Different sides (tome 1)

12- Ashley

I got up this morning very early, almost at six, which is totally not in my habitude. Something must have been in my mind tonight.
The first thing I thought about when I woke up was Calvin. Actually, the first thing I saw when I woke up was Calvin too. But quickly I turned my face away from him. I couldn't even look at him.
I was sitting outside on our tiny terrace, a cup of coffee warming my hands. I was thinking. Again. About Miguel, at first. But quickly Calvin came to occupy all my brain.
Damn ! Why was I thinking about him again ?!

I ran at the bathroom, locked the door and fell down. I felt bad. Very, very bad. It wasn't possible. I've never felt anything for that stupid boy and from one day to another I can't get him outta my mind !

What is wrong with life ?
What is wrong with...me ?

I felt some tears in my eye, and, this time, I didn't try to hold them back. I was crying of anger. Of pain. Of horror. And, more than anything, I was crying of fear. The fear that I might have been falling in love with someone. The fear that this would ruin everything I ever knew and fought for.
Suddenly I heard someone calmly knocking at the door.
« Ash ? Are you...are you okay ?
« Yeah, I answered through the door, I just got my period.
« oh...okay...call me then, if you...want something. »
Men are terrified by periods.

Anyway, that was another lie, of course. I felt bad suddenly for lying to him. Not about the all periods-thing, of course ! But about the all I-have-hundreds-of-different-identities-and-all-you-think-you-know-about-me-is-fake thing.

But I couldn't lie to him. Not anymore. So I made a deal with myself : as soon as I'll know if (I frankly hesitated on that fucking word) I love him, I'll tell him. Everything.

But I know I don't love him.
I don't want to love him.
I can't love him.

That is why I probably love him.