24 - Backstory

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"... I always knew that I wasn't a girl... and from the moment I understood my body... I was begging... for it to be different.

I think I was four or five when I first told my mum. She wasn't unsupportive or anything... she just... didn't understand.

I told her I wasn't a girl. I told her I didn't understand why my body was... like it was.

She thought I was playing around. Having fun.

She dismissed me."

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"Ma? Ma? Why does Pa say I'm his little girl?"

"Oh Sophie sweetheart, it's because you are! You're our baby girl, and we love you."

"... I'm not a girl... am I? Am I Ma? I'm not..."

"C'mere you silly sausage... you'll always be my little Sophie. Even when you're all grown up..."

"... but I'm not a girl... I... I don't wanna be like this..."

"Come on Sophie, the joke's over. Let's get you back inside. It's getting dark..."

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"... after that, I didn't have the courage to talk about it again. I was so afraid that I'd just be brushed aside like the first time, so... I tried to ignore my feelings.

I kept telling myself that I was a normal girl. That I didn't mind being called... S... Sophie. And... that I liked my body as it was.

I kept it up for years... till I was about 12.

Makeup, long hair, dresses. Everything typically feminine that I could get my hands on.

It didn't work.

I broke down one day. I cut my hair short with a blunt pair of scissors, and my parents were sort of horrified. I'd been growing it for so long... I said I wanted to grow it forever and never cut it but... in the space of five minutes, most of it was scattered across the bathroom floor."

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"Sophie! What did you do?!"

"I HATE ALL THIS, I HATE IT I HATE IT I CAN'T STAND ALL THIS STUPID GIRLY STUFF! I HATE IT!"

"Oh Sophie... it's alright. You don't have to like traditionally girly things... have you been doing all this to make us happy?"

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"I didn't tell them the truth. That I had finally accepted that my feelings wouldn't go away, although I didn't even know what it was yet. I felt like a freak... so... I just played along..."

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"... I... I thought you wanted a normal girl... Ma..."

"No no no! There's no such thing as a 'normal' girl! We love you no matter what sweetie! Whether you like pink frilly stuff or more... boyish things. You didn't do too well with your hair... do you want me to neaten it up for you?"

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