Transgender Jay : A Ninjago Story

59 - Fate

As soon as he saw Nya enter the garden, clearly looking for him, Jay made sure to stay out of her sight. Ducking under hedgerows, hiding behind expertly clipped topiaries, anything to make sure that she didn't see him.

He didn't want to see anybody at that moment. He didn't want to have to talk to a single other soul.

His heart still hammered in his chest, beating against his ribs in an oddly rhythmical pattern, the vibrations of which carried to every inch of his person. Pulsing in his fingertips, pressing at his throat. He couldn't ignore it.

Eventually, Nya had decided that she'd looked enough, and headed back inside. Clearly... she'd thought that he wasn't outside at all. Too bad she didn't consider that maybe, just maybe, Jay was deliberately hiding himself.

It was freezing out there. The wind was relentless, rippling underneath flaps of clothing and chilling him to the bone, yet he still sat in silence, letting the soggy leaf-covered ground seep into the fabric of his jeans. It was gross, and wet, and uncomfortable, though he paid no mind to it. He was to preoccupied, thinking of other matters.

Jay knew that a long time had passed. An hour at very least, since he and Cole argued and he'd found refuge alone in the garden. In that hour, the sky had turned an unpleasant shade of grey. Not too dark, yet not too light either. A sludgy, boring colour, if you could even call it that. There wasn't a single ray of sun, only adding to the miserable mood.

Jay stared into the distance, off the side of the mountain and past the trees. He felt... oddly numb. After such a long time of feeling shattered, and weak, and worthless... it had all filtered away along with his warmth, leaving nought but a shell behind.

Tears still stained his cheeks, new ones still fell occasionally, slipping down his expressionless face and contributing to the ever-growing moisture on his clothing.

He wasn't hungry. He wasn't thirsty. He wasn't angry, or upset, or confused or anything like that. He was just... blank.

Which, somehow... was worse than all of the above combined.

When you felt something, there was always something you could do to, at least attempt to alleviate it. With numbness, all you could do was sit there and hope for some emotion to return to your being. It usually did, after a while.

He'd felt like this before after all. He knew the drill.

Just wait. Something will come back to you eventually.

... hopefully, that is.

Luckily, in Jay's current case, it did. Unluckily... it wasn't anything enjoyable.

It started with a small flicker of concern, then bloomed into a writhing weed of anxiety, encasing and entrapping him in an instant.

He felt sick to the stomach, and had the sudden urge to violently vomit into the foliage, but he resisted, taking deep breaths to avoid a second panic attack.

He needed something to think about, and focus on, lest his brain would wander itself into dangerous territories, which he definitely didn't want to be visiting in his current state.

What to think of though? The happenings of today? Cole's painful words that still stung like a painful insect bite? The past? The present? The future?