Transgender Jay : A Ninjago Story

35 - Advice

The night wasn't easy. Nobody could sleep especially well, other than Zane, who had to forcibly power himself off.

There were too many thoughts going around, too many shocking recent events, too much to untangle and decode that rest was nearly impossible to even grasp at.

Nya ended up giving up and reading a book, Cole stayed up on his phone until he passed out, and Kai stared upwards, not focussed on anything in particular. Sensei, unbeknownst to the rest of them, had to brew himself a special tea to get any sleep that night at all.

For the final pair of people on the ship, they were both of course still conscious.

Lloyd could tell that Jay was still awake by his frustrated twisting and turning, and after a little while of trying to fall under himself, he slid out of the covers and tip toed across the room to turn his small lamp on.

"... Lloyd...?" Jay whispered, sitting up and rubbing his eyes.

"... come on... don't pretend you haven't been stuck awake."

A tiny smile burst through his tired façade.

"Ok. You got me."

Lloyd went back to his bed and sat down, then patted the sheets next to him.

Jay left his mattress and sat down where he'd been asked to, and Lloyd threw an extra blanket around his shoulders.

"... come on then. Talk to me. What's on your mind." He spoke, and Jay was taken aback for a second, before relaxing again and starting to speak.

"... just... everything really. Everything's built up, and... I just don't know how much longer I can deal with this."

"... any specifics? Dei Noctis? Kai?"

"Pretty much. I just... I feel like if people listened to me when I first said they were dangerous... this wouldn't have happened. We could have maybe stopped it..."

"I know, and, I'm sorry. I should've listened to you. You were right all along."

"... Kai as well. I... nobody's called me my birth name for... actual years. Since I was maybe thirteen. It's..."

"... horrible? I know that, since I'm cis, I'll never truly know how bad it is but... I can imagine it's really awful."

"It's one of the worst feelings in the world."

Lloyd patted his arm affectionately.

"Well, I think you'll be happy to know that nobody else will ever do that. Kai's the only transphobic one, and the rest of us have only known you as Jay the whole time we've been friends. It's habit."

Jay nodded, pressing his thumbs together in a nervous fashion.

"... I just... I wish that none of you had ever found out. Yeah, we'd still be dealing with the bloody cult... but... I'd still have Kai as a friend. Nya... I'd still have Nya. I... I just wish I wasn't trans at all, to be honest."

"... really?"

"I mean, yeah! If I woke up tomorrow and I was cis... everything would be so much easier. Yeah, it would take time to de-transition from what testosterone has already done... but... I'd just have to stop binding and there we go. A girl's body for a girl... god, Lloyd... I hate that the world despises me for just existing."

"Same here. I know that gay people get a way easier time than trans people... but... it's still crappy. I'm relieved that I managed to at least partially diffuse that crap from a while ago. If I hadn't been able to... I'd be screwed. I hope you start to feel a bit better about yourself though, maybe one day you'll be happy with who you are and won't wish for anything else."

"I hope so."

Jay let out a big huff of air, rubbing his eye with his palm. Lloyd suspected that a few tears had come about, but didn't say anything about it.

"... if you don't mind me asking... what do you bind with?"

"Oh, I just use a half binder."

"Thought so. Tape and bandages are bad for you, aren't they?"

"Yep. They can give you breathing problems, and even damage your ribs in some cases."

Jay felt a pang of guilt at his words, knowing full well that he'd been putting his own ribs in danger by wearing his binder for far far too long, but didn't say anything.

"I was wondering whether you binded or had surgery. I guess I know now."

"I wish I'd had surgery. It's so expensive though... I doubt I'll ever be able to afford it..."

"Hey, you never know. Don't give up hope yet."

"I hope you're right Lloyd. I really do."

The two of them talked for a good few hours together. Ranting and venting to each other, getting out the frustrations that had built up for so long, out into words.

Finally, tiredness began to set in. Neither of them knew the exact time, and didn't really want to check either.

"... we should probably try to sleep again."

"Mmmh, probably."

There was a couple of moments where neither on them talked or moved.

"... hey... Lloyd..." Jay broke the quietness.

"Yeah?"

"... thank you. I think, I really needed that."

"Don't stress it, it's no problem. I'm glad to have helped."

Jay stood up, stretched, and headed back to his mattress, but Lloyd caught his wrist.

"... you should take off your binder. You've been wearing it for way too long."

He was surprised. He didn't know that Lloyd knew anything about how long he had been binding... but, alas, he was most certainly right, and it wasn't exactly hard to figure out.

"... but-"

"I won't look. Promise. Come on, I'm gay, why would I?"

Jay snickered, and shrugged. He was right once again.

He turned off Lloyd's lamp, made sure that Lloyd was under his duvet and facing the wall, before taking off his t-shirt, and then his binder.

He put the t-shirt back on, letting out a sigh of absolute relief as the immense pressure disappeared.

Getting back into bed was a bit unpleasant at first. The covers had been devoid of human warmth for a while now, so they were cold and crisp, but warmed up pretty quickly.

Sleep finally came, and in decent time too. Perhaps getting all his worries out into somebody else's ear really helped him.

Especially as that ear had been a great support the whole way through.

At that moment, what he needed most was an emotional release, and he'd got that release.

However, poor Jay Walker wouldn't stay content for long.

After all, 'Tomorrow is a New Day' could never always be a positive saying.