Never Humble

October 16th

Many, many, many things going on. Lots to talk about. I've been on the fence about writing this lately. I think I would only want to maintain something of this nature if there were pure anonymity and that isn't really something I can have because that defeats the purpose of it. There's some things I want to talk about, but they're things I really don't want to even type and admit happened. It just makes it too real when you talk about it. Or maybe I'm just still not ready. It happened exactly a year ago. I keep telling myself not to think about it because any time I think about it, I just give it that much more power. I'm better than that, I'm stronger than that, and I am happy today. Sometimes the only way to remain your positivity is by acting like nothing is wrong. It just hurts to talk. There's other things I would like to get off my chest. I think I will. I created this to hold nothing back. This was meant to be my safe haven and it will continue to be just that.

My best friend really upset me this weekend. My friend group and I (consisting of four people, one away at college) had been planning to go in on the Halloween festivities and go to a nearby pumpkin farm that was playing Hocus Pocus that evening and some more classics. We had been planning this for two weeks, a rare chance to come home and spend the time with my friends I had been missing. It had already been about two weeks since I had seen my friends again. I was really excited because I'm a Halloween fanatic who's never actually seen Hocus Pocus. I couldn't wait to cozy up in the fall weather with a million blankets, the crisp air, the night sky, and spooky movies being projected on the side of a silo with those I hold dear. I was so excited to make this memory and have an amazing evening. On the night before the event, my best friend canceled. Stating her brothers had asked her to go with to a haunted trail and she said she was going with them because they never asked her to do anything without their mom forcing them to do it together, stating she never saw them even though one of her brothers still lives at home and the other one lives several houses away. I was very hurt because about 75% of the time I'm 45 minutes away and I didn't know when I would be home again. I felt ditched. I wish she would've just lied to me rather than outright say I was being ditched. I felt selfish, but I was so hurt and disappointed. I didn't know how to channel that energy correctly so I just told her I was upset with her and we moved on from that and now sharing the resolved conclusion feels good.

Other than that, I've been having good luck at work lately. I don't really click on the same level as my coworkers. My mind has a mildly complex way of thinking and I enjoy prattling about everything or nothing so it's difficult to talk to them when I don't have a way to test boundaries. Conversation has just not been flowing. Yesterday a girl who works in the Clinique section of the store came up to me and asked if I had plugs in my ears. They were tapers, but I told her yes. We started a conversation and introduced ourselves to each other and what we did in the store and I told her it was really nice talking with her and I'd see her later. Well, today on my way out she asked if I had any plans for the next 10 minutes. I asked her what was up and she told me that she needed two people to come with her to do a skin match to earn credits and she'd rather do it with me than a complete stranger. I agreed to it and she helped me match my skin and we talked and laughed and had really good back and forth and I even made her laugh a few times and one of my other really stoic coworkers. She put bronzer on my cheek and then had me do it afterwards and kept giggling saying how cute and pretty I looked. Afterwards she thanked us and said she hoped we had fun and that she had actually had a lot of fun. I think I finally made a friend at work. She's really pretty. Her hair's blue, I like it a lot. I'm glad to have found someone in that place finally that's sitting on the same wavelength as me.

Tomorrow is my mom's birthday and I'm so excited. I went and got her one of her birthday presents yesterday. I have a pair of old school vans and she kept continually telling me how much she loved mine and wanted a pair of her own so I got her a pair of those. While I picked up her present, I stopped to visit my boyfriend on his first day at work at GameStop. His manager was with him at the counter and they started talking to me. We all joked around and laughed and had a really good time. His boss was so friendly and my boyfriend looked so happy. When I was leaving, I told him that it was nice meeting him and he said "you too, hon." I think it'll be a good environment for him. 

 The other thing I got my mom was cookies. There is a baker in our local area who bakes from her home and sells from there and puts cookies up for sale. She attends farmer's market and places cookies up for sale on her Facebook. My mom and I are both completely obsessed with her sugar cookies, I got her hooked on them. She laughed at me when I told her I bought cookies from a stranger on Facebook, but now she's constantly asking me to buy more. My mom and I are both infatuated with Doctor Who so I took these two things and asked the lady if she'd be able to make Doctor Who themed sugar cookies and she said it would be no problem. She did it and they look fucking amazing. My mom's gonna be so happy tomorrow. We're going to the apple orchards. I love going there. We go to Gays Mills in Wisconsin every fall. It makes me so happy and peaceful. Those are always good days. I always look forward to orchard days. It's a wonderful time. We'll be going there and spending the day together tomorrow.

Yesterday I got a free facial after work. That made me really happy. The salon manager walked up to me and said "Taylor, right?" and introduced himself to me. He explained that their 11 o' clock facial model had canceled and asked if I'd be interested in getting a free facial. I said yes absolutely and thanked him. I got a chance to talk to more of my coworkers through this and the skin care lady told me I had really nice skin. Apparently my skin is really sensitive because it becomes super flushed when it comes in contact with anything, and when you pinch my cheeks the vertical lines that appear are a sign of dehydration in my skin. No extractions though, she said I didn't need them so we just did a hydration mask instead so that was cool.

This was really nice to write. I'm glad I did this again. I'll be back.