Diary of a Falafel Lord

Sunday

I'm not sure how I feel about fifty super-buff warriors sleeping over in Alex's room. And Charlie. The super-muscles don't seem to have affected him, he's still as skinny as he's scary. And doesn't talk.
I think I'm getting the picture of Alex's plan. Not 100% sure, but I think it involves the Annual Hotel Valhalla Pride Parade to the Death. More specifically, to the hotel staff's deaths. They (Alex) still haven't let us go into the Feast Hall of the slain, and I've become nominated caterer to the queer Undead Warriors of Valhalla. There's one woman, Gunhilde, who hates falafel and almost snapped me in half for 'threatening' her with those revolting patties and hummus with a beautiful blend of spices, fried so that the edges are just crispy enough but the middle is spicy and soft. I had to go to the butchers and get her steak. I'm not made of money here, Gunhilde!
I heard a rumour that Odin's arriving tomorrow to sort out our boycott of Valhalla out if we don't give up on our crusade for basic human rights. Alex led us in a war chant that I think they made up on the spot. 'Screw Odin and his bathroom policies, DEATH TO GENDER'. Then they threw about 100 copies of the national geographic issue on gender and how it should be abolished into the crowd.
They have a roster going on for guarding the door, and everyone's on it. Gunhilde and Charlie have been put on together, and I'm not sure who's more insulted. Gunhilde says that it is (and I quote) an insult to her skills to be scheduled with that nerdy imp. Charlie says that he can handle himself 'quite well with an encyclopaedia and would Alex please refrain from scheduling him with that muscle-bound buffoon?' I think he really wants to be scheduled with my buddy Hearth - he's started dressing the same and doing his bleach-white hair the same way.
Of all the people to fan girl over, he chose Hearth. That's sad, Charlie.
More warriors have been arriving every day, from all the floors. A couple of Valkyries as well. We have to make sure that they're not spies for the hotel staff, and Alex has had a bunch of floor 34 guys embroidering pronoun patches onto jackets so that everyone is respected and no one misgendered. Yesterday an agender warrior who's been here since the actual Vikings burst into tears, because apparently this is the most respect that they've ever had.
Anyway. To THE THING that happened today.
Alex and I were on duty, not really paying attention to the door. We were sitting on either side of it, debating the merits of premade frozen falafel versus the falafel you make out of a powder. I was on the side of reheating Amir's falafel, but Alex said that it went all stale if you left it in the freezer and you might as well make it fresh.
Gunhilde had said that some of her friends from floor 42 were arriving today, so we were expecting them to show up with some more food and toilet paper - both of which were running short. (You have no idea the amount of crap that 50 armed undead Viking warriors can produce). I was considering how much of my face it would cost me to try and kiss Alex here, because I hadn't been able to kiss them since their room was taken over by the QA (Queer Army), and wether the mutilation:kissing ratio would be worth it. I had just decided to go in for the kiss when the elevator announced that someone had arrived.
Alex and I stood to attention to welcome the new warriors - Alex making sure that their pronoun badge was in plain sight.
But then Hunding and Helgi stepped out with a bunch of warriors and two or three Valkyrie. They weren't armed, and one of the Valkyries was carrying a white flag so Jack remained in his sheath. Can't say the same for Garry (Alex's garrotte; I had no part in choosing the name), but no one was killed.
Hunding handed over a paper scroll, and they all got in the elevator and left.
To Alex Fierro and his associates (do not make us out to be the villains for calling you by your chosen pronouns, it is hard and confusing to call you by they/them some days and normal ones other days so we shall call you by your proper gender) - Alex got really mad at that.
We have been forced to call Odin to Valhalla, and I highly doubt that His Excellency will be pleased as this foolishness at all. We are still giving you the chance to surrender, and we shall tell Odin that the crisis has been averted. Here at Hotel Valhalla, we value the happiness and sanity of all of our residents, and we will provide you and your so called army with free counselling to heal you of your confusion with gender.
Regards,
The Staff of Hotel Valhalla
Ps. This never happened when I was a boy!
PPS. Gender is binary and we will give you free counselling to sort that out in your heads.
Well that's a great idea, isn't it. Send a message saying that gender is binary to a bunch of pissed off SAGA warriors. In both senses of the word.
Alex called a war council right there. I still remember exactly what they said after they'd read out that message. 
"So." They yelled "The staff have sent us a message? WELL I HAVE A MESSAGE FOR THEM! LET'S SEE HOW WELL THEY CAN RUN AN ARMY AND HOLD OFF RAGNAROK WITHOUT ANY OF THEIR STUPID WARRIORS - no offence, warriors! LET'S SEE THEM KILL MY NON-BINARY MUM WITHOUT US! THERE IS CONCLUSIVE SCIENTIFIC EVIDENCE AS TO THE NON-BINARY OF GENDER, AND IF THEY THINK OTHERWISE THEN THEY CAN GO AND SUCK MY GENDERFLUID —" At that point I got up next to them and covered their mouth.
TJ stood up next to us. "They say that they can't respect your pronouns because it's too hard to remember?" He said quietly. Everyone ignored him. He fired three bullets into the ceiling. No one ignored him. "Then how can they remember all of your names? It's not 'hard' or 'confusing' to give someone their basic human rights. And misgendering you because they're mad? That's messed up. Do I call Mallory he when I'm mad at her? That's just bullshit!"
Gunhilde yawned and everyone turned to look at her.
"You're a perfectly straight, cis, male." She said. "No offence, but you can't know anything about where we're coming from."
TJ took a deep breath. For a moment, I saw the Son of Tyr that had charged alone up Bunker Hill to meet his challenger, the TJ that had stopped Ragnarok, the TJ that had killed a mountain giant. Whenever he was about to do something crazy, he gets this look in his eyes that's steelier and harder than the flint in his forehead.
"Actually." He said slowly. "I'm about as straight as Mango Cheese."
"What?" Mallory yelled.
"I'm gay, Mallory!"
"Hi Gay, I'm Mallory!" She called back. "YES! I've always wanted to do that!"
A ripple of laughter spread out through the assembled ranks. Someone started to clap. A moment later I realised that it was Charlie. I clapped as well, and so did Alex. Then Mal and Gunderson, and then Gunhilde. And then everyone was clapping. TJ bowed, grinning. I bent over and hugged him.
Alex spat on the ground.
"Now I have to make you a new flag outfit!" They cursed. TJ grinned sheepishly.
Well, that was one hell of a day.
Odin's arriving tomorrow.
We're all going to die.
If I don't get back to ya,
I'm dead permanently.
Maggie Beantown.