Dents

[+] Humility

The day began like any other.

As I dragged my tired body down stairs, I expected to be assaulted with a cloud of bacon grease. It had become commonplace for 2D to wake before me and prepare breakfast. I was hesitant to describe it as normal. There wasn't anything normal about it.

I was relieved to discover that the kitchen was empty, however the feeling quickly shifted to guilt. I didn't want to be at ease in his absence. I missed the familiarity we had. I ached for the closeness that we shared before he had begun to change. A mere week and a half ago, I would have been elated to eat one of his terribly prepared breakfasts. 

Now, when he set one of those perfectly executed plates before me, all I could think about was how he wouldn't even remember that he made it.

Yesterday, Noodle announced that another bassist would be subbing in for Murdoc while he worked out a fresh scheme to break out of jail. Our attempt at aid had been wildly successful in earning him the respect of the inmates. It had done little else in the long term.

Our new bassist was a man by the name of 'Ace.' He was described to me as an associate of Murdoc's. Supposedly, the two ran in a gang together several years back. I was immediately cautious of him considering the sort of company Murdoc was known to keep. The thought of another sleazy drunk lumbering around the house wasn't favorable, to say the least.

The kitchen felt emptier.

The air inside was stifling. Phantom smoke filled up my lungs. It was like the heavy smog from every perfect breakfast had turned to coagulated blood in my throat. Regardless of how I coughed or heaved, I couldn't displace it.

I slid on my shoes. I needed fresh air.

The moment I opened the door, I saw that 2D was already sitting down on the stoop.

He sat with his hands on his knees, his gaze drawn to the rising sun in the east. His fingernails were bitten to little more than stubs. A small pile of cigarette butts in varying sizes were stacked in front of him on the concrete.

Birds chirped in unmatched tunes, their cries slowly disappearing as the coming winter scattered them to the south. The sun reached in desperation toward the sky, bathing the world in a pink hue that reminded me of simpler days.

It took him a moment to notice I was there.

"Aye, Saoirse."

"Hey, 'D."

I sat next to him, taking his hand. It was freezing. I clasped his fingers in mine, trying to help him regain some semblance of warmth. He wore an ill fitted, tattered hoodie that did nothing to keep the cold out.

"How are you holding up?"

"'M not sure I even know," he sighed.

I leaned my head on his shoulder.

"I love you, 2D."

He turned to face me. His eyes were a vacuum.

"Wha' if I'm not me anymo'? Would yew still luv me then?"

"You're always you," I smiled.

"Look, 'D, there's something going on, okay? That doesn't mean that I don't love you. We're going to figure out what this is. I will help you however I can. What I feel for you won't change."

"I luv yew, too, Saoirse," he whispered. He sounded distant, faraway. It was like he was somewhere else.

The sun at last settled into its home in the center of the sky. I snuggled closer to 2D, holding him by the waist. One of his thin arms rested comfortably on my shoulder.

"I've put yew frough a lot, haven't I?"

"I could say the same."

He laughed. It was perhaps the single most enchanting sound I had ever heard. It had been a long time since his laughter felt genuine. It gave me a great sense of peace.

"Guess yew could, yeh? Bu' really, I'm sorry. I... I don't want to be like 'is."

His hand traced foreign symbols on my skin. I was struck with the strangest inkling that 2D, as innocent and trustworthy as he was, may not have been telling me everything. 

The wind increased. He held me tighter. 

"Yew're all I can fink about, yew know. When I... When I'm me."

His stare was vacant. The swirling depth of his obsidian eyes consumed me. I saw in him the history of everything that brought us to where we now stood.

"I want yew to be happy. I want to make yew feel like how yew make me feel. Bu' lately, when I've been losin' myself like this... I don't know. I wake up again 'n yew aren't there, 'n I see yew lata lookin' like yew've been frough hell 'n back. 'N I know et's all 'cause ov me."

2D smiled. It was hollow. It was a desperate attempt to reassure me at his own expense.

"You don't have to smile for my sake, you know."

"W - Wha' do yew mean?"

"It's just that... You used to do that before, too. When we were on Plastic Beach."

"Yeh," he mumbled, "Yeh, I guess I did."

I shivered in his arms. I felt like I was standing exposed and unarmed on a battlefield. I didn't even know what I was fighting. I latched onto him, vulnerable, like a scared child.

I was so afraid for him.