Transgender Jay : A Ninjago Story

21 - Rhythm & Rhyme

(this is the most cringe chapter you can just skip it nothing important happens lmao)

A million shards of glass, a billion tonnes of force,
Choking, choking me till I burst.

It was going so well, now my secret is out.
It was going so well, now my heart has been crushed.
It was going so well, now my thoughts are all muddled.
It was going so well, now my feelings are varied.

I'm angry, yet I let the anger float away like a boat on calm waves.
Washing me under, drowning, drowning so wonderfully, still breathing. Barely.

I'm broken, now. I've lost all I had. I've lost all the love I've ever obtained.

It's unrequited. I'm a duo of one.
A bouquet left out to dry in the sun.
Once a marvellous feast of the eyes,
Now simply a rotting mess to despise.

A simple rhythm inside, beating. Distant memories, fleeting. Tap, tap, tap. Is this madness?
Or is it a pathetic attempt to prevent it?

Either way, I still lie here. Quivering like a child with no warmth. Sobbing like a spoilt brat during summer. I can't bring myself to leave.

Is this panic? I certainly feel it. Rising up in my lungs, making it hard to breathe. Impossible to breathe. I feel faint. I feel dizzy. The world spins like a Ferris wheel, on which couples kiss in reckless abandon. Kaleidoscope madness, a thousand different shapes. I can't make anything out.

I can't get out.

I hear a voice saying my name, but I don't even listen. Perhaps a friend. Perhaps an enemy. Logic is warped. Both yet neither.

I am utterly useless.

I try to calm down but I can't. I try to breathe slow but my throat won't let me. I'm going mad, aren't I?

But...

No. There's no chance. She said so, though not at me then, she'd say it here now.

I'm not stupid. Or delusional. Or just a bloody joke. It hurts, but they don't see that. It hurts, but they don't care. Nothing but a joke. Nothing but the laughing stock.

And they wonder why I sometimes hate them?

Never for long. Fleeting seconds. Snapshot moments where I wish to throttle them, but I don't, and the moment passes. Because no matter what they think...

I am not a bloody joke, and if they treat me like a joke again somebody's throat I'll choke.

... no... I won't. They're my family.

What was I thinking?

You probably think I'm insane. I'm not. I'm just upset. Have you ever had your deepest secret ripped from secrecy? Don't judge me. They all know now. Some I know will treat me well, but others...

Lungs shrinking, heart palpitating, lungs screaming, heart breaking, lungs crying, heart dying... after all this my brain's still lying.
One part of it still stays optimistic, smiling away, full of fakery.

It says that everything will be alright. Hasn't it seen life? How fates always fight?

The happy fate will draw it's sword, but stand no chance against the darkness horde.