Exerts of a Story I'll Never Write

Random 1 am Thoughts

It's going great so far... I've ripped my bedroom apart, rearranged it, and cleaned it... I still can't sleep because my brain is on overdrive trying to figure out what he wants and how much I like him. God he is so sweet, but I want him to be mine. I can't stop thinking about how he makes me feel and stressing that I'm going to fuck everything up again. Or miss my chance and watch it run by. I can't sleep because my brain won't shut up about him. God dammit what did he do? Why can't I stop thinking about him? This has never happened before. I miss him oddly enough. My brain is just running in circles and like a rerun TV show keeps going over all the times that I've probably fucked up and made him hate me. I can't count how many times I've already pushed him away and we are barely friends.... What if he hurts me like everyone else has? What if I hurt him? I don't want to hurt him. Rosana I'm so scared that I'm going to hurt him that I keep trying to push him away so I can't hurt him. I really like him, but I'm so scared to actually tell him because what if he doesn't feel the same way and things get weird between us? I've never felt like this before. I've never been so confused and scared in my life. I feel so safe with him, but at the same time what if it's all a trick like all the other times? What if he's just using me as a puppet or a toy or as a way to get more street cred? What if he's just saying things to get me right where he wants me? What if he just wants another toy to play with and throw away?

I can't get hurt again, not like last time. You saw how bad it was last time I trusted a guy and gave him time and a littlw bit of my heart, that guy shredded it. What if Detrix is the same way and doesn't actually care about what I want? Or care about what I need? I just want a guy that for once isn't scared to not be fake and use a girl. I'm so sick of being used again and again just so a guy can say he has a girl on his arm. God what if Detrix turns out like Kameron? Or Garrison? Or Timothy? Or Abraham? Or Willyam? What if he hits me like Kameron? Or manipulates me like Garrison? Or toys with my feelings for a fucking story like Timothy? Or just wants me for something that I have like Abraham? Or builds up my hopes just to laugh as he knocks them down like Willyam? Why do I like assholes? Why do I have to like and invest and find assholes to try to love? Why can't I just for once get a guy that's nice? Why can't I get a guy that won't use and abuse and hurt me? What if Detrix just wants a game to play? What if all he wants is to have someone to please him and nothing more? I don't want to keep wasting time following around someone that doesn't actually want something more then something pure and innocent. That's what my fucking demon was for! I don't need or want a guy for that.

I just want someone to actually take care of me and care about me when I get bad. It's getting worse again and I don't know what to do. I can't sleep because something is out of place, thoughts are just running through my head and I can't stop thinking and worrying. God the anxiety is coming back and eating away my confidence. The OCD is getting worse, I ate once yesterday because I couldn't bring myself to eat. Why can't I just be good looking and not so fucked up for a guy? I wish my stomach was smaller so I stopped eating and that didn't work so I worked out more and that didn't work. I wish I could be smarter so I revolved my whole life around school and look I'm still a dumb blonde. I don't click with people because I piss them off by pushing buttons or I push them all away. I don't let people in and freak out because sometimes I can't handle myself and oh my god I'm so damn annoying when I talk because I don't shut up like ever! I'm stuck up, I'm a brat, I can't get a boyfriend because I pick assholes, I wish I could be smart, I wish I could be skinny, I wish I had my confidence back, I wish I wasn't so bipolar and OCD and anxiety filled, I just wish for once I could be good enough for someone.

I've always either never been enough for someone or way too much. And this is why I can't get a boyfriend and why I obsess over the stupidest shit. I can't stop thinking and thinking and then I end up here. At almost 1am and breaking down because I'm a terrible person that just lets shit happen because she's too scared to make a move with a guy. I'm so scared to let anything happen between me and a guy because people lie and cheat.

Loyalty is not something that humans like and it sucks and I know that this was a lot, but god I needed somewhere to try to run through what's going through my head. I can't sleep because I can't stop stressing about what Detrix's true motives are. If you don't want a relationship and you just want to experiment then is it that you really just want to say that you fucked, made out, and played with a senior? If that's what he wants then I want out before I get more attached like the dumb blonde I am.

Although I still can't stop thinking about him... I've never felt safe like when I was in his arms... Like ever, I've never felt that safe a single day in my life... Damn he's good if all he wants is a puppet because I'm so confused... Sorry if I woke you up and sorry that was so long, I just don't understand why I'm like this and why I like him when he could just be using me like everyone else has.