Diary of a Falafel Lord

Thursday

This started as a dare from QueenOfTheWolfies13 but I thought that it was important enough to put here.

Alex woke me up with she/her pronouns and lukewarm hot chocolate beside my bed. I freaked out, screaming and pulling my blanket up over my tanned, scarred, muscular chest.
"What?" Alex froze, my chocolate foam wiggling on her top lip like a caterpillar. She put down my mug. "Magnus, you know I've seen almost everyone on this floor naked in battles and shit?"
I nod, pushing my hand under the blankets. Something nosed my hand, whiskers brushing against my wrist. "Okay," I said. "Can you please get out?"
Alex frowned. She'd healed her cheeks and teeth, and was looking refreshed and stunning. I knew she'd spent the night bashing homophobes and racists and straight-priders and exclusionists and Nazis online, which always made her feel better. She liked to murder the worse ones.
"Magnus, get up."
"I can't?"
"Why not?"
"I'm naked?"
"You always sleep with clothes on." Alex shot back without missing a beat. It was true - after years on the street it felt almost life-threatening to sleep without pyjamas, a hoodie, and my blankets on.
"I thought I'd try something new?"
"I can see your pyjama shirt." Shit. She's good. "It's the one that you stole from me." It's pink and green, with a huge duck on the front in classic Alex style.
"Okay, Alex, I think I'm going to puke!" I lurched out of bed at her, grabbing her shoulders and retching, shaking her so that she couldn't see the lump in my bed. She slapped my face and backed up.
"What the fuck, Magnus!?" She yelled, and spun to leave. Then paused. "Te amo, loser."
I blew her a kiss, and she slammed the door. I waited for a moment, and turned back to my bed. "Wookie."
The lump shifted, and my dog stuck her head out of the blankets - just beside my pillow. The doona was flopping as her tail went haywire and her mouth was half open.
I love Wookie. She's the best thing to have come out of that stupid darebook - I mentioned that I liked dogs and two weeks later a large package arrived with the small, shaggy, red dog inside. To the best of my research, she's some kind of terrier mutt who flinches when you raise your hand as though she expects to be hit and is terrified of doors - as though she's been slammed in one a couple of times. I know the person who gave her too me - QueenOfTheWolfies13 would never strike a dog, but she would happily raid an abusive household or shelter to remove all the little creatures and then send them off to whoever would treat them best.
And I treated Wookie the best.
Wookie squirmed out of her warm cocoon, tail going a thousand miles an hour, and pounced at my pillow. Despite her former abuse, she's gorgeous and playful and loves everything. I just can't tell my friends about her. It would be too...weird. I've kept her a secret for too long, and I don't even know what the Hotel Valhalla policy on keeping little pets are. I think Gunhilde has a secret dragon, but I wouldn't put anything past Gunhilde.
My dog cheerfully jumped of my bed and urinated on my floor, and then pranced over to me. I scratched the back of her ear as the room soaked up the piss and gave a contented rumble. I haven't bothered housetraining her - she wasn't housetrained yet when I got her - and I haven't bothered. My bedroom really likes her, and adores her bodily functions. Once she puked after getting into Alex's chocolate, and the room left her a plate of organic poached chicken cooked in duck fat.
I think it's a bad influence.
My door slammed open, and Alex marched back in. I dropped to the ground, curling over Wookie to hide her and groaning at the top of my lungs. She jumped up, smashing her hard skull into my -
I almost screamed in pain, my eyes watering. "Hi Alex!" I choked.
"I heard barking."
Wookie barked. I coughed.
"Stand up, Mergpup Cheese." Alex ordered, snapping her fingers.
"I can't." I wheezed. Alex used her foot to roll me onto my side. I kept my arms around Wookie, and so when I lay on my back, she was on my stomach belly up.
Alex dropped the Undead Snare on my head. "What that f-"
"Her name's Queen Wookie of the Boopable Snoot." I muttered. Wookie squirmed in my arms and I let her go. She skidded across the ground to Alex, and licked her shin. Alex bent down and absently scratched the dog's back. Wookie started to make a strange, snorting, noise like a car engine.
"How long has this been going on?"
"Since before TJ."
"Shit. Three of us?"
"Alex!"
Alex frowned. "She's fucking adorable."
I grinned. "Yeah. I know."
"Jesus Christ!" Alex snapped. "I told you to get a fucking cat, babe."
I paused, and smirked. "I think Wookie thinks she's a cat, she tries to meow and that noise is definitely a purr."
Alex shrugged. "Comprise, huh?"
I nodded and stared at her. Everything had been a little bit strange - off - since she'd seen TJ and I and everything had gone sideways. But gods. I have the best girlfriend.
"Yeah."
Alex spun to the door. "GUYS!" She yelled. Wookie and I leapt back as the rest of our floor skidded in, drawn to potential drama like moths to a lamp, and she pointed at the dog. "Thanks guys. Her name is Queen Wookie of the Boopable Snoot and I would die for her. Magnus got a dog."
Charlie dropped his encyclopaedia. "What the actual fuck."