How Did We Get This Far? (Dan and Phil Fanfiction)

Chapter 15

Phil's POV

After visiting my Dad and Eliza, Clara and I set off to London, where she could see her family and I could visit Dan.

I knocked loudly on my old apartment door and waited patiently for it to open. Dan peered round the wooden rectangle. His eyes and cheeks were bright red and his hands were shaking.

"Hey, Phil." His voice was quivering as much as his hands were. I just frowned at him, confused by his state. "You should probably come in." Dan walked away from the door, expecting me to follow him. His breaths were heavy and uneven.

"What's going on?" I asked cautiously. I sat on one of the sofas and felt something crunch. I looked behind me and there was a large, damp pizza box; it still had a few slices in it.

Dan wouldn't sit down. He paced nervously in front of me, waiting for me to talk and forgetting the question I had already asked him. I tried again. "Dan, are you alright?" He looked at me straight away, not blinking. I saw the water rise in his eyes like a wave and crash down his cheeks. He didn't wipe them away, or try to stop them. He just let them fall.

My eyes followed down his arms to his hands which were clenched into fists. They, too, were bright red. I reached forward and took his freezing fists and pulled him down next to me on the sofa. "Dan, talk to me."

"I- I- I fucked it up again..." The tears fell down his cheeks faster, but he didn't change his position. We both sat there in the dark, messy apartment in silence. I didn't know what to say. I didn't know what was wrong. I didn't know what to do.

He finally wiped away his tears, sniffed and looked away from me. Then all the pieces fell into place. "Dan... Oh, Dan. Not again?" His hands flew to his face and he let out one ugly sob as he nodded. "I thought you were fine. I thought you were over this. I thought you could cope."

"WELL, I CAN'T, PHIL. OKAY? I JUST CAN'T." He was dribbling like a baby now, in clear distress. His shout then turned into a whisper. "I tried. I really tried, Phil. But what's the point anymore?"

"You have Eliza now, Dan. She can help you through this, like I did and-"

"No. No. No, she's much too young. She wouldn't understand." He turned to look at me again. He was going mad. He leaned towards me and said excitedly: "You can come back home! You can live here again and everything will be good and happy. Yes, oh, thank you, Phil." He hugged me. I wrapped my arms around him, like he was my little brother - not my best friend.

I whispered into his hair. "I can't live here, Dan. I am married now. I am living with Clara, that's why I left. You'll be alright."

Dan used to be severely depressed before I met him - to the point where he was actually suicidal. I helped him to feel better and reminded him that life was wonderful. That he could do whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted. Slowly, he started living his life again - he still had the odd existential crisis, but that was better than him constantly feeling like that all the time.

When I left he hardly ever had those attacks, I thought he was strong enough now to convince himself that he was good enough, that life was worth living. Obviously not.

"What sparked it?" I asked him as he soaked my top with tears again.

"It's been like this for months now. After you left, I don't know, I guess I thought it was my fault. That I had driven you away because I'm such a horrible horrible person..." He broke away from me and started punching the hard sofa. Red fists. "Then Eliza left without saying anything to me so I figured she didn't really like me..." Still punching. Still crying. "The BBC want to move my radio show to early in the morning. They're paying me more, but clearly they want less people to listen to my show because I'm so fucking crap." I tried to stop him as I saw blood draw from his fists. "There is no point anymore. I am a failure to everyone. There's no point." He shook me off his fists and walked out the apartment, leaving me there. In total shock.