Never Humble

September 4th

I'm having one of my spurts where I want to break up with my boyfriend. The only thing that's different this time is that we talked about it. Turns out, the feeling was mutual. An occasional urge to break up, but reason always breaking through and explaining why that isn't the greatest idea.
I've been holding onto that idea for the last few days and I think this spurt has finally ended and now I'll wait a couple months for the next one.
He's in the shower right now, I'm in the bedroom next door with Unsolved Mysteries playing in the background. I don't know what it is, that show provides the perfect background noise. I fall asleep to it most nights. The reunion stories are so fucking boring, I usually skip them. I don't really want to watch a low quality clip of people awkwardly hugging.
I got upset earlier when I found out someone ate the last few pieces of ham, now I'm hungry and getting frustrated as a result. Kinda happy though because I lost a pound since yesterday and I'm slowly working my way back down.
I was vegetarian, then vegan, then vegetarian, then began consuming a normal diet eventually. As a result my weight has jumped from 104 to 129 and my mind isn't handling it well. Yeah, I love my body. But only when I'm skinny. It's easy to love the body you're accustomed to. Loving your body isn't loving what you have, it's loving what it could turn into and over the last few months I found out I haven't quite mastered that. I'm at 122 right now and my stature stands at 5'4 so I suppose that isn't the worst thing in the world. I like being told I'm tiny, I like being shocked by how small I am, I love hearing people say I could use a few more pounds on me. I'd love to be 104 again.
My boyfriend's back in the room, he's sitting on the edge of the bed beside me with his back to me. He just got out of the shower so he's wearing his hair down, I wish he would do that more often. He looks so good with his hair down.
We had a long talk earlier on the way back home. I was surprised, yet pleased when he said he'd thought of breaking up with me before too. I think it's something that just happens. When you're facing forever with someone, it's natural to think about all the possibilities and I think that's probably the most prominent one. I felt kinda like shit though, I emphasized that I would never hurt him and if I wasn't happy, I'd leave. I think that's what's so aggravating. I'm content. I'm not unhappy. Sometimes I just want to leave him. The world is so vast. I want to get up and go when I want to, he says I hate his family and I don't. His dad just intimidates me and whenever his younger brother comes home, he just talks about pot and how high he gets all the time. Pot's great and all, but I don't use it as a "haha look how high I am man wow". It's soothing, and eating after smoking a bowl is truly the most euphoric feeling on the planet. Nothing will ever satiate me more than sinking my teeth into a piece of fried chicken while I'm stoned out of my fucking mind. And then that feeling when your stomach is full, you wrap yourself in a fluffy blanket, and your mind is fighting to stay awake. But you've got nowhere you need to be so what's the harm in falling asleep? And it's blissful and the soundest sleep you will ever have.
I wish I could play an instrument, I make a lot of excuses. Not just in music. I tried to learn to play guitar and told everyone "I didn't have the time for it, and as a singer I found it difficult to understand the mechanics when I focus on vocals." In reality, i was too fucking stupid and didn't have the dedication to learn. My personal favorite to use is, "I could do it, if I just dedicated the time to it." It's never that I'm bad at anything, it's never admitting my laziness, it's always an excuse. It's being overworked, it's pushing it off, it's saying I have to complete this before I start on that, it's lying and saying I don't have the time. It makes me feel kinda fucking worthless like is it truly too much? Or am I being a baby? I just don't understand why I can't work like everyone else, why I can't pick things up like everyone else. I make so many excuses and it's kinda painful. As a writer, I use it to my advantage. I mold my words, I make you feel for me, I manipulate you in the most poetic way possible and I don't feel a damn bit of shame. Until I'm honest that I'm kind of a piece of shit. I don't help you because you need it, I help you to hear you say at the end, "wow you're so right, you have such a way with words." I really don't think I can do anything in this world without expecting something in return. I mean, why would I go out of my way for you without being given something? Even if you're just stroking my ego, I expect something.
Actually I prefer ego-stroking above all else. I don't expect to be given a physical matter, I want to hear you say that I'm such a kindhearted person, I want to hear how thankful you are for me, tell me about how I've always been there for you, that I give the best advice and always know what to say, thank me for paying for your lunch, I want to hear over and over about how I didn't have to go out of my way for you, but I did anyways and that makes me a godsend. I know I'm pretty, I don't need to hear that. I don't care about my physical being. Compliment my personality. And honestly, I don't know if that makes me cynical or humble.

I'm continuing this part two hours later and I'm currently high and it's the first time we've been able to smoke in the last three weeks. It's been a struggle since I quit my job so we've just been scraping together to get by. I guess today we finally scrounged together $20 and thought maybe today should be the day we smoke again. Needless to say, it's refreshing. I'm very relaxed and there's not much to do right now. The TV is playing as per usual and I think I'm gonna lay down soon. I just wanted to write because I thought it would be a good time to put this all down. I'm so comfy and I just really love the pain-relieving sensation it provides you. It's not for everybody, not by any means. It just happens to work for me. My life doesn't revolve around marijuana, it's my reward at the end of the day. It's your beer after the work day, it's that rice crispie treat after your run, it's that dress you buy when you receive your paycheck, it's my indulgence. I hope my authenticity is getting across. I don't want to sound like I'm trying to sound intelligent and failing in the process. That's a pathetic feeling, I hate it. I don't want to romanticize my feelings and my life, I'm just trying to be exposed and I don't know if I'm fully portraying that. Either way, this is already helping. I don't know what exactly this is meant to be and if it'll ever reach anyone else's eyes, but it is helping. I'm feeling okay. It's a good feeling.