Thoughts From 1:00 a.m.

Discarded

I don't trust myself. When my conscious is a different person than the one I see in the mirror. I don't think I can touch myself. My skin feels foreign like I'm just a stranger I've never met before. I look at my scars to keep track of where I've been. I shouldn't be this ashamed of myself. At the end of the day I should feel like I'm the same human I was when I started. My body shouldn't feel this discarded. 

It's like a shock to my brain. I don't care what's real, it's all pain. I overwork myself to feel something, anything. Just to keep me from thinking I give myself stressful days that don't end. They go on and on without any indication that they're gone. No way to tell what I've done. I don't really know where I belong. 
I'm too excited to be depressed. Too emotional for it to make sense in my head. I'm too loud, not proud, and I don't deserve the attention. How can I be positive when all that I feel is empty, lonely, heartbroken, going numb. Slowly. 

It's like watching yourself implode. The pressure builds up, but seen by no one. When you break the dam just floods you. I'm scared to ask for help. I don't want to look this weak infront of you. I hope you enjoyed the show, because from what it seems no one wanted to see how it goes.