Deep Blue // BTS JIN

Chapter thirteen: Killing me

Joy's POV

I was speechless. I didn't know what to say at all. My tears just kept flowing down as I watched Sora smile at me. Her smile was the saddest smile I've ever seen and it broke my heart. I felt her pain like it was my own. 

No.

I wasn't able to feel the same way. 

Because I had a mother and she lost hers.

I couldn't say 'I understand' or say 'it's okay'. These things were toxic to say to a person who was in pain, because you could never understand how that person truly felt. Every human being processed pain in another way and no one had the right to say which way was best.

"Can I hug you?" I asked instead of all the other questions that were running through my mind. I pushed them away, because at that moment Sora didn't need questions. She needed warmth. She needed care. She needed love.

Sora nodded and I moved closer to her, wrapping my arms around her. She felt so vulnerable and broken at that moment and my goal was to protect her.

"Can I stay the night?" I asked after a while and I felt Sora nodding.

-

"What are you going to do when Jin returns?" I asked as we were watching The little Mermaid. The mermaid swam towards Ursula and I already knew what was coming. I moved my head away from the TV and looked at Sora who was sitting straight in the old couch.

"If he returns." Sora muttered, still focusing on the movie. I knew she wasn't really concentrating but was filled with thoughts. I wrapped my blanket tighter around me and moved a bit closer to her.

"Do you hate him?" I tried again, trying to make Sora talk about her emotions. 

She didn't answer me and the only background was Ursula singing.

Sora took the remote and turned off the TV. Her eyes met mine and I saw no hate in her eyes. Only emptiness. Her eyes that sparkled before were staring dull into mine.

"I don't hate him. I have no right to hate him. It was my own fault to get interested in him and to like him. To kiss him." 

Sora's eyebrows formed a frown as she tried to remember the things that had happened. She suddenly started to laugh but it was a cynical one.

"I actually started everything. I winked back at him when he had no intentions. I fell into the pool and he saved me. I asked him to kiss me. I initiated the second kiss. I did everything on my own. I can't hate him for that. But...I do resent him, for making me get attached so quickly." 

"You can't think like that. He also reacted, it's not your fault. It just...happened. Maybe he will return." I gulped nervously as I started to feel that Sora was starting to walk on a dangerous path.

Her cynical laugh scared me again. It was as if she hated herself for everything she did.

"I'm not going to make the same mistake IF he returns. I learned enough these months." 

He's been gone for seven months.

"You can't hate yourself." I said softly.