surge of guilt. "Fuck, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to disturb you," he said. "It's stupid, really, don't worry about it, I really am sorry-" Logan holds up his hand to non verbally and calmly stop him, "Virgil, it's alright... I wasn't doing anything majorly important, just breathe," He and Virgil had discussed different ways to help Virgil calm down, and seeing how he was currently was he realized that he most likely just needed to be reminded that he was in the safe space, Virgil considered their dorm a safe space, he's away from people that would make him panic, away from the stressful classes, nothing can hurt him here... "You're safe, it's okay..."

Virgil nodded and focused on his breathing, using the technique that his old therapist taught him: in for four, hold for seven, out for eight. In for four... hold for seven... out for eight... Virgil repeated this exercise and listened to Logan's soothing words, calming down after a few minutes. He started to apologize, but corrected himself, murmuring, "Thanks for helping me."

Logan nodded, "it's not a problem, are you okay, now?" He asked to verify before he went to ask about what had caused him to go into that state. Virgil gave him a small nod and slowly stood up, grabbing his small grocery bag. He put his ice cream in the mini fridge, leaving the rest of his snacks on the ground and climbing onto his bed. After a moment's hesitation, he shifted to one side, hesitantly gesturing to Logan. 

"Join me?" He asked quietly. Logan paused considering the request before saving his work, shutting his laptop, and making sure it was plugged in so it wouldn't just die, that's happened to him too many times already. He made his way over to Virgil's bed, sitting down beside him. Virgil's face turning pink when he did so there was a moment of silence between them until Logan spoke up "So, what happened?" He asked, again, hesitantly.

Virgil chewed at his lip nervously, looking down at his lap. "When I was on my way back from the campus store, a drunk girl started flirting with me." Better to just blurt it out, get it over with. "Oh...." Logan drew in a sharp breath, "That... Obviously was not very pleasant... That's exactly why I prefer not to leave the dorm on the weekend." He mentioned casually. Virgil snorted dryly at that. "Brilliant observation," he said sarcastically, though there was no real contempt in his voice. He kept his eyes down, muttering, "Yeah, I'm not used to people... noticing me like that. Especially not girls." 

His heart fluttered. Fuck, Logan didn't know he was gay. Was now a good time to come out? Should he come out? What if Logan found out anyway? He gripped at his sheets, his anxiety starting to grow again. Logan, obviously, noticed him doing so, but decided not to say anything in case he made it worse and continued the conversation. 

"Neither am I," he spoke clearly. "I'm not a romantic person so I've not had many relationships that lasted for very long.." He mumbled under his breath. Virgil changed a glance at Logan, his eyes full of curiosity. "I've never even been in a relationship before," he admitted quietly. Logan's expression turned into one of confusion, "I don't see why, you're incredibly nice and-" he cut himself off the second he realized what he was saying, his face flushing red, he cleared his throat, Virgil's eyes widened at that and he turned away from Logan, his face turning bright red in embarrassment as Logan continued, "Well, um... The relationships I was in weren't anything that spectacular or, special... So I'm not one to give an insight on what being in a relationship would be like..." He explained quickly.

"T-That's, uh, that's really nice of you to say," Virgil managed, picking at his fingernails. "I mean, that's still more experience than I've ever had. I haven't..." He swallowed nervously, then mumbled, "I haven't even had my first kiss." Logan took a breath obviously incredibly hesitant to speak about what he was about to say, "Um... Actually, Virgil, before this conversation goes in the direction I believe it's going, You should probably know... I'm... Gay..." He stated, waiting for Virgil to push him away and call him disgusting as that's how a strangely large portion of straight people acted.

Virgil's breath caught in his throat and he turned to look at Logan. His eyes were wide and his face was red, but a small, bashful grin crept onto his face regardless. "Dude, same," he said, feeling most of the tension he had held inside of him release all at once. Logan grinned, "Well then... That makes this so much easier.." He paused to let his nerves calm back down before continuing. "My first kiss was with a guy, back in high school and it was incredibly quick, subtle and meaningless. He just basically pulled me off to the side in the hall between classes it was a quick kiss then we parted... And it meant nothing as we broke up the literal next day so... Again, I can't offer you much..." He shrugged

Virgil listened contently as Logan talked about his first kiss, his heart doing weird things. Why was he so flustered?? Geez! "I want my first kiss to be at least a little special," he said. "I've had a few crushes on guys I went to high school with, but all of them were straight." Logan sighed, "See that I can't relate to, then again I sort of choose to distance myself from those feelings a bit so emotion doesn't cloud my judgment... I've never fallen for someone and not had the feelings returned, or... Never really fallen for anyone the only reason I've been in a relationship is that it was very difficult to say no at that moment for me for some reason." He shrugged.

"I wish I could distance myself from some of my emotions more," Virgil admitted. "They can get... messy. And all of my crushes have only led to inevitably finding out they're straight." He turned to meet Logan's eyes again. "I hope you're able to be in a better relationship one day," he breathed. Shit, they were sitting really close... Logan caught his bottom lip between his teeth subtly, trying not to think of how close they were, trying not to think of how easily he could kiss him, that'd be ridiculous, he probably only sees him as a platonic friend. He nodded, "and I hope for you to have a mutually beneficial relationship," he stated, his words quiet and almost a whisper, he felt like he should stop and distance himself from this, these feelings but... He didn't want to, not yet at least...

Virgil's eyes wandered down to Logan's lips, his breath hitching when Logan's bottom lip was caught between his teeth. He quickly snapped his gaze up to look at Logan again, praying that he somehow hadn't noticed his horribly obvious staring... even though Logan was one of the most observant people Virgil had ever met. He opened his mouth slightly to say... what? What was he going to say? His mind was completely blank. His attention was focused on the man in front of him. Logan obviously noticed Virgil staring, he wanted Virgil to say something to break this silence, the way his lips were subtly parted was teasing him,

but no... Logan decided to be reasonable, don't let emotions cloud your judgment, Virgil wants his first kiss to be special, not with someone emotionally inept. he thought. Virgil had just started to lean closer when Logan broke the spell of the silence that had fallen over them. He let out a very obvious fake cough and cleared his throat harshly, hurting his throat ever so slightly. "I... I have ... Work to finish, a project..." He spoke as he got off the bed and went back to his own hastily, it was almost like he couldn't open his laptop fast enough, he just wanted to get lost in his work forget this happened, forget these feelings, they aren't real they're just really close friends, that's it. They won't be anything more. Ever.

Virgil's face turned dark red and he quickly moved back even as Logan climbed off of the bed. "Yeah, uh, you do that," he muttered vaguely, grabbing his phone and turning to face the other way. Stupid, stupid, stupid. Just because he's gay, doesn't mean he feels the same way about you, Virgil thought to himself harshly. His eyes started to well up with tears, but he quickly blinked them back. Stupid. He wished he could push his emotions back like Logan. Emotions were stupid and never worked out well for him.

Logan tried to get to work and forget but his thoughts were jumbled, he hated these feelings, these feelings of uncertainty, doubt and inadequacy, they all stemmed because of feelings of trust, comfort and he hates to admit it but possibly even love. He doesn't want to ruin that for Virgil... Ruin this amazing thing for him... He always ends up ruining good things anyway. He then realized as he snapped out of his thoughts that he had gotten absolutely no work done, that he had been completely spacing out. He sighed and finally managed to get to work.