How Did We Get This Far? (Dan and Phil Fanfiction)

Chapter 21

Eliza's POV

5 YEARS LATER

I woke up to a hand hitting my face. "Ow, Dan your ring is in my fucking eye!" I said, batting away his hand.

"Oh shit, sorry." he yawned, and we both sat up. He looked at me and smiled, which was unusual for a morning - I glared back at him, suddenly unsure of why he was being so nice. "I think we need to talk about something."

Crap.

"You see, I've been thinking..."

Crap.

"we've been married for 2 years now."

Crap. He has paused. Crap. Say something - not crap.

"How long did it take you to work that out?" No, Elizabeth, that was crap. Thankfully he just rolled his eyes. He took a deep breath and exhaled.

"What are your thoughts on children?"

Crap. Crap, crap, crap. ABORT ABORT.

"Children? Yeah, um, children are great."

Bullshit.

"How would you feel about us having kids?" He wondered.

Crap.

"Oh, well, Urm... You know?" I stuttered.

"You don't want to have kids?"

Crap.

I sighed. Dan was my husband. Dan was the one person I trusted. Dan was the one I loved with every part of me. I could tell him.

"Look, ever since I was told about birth and pregnancy, which was when I was about 10, I... um... And... And as I became a teenager, children started to piss me off a lot. As in, I just wanted them to fuck right off, the spoilt brats." Dan's eyebrows raised so high they nearly touched his hairline. "I thought it was hormones and that I'd grow out of it. And... Well... I mean, it's better than it was, I can tolerate them, it's just..." I trailed off, sighing.

"Wouldn't it be different if the child was yours? Ours?"

"Probably, but what if it isn't. What if I end up hating our child?"

"You won't. I think that's impossible." I ignored him because I disagreed completely.

"What if it hates me?"

"It won't hate you."

"It's not even just bringing up the child, Dan. I know one of the reasons you married me was because I was pretty outrageous and fearless, but I am fucking terrified of child birth. Women die from it. It ruins women's bodies, sometimes, forever! How awkward is it going to be, for me to bring this living thing into the world and have a shit tonne of nurses staring up my ass?"

"I don't think you'll care that they're looking up your ass. I think you'll just want the baby out." Again, I ignored him.

"It's not even just that! It's the whole fucking 9 months of pregnancy. It's all well and good saying 9 months, but 9 months is a long fucking time. It's from now until January! I will get mourning sickness, and throw up all the time. I won't want to eat anything, and then I'll want to eat everything. Then I'll grow bigger and bigger, and I'll be tired and grumpy all the time. I won't be able to do anything. Then it will start kicking and killing me from the inside. I am fucking terrified of it all." I brought my hands up to my face, trying to hide away from this conversation. But Dan's warm hands took hold of them and slowly, brought them back down again.

"But that's why I'm here, Eliza. I'm here to do everything for you. To love you throughout it all cause you're looking after our child. I'd care for you, and look after you, and keep you safe, and make you feel loved, because you are. I love you."

"But Dan, it's going to be hell!" He rolled his eyes.

"I think your over exaggerating." He was slowly losing his patience, as was I.

"You think I'm exaggerating?" I asked, outraged. "Okay then Dan, why don't you do it? Why don't you have a child, who is completely your responsibility and everything you do you have to think about the fucking baby. Why don't you have it living inside you and making you throw up?"

"If I could swap with you, I would."

"That's bullshit, Dan, and you know it. You wouldn't. It's like, you wouldn't voluntarily get kicked in the balls." He sighed.

"That's different. I don't actually produce life from that."

I shook my head. I couldn't believe what my husband was saying. "I'm not having this conversation with you anymore." I got up and went to the bathroom to freshen up.

The number of times I had had that conversation with myself in my head. "What's wrong with you?" I asked myself in the mirror. "Everyone in their right mind wants to have children, except you. But you do want children! No you don't... Yes you do... No you don't. Oh, for fucks sake!" I splashed water all over the bathroom floor in frustration.

I could imagine Dan being a father. He'd be great... but I'd be bloody awful. If it got ill, I would just thrust it in Dan's direction, because I can't deal with anything like that. What kind of mother does that?

When I walked back into our bedroom, Dan had gone to work; the radio, but he'd left a small note on the bed.

"I'm sorry you feel this way, Elizabeth. I think it would be worth it. In the end. To have something that is made up of you and me." I rolled my eyes and ripped the note.

I had breakfast and watched tv, then checked my watch: 11am. Dan was going to be back at half past. I didn't want to see him again that day. I didn't want to talk about it. So I left.