Thoughts From 1:00 a.m.

Hurting

I'm hurting. 
On the outside instead in. 
I desperately want to match it, but I don't know where to begin. I'm afraid to tell you.
I don't want to look weak. With racing thoughts and being lost, I don't know where I am. 
See, I'm too scared to ask for help. The thought of confrontation keeps me wondering if I'll make it through. 
I cry myself to sleep. I can't keep up with the inside and outside versions of me. It's too complicated piecing together seven different puzzles mixed in eachother. 
My life isn't winning. I don't know why I'm breathing or how to stop the beating that pounds in my head. I don't where I stopped or where I began. I wish I had road map of where I've been. To get lost in my own sanity and think that it's a masterpiece truly puzzles me.
How can something so wrong, so complicated to the core make me think that it hasn't been done before. It changes with the mood, making me from red to blue. Can't keep track of these issues that I keep hidden from you.
I'm scared of myself, don't know who I am. It's like I'm lost at sea never to be seen again. I'm looking for the better me, losing track of my sleep. Staying up til the a.m. thinking that one day I'll change it. But, I know I never will. Not with this sleeve of countless tallies. We all knew I couldn't do it, I just let it happen.