Had I known the cancer returned? We were seriously about to have this conversation and I don't think I was prepared for it, not one bit. How could you prepare yourself for this?
"No, it wasn't like the first time it had returned..." I answered him truthfully.
"The first time?" he asked, of course he wouldn't know.
"It was back in seventh grade, I started feeling bad. I was getting symptoms similar to the ones I had when I was first diagnosed. I always had a bad feeling in my gut, like deep down inside I knew that something was wrong, so I told my grandparents. They immediately took me to the hospital to get a check up, just to be safe." I said remembering back to that time.
"You found out you had it? Again?" he asked, trying his hardest to understand.
"Yup, I found out that the cancer had come back, again. But, it wasn't as severe, because we had caught it early enough. They were able to surgically remove it. See!" I say standing up to show him my scar.
"But this time?" he pushed me to continue.
"This time I didn't know, I had no gut feeling. I didn't get any symptoms. It wan't until that night. But, then at that time it was too late. You see..." Before I was able to continue I wanted to ensure that no matter what was said, that I meant it. I was never one to be able to successfully express myself without messing it up.
"Jeff," I turn to him, facing him, insuring that the next thing said he understood. "This isn't your fault, and I know that is probably the last thing running through your brain right now, just know that it is in no way, shape or form, your fault." I couldn't let one of the most important people in my life blame themself because my body couldn't function correctly.
"But, if only had I noticed-" I cut him off, kissing his soft lips, as tears were streaming down my face. I grabbed his face, pulling it closer. The kiss soon ended as I rest my forehead against his.
"Stop, please stop it. It is not your fault, it's not Monty's, my grandparents, my parents, and it's not even my fault. It is just the cards I was dealt. And for the first time in my life I am okay with that. But, I am not okay with you or anyone else that means the world to me blaming yourselves. All I know is that I love you. Before we came out here to have this conversation I kept thinking of all the ways this conversation could go wrong, and how I was petrified to have this conversation with you. And I never want to be scared to talk to you or Monty, because y'all are the only people I feel like I can truly be myself around." I looked down at my lap. Here goes nothing. "I love you, Jeff. I'm not sure what is going to happen to me, and I can't make any promises; except, I promise to love you until my last breath, and I promise to live my best life until I no longer see the light of day. I will support you on your good days and your bad. I will smile when I want to cry, and I will laugh when I want to scream. I don't know my future but I know that I want you in it, until there isn't a future for me anymore. Today might be my last day, but as long as I'm with you nothing else matters. I promise to love you, until my tears run dry." I finish my statement, looking up into his eyes. I meant every word, and I hope he knew it.
"Carsons, I promise to smile all the time, and laugh with you through the good and the bad. I love you more than you will ever know. I promise to show the world how much I love you, until the world stops turning." He promised, looking me in my eyes, not daring to break eye contact.
I meant what was said, I didn't know what my future held. I didn't know if today was my last day, but I knew that what ever my life had in store for me, I wasn't going to take anything for granted.
